Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
This week has been absolutely horrible! My emotions have been out of control, my stomach has been in painful knots so much, I couldn't eat much, I couldn't sleep and migraines made my head want to explode! The thought of suicide did cross my mind, but fortunately went away. Fear had me in its grip and just wouldn't let me go. I felt truly alone, unloved and unlikeable!
You see, I have always wished I had been born female and always seen myself as not much of a male! I had become obsessed with female sexual power, believing that, as a male I had none. I saw being gay as the "Grand Booby Prize" and i was the grand booby! I really hated my life.
Then I read something, about living in the day; that I needed to accept myself as I am, right this minute; that my past is done and over with, the future not here yet; I really only have today. Today, I am a bisexual male, with a strongly developed "female side." I must accept that I cannot control the future. I don't know what the future holds for me. I feel like a caterpillar, still in the cucoon, not really knowing whats waiting for me on the other side. And the "Not KNowing" scares me to death!
You see, I have always wished I had been born female and always seen myself as not much of a male! I had become obsessed with female sexual power, believing that, as a male I had none. I saw being gay as the "Grand Booby Prize" and i was the grand booby! I really hated my life.
Then I read something, about living in the day; that I needed to accept myself as I am, right this minute; that my past is done and over with, the future not here yet; I really only have today. Today, I am a bisexual male, with a strongly developed "female side." I must accept that I cannot control the future. I don't know what the future holds for me. I feel like a caterpillar, still in the cucoon, not really knowing whats waiting for me on the other side. And the "Not KNowing" scares me to death!
What you are saying in your post is what I have been saying in many of my posts. So, i'd like to expand on it, I think that for some reason you are mistaking inner power with gender power, that is a mistake most people make. We do have power, male or female, the problem is that we abdicate it, in order to fit in.
I have done extensive work on that area myself, as I am FTM and I came to realize that whenever we identify with something or someone, we lose ourselves. So how do we navigate those uncharted waters? Simple, we just live in the now, in the moment and we trust that whatever notion or whatever wisdom we need shall present itself at the right time.
Accepting is about allowing what is to be without any kind of judgement, without any preconceived notion whatsoever. It is hard to do but once you master it, it will become a habit. Fear of the unknown is a rather useless emotion because since you do not know what awaits you, why would you want to assume it will all be bad, for example? Based on what? The Past when it's already gone and done with? Remember that your thoughts create your reality.
So today you are a bisexual male, tomorrow you may be an American idol contestant belting out Taylor Swift tunes in a to die for gown, for instance. What I am trying to say is, the external shell matters not, what matters always is your internal life, not what others see or perceive to be.
But to help you along the way, you may want to investigate: The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and Change your thoughts, change your life by Wayne Dyer. All three books deal with that pesky subject: The Ego.
If you want help on the area, you can always write to me.
Congratulations on your awakening,
Wolf
Have you tried wearing female clothing, to embrace that female side of you?