How dare he use your trans status to defend his own behavior. Being trans is not a choice, and porn is not an identity. He probably knows that to some degree, but is still willing to use it against you. Sorry to rant / rag on him, but reading this made me really pissed. Trust that gut feeling of pain and darkness. And the fact is, if you feel that, your son will feel it, too. You love him but you cannot change him. He has to do that himself, and as long as he doesn't, he will hurt not only himself but everyone around him including you and your son. I'm a 19-year-old kid so I don't know jack shit about committed relationships or married life. But I do know that sometimes it's time to give up on someone you love if that person is causing too much hurt, or resisting your attempts to help. He has to understand that you're willing to do that if things don't change.

Hi Em,

I agree with madalyn because the truth is that your being transgender is not an addiction and it is most definitely totally irrelevant a comparison. They are not even the same animal, so to speak. One is about gender identity and the other is about sexual behavior.

Accepting his addiction would akin to accepting the fact that he shoots up drugs every day. Your (I have no nouns right now), is using an argument that simply cannot and will never hold water.

You may love him but I tell you this from someone who is in recovery from pornographic addiction, you need to love yourself more and see a way where you can be happy along with your ten year old son.

If he is dead set on continuing on this path, I'm afraid there is not much you can do. He needs to see it as destructive, you showing it to him will fall on deaf ears, specially from the comments he makes to you.

If he needs online porn there is a problem, to say the least. So you need to ask yourself whether you want to be subjected to his addiction or you want a life for yourself.

Hugs,
Wolf (FTM)

Yeah, when I read that part about the hubby trying to compare his addiction to porn and trans gender as the same, I imagined using my finger nails, and moving them slowly across the school's chalkboard. The two are not related, anyway, it is obvious that the hubby is just making up excuses to cover up his addiction to porn. Anyway, addiction in general, is a serious matter in which a person's habit, isn't easily to stop. I can't tell you what you should do or not do, as for your marriage is concern. Have you thought about seeking a marriage counselor?

Thanks all for your replies. I really, really appreciate it. You all speak from a deep place of truth. I know there is no connection between the two and I think I'm in a space now to express that effectively to him. But I know if he continues to cling to that lame-o argument then I can't really concern myself with that. I know from head to toe what I need to do and that is let him know I am out of this relationship unless he can prove a serious attitude regarding recovery. I'm just trying to sort through the logistics right now because we share a car and take turns driving my son to school, etc. but untangling is not impossible. and I have amazing support from my dad who wants nothing more than to see his grandson come through this with no damage. Regarding marriage counseling... that is a looong story. We've actually been to five separate ones. Two of them I refuse to go to because they actually backed up his sick arguments. One came across as kind of a male basher and I didn't blame him for not wanting to go back. The last therapist was the best and most neutral and he has a lot of experience in online addictions. I think if we go back that is the one we'll see. Hopefully soon.

Truth is an addict will use anything to justify their behavior. If he did not have the trans issue to try and leverage with, there would always be something else

Yeah, I agree. I'm going to be strong and not taking any more of his excuses. I'm making arrangements for my son to be at my parents tomorrow after school and then I'll have a discussion with my h. It's totally over between us unless he gets himself into serious recovery and agrees to software with parental controls. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm going to keep in mind that it is about love. Love for him, myself and my son. I want us all to live in the light. If that has to be in separate places, then so be it.

You're doing the right thingy by protecting your son, and sitting down talking things over with your hubby. He has to be willing to change his ways, and take a good look at what his addiction is doing to you, and family. He can't see what he is doing right now, because he is so far gone into his ways. Your not going to take his excuses anymore, he needs help. If it was me, and I caught my hubby looking at some porn instead of me? I wouldn't be playing around with the idea, cause he knows he would be out the door.

I do hope it works out for you family.

Your attitude, coming from a place of love for all of you, is a great strength you have.

Hi guys, just wanted to share we had our third Saturday session (another hour and 1/2) with our addiction therapist and i think it went really well! I'm feeling good about it. I'm not making any big assumptions that we are out of the woods or he is going to go to recovery, but I feel like i stood up for myself in a clear way. I told him that if he doesn't have a change of heart about this stuff then I will insist on a 6 month separation and then we can get back and talk at that time to see if we will divorce. I told him I don't fear separation any longer but feel sad about it because I love him and feel concerned about him too...I'm not just wrapped up and self-absorbed in my own feelings of pain but also concerned about him and why he needs porn. The therapist asked me to be specific about why I felt this way about needing to separate and I (usually a quiet person of few words) went on at length exactly why in great detail, leaving nothing to the imagination. Then the therapist asked my husband to repeat what I said and I was stunned that he could actually do it! He was actually listening! Wow. I feel like I've been talking to a door knob for months and it just woke up and talked back. How surprising!! And he did it in a very authentic and heartfelt way. And he said he still wants to be supportive to me as transgender. As we left the therapist said that was actually one of the most amazing couples sessions he had ever seen (maybe he tells everyone that). But he said it again later over the phone when he called me back to schedule the next session. So maybe it is true... because it has taken me four years of individual work to get here and it all just dumped out at once. All my anger, sadness and love for him poured out. Thanks to all of you here and your support.

Hi Em

I had been wondering how you have been doing. I am very glad to hear the sesion went well - that you were able to articulate what you need in your relationship and are standing your ground as you need to. It is very inspiring. Wishing you all the best. Hugs

I'm glad everything went well for you, and that he is finally listening to your feelings, good for you and stay strong. *hugs*