Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
Hello,
So I have been struggling to pass lately. Perhaps it is the weight gain and all the areas I'm gaining weight in. It seems everything is going to my chest and hips. It's really frustrating. It's more than frustrating. It's devastating I can't seem to hide my body well enough. Baggy clothes don't even work anymore.
It didn't help to hear from a friend that I'm not passing at all. She said I look a 100% female and she doesn't understand how I could possibly be trans because I'm so feminine. I wanted to cry.
I also brought up my gender issues with a therapist. She was shocked. She asked me what was male about me, seeing as she thought I looked fully female.
This has been a very discouraging couple of days.
The only good thing is my mom has been calling me by my chosen name rather than my birth name. She still has issues with pronouns, but she is calling me by the correct name. So I guess that counts for something.
I wanna crawl in a hole for not passing, though.
So I have been struggling to pass lately. Perhaps it is the weight gain and all the areas I'm gaining weight in. It seems everything is going to my chest and hips. It's really frustrating. It's more than frustrating. It's devastating I can't seem to hide my body well enough. Baggy clothes don't even work anymore.
It didn't help to hear from a friend that I'm not passing at all. She said I look a 100% female and she doesn't understand how I could possibly be trans because I'm so feminine. I wanted to cry.
I also brought up my gender issues with a therapist. She was shocked. She asked me what was male about me, seeing as she thought I looked fully female.
This has been a very discouraging couple of days.
The only good thing is my mom has been calling me by my chosen name rather than my birth name. She still has issues with pronouns, but she is calling me by the correct name. So I guess that counts for something.
I wanna crawl in a hole for not passing, though.
I had plenty of days when I wanted to just end it all; but I kept telling myself that would only let the jerks in my life win if I did. So I kept on, until I was able to get things taken care of. It was really rough, really difficult - but REALLY worth it, from where I am today.
Even though I now look totally male, my Mom still flubs the pronouns half the time, and struggles with my name - but then, she ALWAYS struggled with my name. She had five of us to keep track of, and as the youngest, my name almost NEVER got listed off as she went through trying to find the right one. *shrugs* Mom is in her late 80s now, so it is unlikely she will ever get things totally correct - but I love her for trying, because she DOES try, and she feels bad everytime she realizes she flubbed things again. I don't fuss at her, because I know she doesn't mean to slip up.
If your therapist has that reaction to your gender issues, then you really need to see a gender specialist, because that therapist is being far less than helpful.
To let your friend know how badly it makes you feel, try this: out of the blue, just say to her "You're really looking masculine today; not feminine at all. Are you SURE you're REALLY female?"; and when she reacts, say, "See how that feels?" You might need to do it a few times, but hopefully your friend will begin to think before saying such things. If not, then at least you are giving her a taste of how she is treating you, without being rude.
I know from experience that chest binders can be uncomfortable, but have you tried using one of those? It might help; I had one that helped me for a while.
What I am going to say may raise your hackles but it needs to be brought up. This is work I had to do during my transition.
My therapist was not a gender specialist but she knew a thing or two about adjusting to a new life, even though, she was not transgender herself so am I going to ask you what she asked me when I whined about the things you mentioned
1) If you truly feel and you are the male you say you are, why does it matter what you look like?
2) Instead of looking for what does not seem to be working why don't you now instead focus on that pesky thing called self acceptance
Last question and this was a doozie
1) Do you realize this is not so much about passing but about your own self hatred towards your actual body? Let's work on that, shall we? Again we go back to self acceptance.
So, given those variables, I had to learn to accept where I was in my transition which was not easy but eventually all those complaints faded, my body had not changed but I had and that cut down on my not passing, believe it or not. And when someone would point out the obvious, I would simply say, "Thank you for noticing and here I was concerned that I did not look feminine enough this morning"
There is absolutely no need to get aggressive or defensive, if I were you, I'd tell your friend how hurtful that was and ask why possessed her to say such a thing. Same thing with the therapist, actually. Get proactive about your transition not aggressive, there is no need for that. We have to set an example, after all.
Last but not least, sadly it is not the look but the inner work that people pick up upon, it is the vibe you are giving out, and once I started to feel more certain about myself, hardly anyone mentioned m y gender.
In fact, once at a Rite Aid I was picking up my prescription and the cashier looked at me and said, "Mam' ... err Sir... whatever the case might be" Thinking she was going to be insulting towards me, so I smiled and said, "So for 100 dollars which one do you think it is? You only got 2 choices" She blinked and ask, "Mam'?" So I said, "Ahh if you only you had asked that this morning, right now I feel kinda Sirish, so you lose." and I replied winking at her. She was not going to do that again and that was the idea.
Hope this helps,
Wolf (FTM since 1987)