Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
First let me say that I am a full time student living off of my Post 9/11 GI Bill that only has about 1 year left before it expires. Meaning anything I do needs to be done within a year.
I was so close. I just had to wait for around 9 months or so for my student loans to come through and I would have had my surgery done! The only real hurdle I had was that I would be short around 3k by that time, but I was sure I could save that up and get a loan for that by then.
Then my car started dying. The first gear in my transmission died and the car started running on second gear when it should have been using first. Second gear was getting strained and according to my mechanic could go at any time... And then it would cost $1700 to fix, at least.
The engine had gone out just a few months ago too, costing me 2k to fix, which is a part of the reason I was behind 3k in the first place.
So I had to make a decision:
***I could repair the car again, be 5k behind... which I couldn't make up for with a loan and saving if I tried, at least, as far as I know. And even if I repair it what will fail next? This is two things failing in 3-4 months, I can't risk something else failing, then I'm out even more money for a car that is dying real fast. So this option is out.
***I could buy a used car, and face the same thing. The money it would cost would set me back too far to pay for my surgery, and then I would have to deal with maintenance and repairs on top of that.
***The third option is to buy a new car. This totally fucks any chances of getting my surgery done, but at least it totally secures me for my future. I won't have to worry about maintenance or breakdowns for a long time.
So I went with the third option, just today. I bought a new 2012 Kia Forte with the 6k I already had saved up down and I financed the rest. Now however, I feel so totally depressed. I felt depressed before too when I made the decision that this is what I need to do, but now its done. Final. Completed. Now I just feel so.. empty... my goal taken away from me. My precious surgery. Gone. Delayed another 8-10 years until I finish my college education and get a decent job.
I need support if I am gunna get through this. I am in so much pain. I can't remember the last time I was depressed like this. It hurts.
Buying my brand new car is the saddest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
I was so close. I just had to wait for around 9 months or so for my student loans to come through and I would have had my surgery done! The only real hurdle I had was that I would be short around 3k by that time, but I was sure I could save that up and get a loan for that by then.
Then my car started dying. The first gear in my transmission died and the car started running on second gear when it should have been using first. Second gear was getting strained and according to my mechanic could go at any time... And then it would cost $1700 to fix, at least.
The engine had gone out just a few months ago too, costing me 2k to fix, which is a part of the reason I was behind 3k in the first place.
So I had to make a decision:
***I could repair the car again, be 5k behind... which I couldn't make up for with a loan and saving if I tried, at least, as far as I know. And even if I repair it what will fail next? This is two things failing in 3-4 months, I can't risk something else failing, then I'm out even more money for a car that is dying real fast. So this option is out.
***I could buy a used car, and face the same thing. The money it would cost would set me back too far to pay for my surgery, and then I would have to deal with maintenance and repairs on top of that.
***The third option is to buy a new car. This totally fucks any chances of getting my surgery done, but at least it totally secures me for my future. I won't have to worry about maintenance or breakdowns for a long time.
So I went with the third option, just today. I bought a new 2012 Kia Forte with the 6k I already had saved up down and I financed the rest. Now however, I feel so totally depressed. I felt depressed before too when I made the decision that this is what I need to do, but now its done. Final. Completed. Now I just feel so.. empty... my goal taken away from me. My precious surgery. Gone. Delayed another 8-10 years until I finish my college education and get a decent job.
I need support if I am gunna get through this. I am in so much pain. I can't remember the last time I was depressed like this. It hurts.
Buying my brand new car is the saddest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
It is often said that thoughts are what cause depressive moods. That is to say, if you think negative, sad thoughts you will, in turn, feel bad. So to be able to lift yourself from your current funk, change your thoughts about it.
Moreover, life is about making hard decisions, at times, you may not have the money for surgery, right now and you may not have it for a while, but, now you have a vehicle, you will not have to service all the time. I see that as a wise decision, to be honest. I would have done the same, as you, in fact.
Your decision is only sad because you are choosing to see it as such, it is only a fact that you needed to buy a new car after weighing your options, now what you need to do is to stop seeing it as a direct impediment to your surgery.
The way you are seeing it is that because you had to buy a car, you cannot get your surgery. The way I see it is that, right now, is that because you had to purchase a car which you needed, you will have to wait to until you save enough to get your surgery but you will eventually get it.
