So I guess the first thing to address is you. You are still just as you were before, you simply now have a name for the aspect of you that you always had. Many times we can put a mask over certain aspects of ourselves to better fit within a group (in this case your marriage) however the true nature of ones self can not be contained forever. So what does this mean to you? It means that you are being you, nothing more. You are not changing, you are not becoming someone else, you are simply being you. Now what does it mean for your wife? It means you have reveled to her an element of yourself that she did not know about previously. The fact that you do not intend to do anything that would change things now (aside from just coming to terms) there is really nothing that has changed or for her to really come to terms with. You are you, this is simply a part of you that she has learned about. You didn't change, nor have your feelings. Would it matter if she found out that you suffered bipolar disorder? Likely not, she would have to deal with some mood changes with that, but coming to terms would be nothing. This is no different in that sense. She won't have any changes to really deal with, you are the same person, it is just a thing. Somehow I think that it will in the end not become as bit an issue as it seems. That said, communication is going to be of the utmost importance.

and once again I forgot.... welcome to the group!!! *huggles*

I suggest inviting your wife to attend your therapy sessions, so she can ask questions and get answers; and your therapist can help her come to terms with what is going on.

Ignorance is the root of most fears, by offering to include her in your sessions, you are offering her the opportunity to educate herself and become involved with what's going on - allowing her to feel more a part of it. Bringing her into your therapy sessions also shows her how deeply you trust her, and can reassure her that you intend to maintain your relationship with her.

Thanks for your responses,

I've written a letter to my wife. I intend to give her soon. I'd like feedback on it.
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Dear .....,

I love you so very much, you are the most important thing in my live. I am so very sorry that my being transgendered, is so difficult for you/me/us to deal with. I know its very hard for you understand and to accept, because Ive had a very hard time in coming to terms with it myself. Now with that being said, I do know now that I am transgendered. I really wish it wasn't true and I know you wish that as well. But it is, what it is. This is not that my I dont love you, as I still do very much, its about my being true to myself.

This is by far the hardest thing Ive ever had to go through. Yes ever harder than when I went in to the hospital with depression as it was only about me then. Whereas I am, and or my condition is the cause of all this, and affects more than just me this time. Let me clarify one thing while yes I am transgendered, I have no intention or interest in becoming a women, dressing as a women fulltime, or coming out in anyway. Meaning no one else other than you, me, and professionals, and may be people in support groups, will be the only to ever know about my being transgendered.

This is not something that is ever going to go away as it hasnt in all my years. Yes for most of the last 21 years it hasnt been an issue. Only because I was able to suppress/deny/ignore my needs. Could I continue to suppress/deny/ignore my needs? Yes, but I will be miserable and depressed.

I really never saw any of this when I was growing up, or I did but ignored it, but as I look back on my life, it is very obvious to me now. The way Ive always related better with girls and women all my life. The way I look at girls and women I always see the way they are dressed first. Ill her dress, or shoes ect, and think oh how cute, or Ill think I wouldnt wear those together. Ill see her makeup and hair, so I see women much more the way a woman does than a man does. I am always much more comfortable around women. My friends in school were girls. Ive always felt there was something different about me. I just never knew know what that was until now.

I know it's going to take you awhile to understand this and come to terms with it. But what I hope you can so come to understand and accept that this is my understanding and reality today.

So with that being said, I feel I need to do things for my inner-self. I don't ask this lightly. I know how you feel, so I'm not asking you to be part of anything I do. What I am asking you to be alright with my doing things for my inner-self, whatever that this we can determine that later.

I really do wish there was a way to make this all just go away but thats not going to happen. God made me this way, for whatever reason. The same way God does and or allows all the other things He does and or allows that we simply do not understand, such as a baby dying, ect.

I hate to bring this up, but I really do not ever ask for much. So this is the one thing I am asking you for, for you to be alright with my doing things I need to, for my inner-self. In and of itself does any of it hurt anyone, other than youre being uncomfortable with it and not liking it? Id say no it is harmless. So youve asked me what I want for my birthday. What Id really like for my birthday is for you to accept this as real, and me for what I am. But I know thats probably not going to be for now. So what I would like is that you at least accept that this is how a feel and it is very real for me, and that you be alright with my doing things for my inner-self.

Heres what Im preprocessing, more me to be able to be things for my inner-self, when you are not with me. My intention is for you never to see anything. Kind of have the old military way of dealing with gays dont ask dont tell. In other words dont ask me about it and I tell you nothing about it.

Again, I really do love you more than anything. The most important thing to me to me is you and us being together. I want us to do whatever we can to work this all out.

I welcome your response and feedback.
Love, .....
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Please give me your thoughts.
Thanks,
Dawn

I would suggest that you remove the don't ask don't tell concept or at least say that if she does want to discuss it to please come and talk to you about it any time and that you will be completely open about it. If you don't it does come off as kinda closing off communication about that. Just my suggestion, outside of that it seems fine. You just want to make sure she can be inquisitive and even helpful if she is okay with it. Even though it is about you internally, it does have a direct affect on her and you both need to be able to communicate freely once the cats out of the bag.