We often get upset when we cannot get what we want when we want it, life never works that way if that's how we are bent on living. We must be flexible, we must live in a way where our goals are flexible not set in stone, otherwise, it's recipe for hurt and sadness.
Take me, I have been trying to get a legal situation settled since last November, well, I have yet to get it resolved, there is always something that derails it, and I am now open minded and allow whatever needs to happen happen. That is I am not resisting the obstacles because the minute that I do, it gets worse for me and the situation.
So the lesson to take away is to allow it and not resist it and know that you'll eventually get where you want to be but you cannot force it, it does not work that way.
Oh one more thing, your happiness does not depend on whether you can get surgery or not, it all depends on whether you are willing to be happy where you are right now, as you are right now. Nothing else will do.
I am an FTM for some reason or another was never able to get surgery throughout the years and lo and behold it turns out that the Universe knew better than I, because I did not need it after all.
I am not saying that's the case for you, I am simply saying that you cannot allow a disappointment set the tone for the years until you can get the surgery, that would be a sad state of affairs.
As I often say, you cannot have happiness, you have to be happy. Meaning being is all there is, that is as they say, to be or not be that is the question. So be grateful for the car you were able to acquire and for everything else you may have at this precise moment even if it is a small amount, you'll see your mood lift before you know it.
Lastly, in my experience everything in our lives happens for a good reason, so before you go off the deep end of the pool of sadness, keep in mind, that you are only seeing a minute dot on the tapestry that is your entire life and that you are needlessly getting upset over that dot that you think/believe should not be there.
You may not know why that dot is there, so accept the dot and trust that is there for a good reason, even if you believe otherwise.
Hugs,
Wolf
Were you planning for the full on SRS or breast augmentation/facial surgery?
I would have just bought a used car, they are usually good for the first year.
Veganboi, Where I live its very difficult to live without a car - not impossible mind you, but difficult. If I didn't have school and meetings to attend that are a 30 minute drive away on a regular basis it wouldn't be so bad.
I bought a new car because a used car would be good for the first year, sure, but I'd be dealing with a lot of maintenance and stuff breaking down, and I really need something that will be reliable for a long period of time as I will be attending college/university for the next 8 or so years as I pursue a masters and hopefully a doctorate.
I intend on getting the SRS, I don't need breast aug or FFS.
I looked at your picture, you look like you pass just fine. Though Im sure you want SRS not for passing, but to eliminate dysphoria and what-not.
I guess the best you can do is just focus on the good. Hey! you got a new car! You look like your on hormones, be glad for that. You're in college and you have your future planned out.
I know its easier said then done, but I guess you just need to try to count your blessings and in the mean time maybe look for some trans-friendly insurance... I know Minnesota has SRS friendly insurance, maybe other places do.
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Now I am feeling a release from the gripping depression. I have made a decision to turn my will over to God, because I know that is what is best for me.
A shift in my priorities is in order. What is more important: my short term comfort with my body, or my long term education? The answer a week ago was my short term comfort. Now the answer is my long term education. With that in mind buying a new car is one of the smartest things I could have done.
Now, thankfully, I can feel glad about it. I can enjoy my new car. I can marvel in how smooth the ride is and how I can do all these cool little things with it.
Life can be good, if I choose it. But I must make the decision first. Life is a serious of decisions, and I have made mine.
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I have named my New Silver 2012 Kia Forte "Hope" because she (yes my car is female.) embodies my hope for a future, an education, a career, and eventually my surgery.
Aren't all cars, boats and other modes of transportation female? My bike's name is Booby (like the bird with blue feet).
At any rate, that's exactly right, A change in perspective is all you needed to get past that fog and surrendering is also recommended, of course.
And before you know it, you'll be there soon enough.
Kudos,
Wolf
What she means by it is that I should not hold so tight to what I want because life is going to happen and I am going to have to be flexible and be willing to change my plans.
I would have made the same decision.
Also, went to the pet store the other day and fell in love with another cat. I so wanted her. Adult, very loving and friendly. Tail was twitching like crazy she was so happy. Didn't get her. Why? I live in a small house with two cats already. A third would have been too much. Sure, I got sad because I had to leave her. However, I am over it and enjoying my time with my current cat (the other is my roommate's cat).
As everyone else said, you have to roll with the punches. Take whatever life throws at you. If life gives ou lemons, make alcoholic lemonade.
I can do you one better: When life gives you lemons. Have a Mike's lemonade.
Hugs,
Wolf