Firstly, welcome to the group. Now onto the things you are going through, 15 days in 8 months I am assuming you both must be military or the like. I cant say i would retain my job any longer than i had to if it was getting that far in the way of my relationship unless i was. In this case it will also make it harder for you to deal with what you will need to in regards to what he is feeling. You are going to need a great deal of communication on it and it just doesn't sound fiesable. I would think it will make it difficult on you and your child as you will essentially be a single mom functionally. You will never really be able to understand how he feels in this. Understanding requires a common frame of reference so the best you can do is accept, which it sounds like you have done for the first part. Where it gets tricky is, if he decides to transition, are you able to be lesbian? If not then sexual contact for your relationship will come to a halt. He is right in that he is the same person either way, but you had a certain set of parameters when you got together with him and now those are changing, so in a way you are losing the man you love. Instead you will have a woman you love should he decide to actually transition. Ultimately in order for him to do anything, he will have to jump through a huge amount of hoops and they are not something he can do being away from home. Likewise, even the cross dressing overseas can be extremely dangerous as there are countries that it is a death sentense if you are caught.

I guess you could look up a book called true selves (its a pretty inexpensive book) but goes over what he is going through which may help you some. Communication will be the biggest thing and in a relationship it is the most important thing. Him saying his bits shouldn't play a part in how much you love him shows there is some communication that could be worked on. Where a relationship should never be based on sex, you fell in love with a man, and unless you are bi, that simply doesn't change. He seems to be missing that element of it. Not sure if any of this helps you, but i really think you two need to figure out a way to get more time together and talk about things and i wish you luck with the child.

We already have a child (a little boy), and then this one that is on the way. So I "technically" have been a single mom since this all started. It is really tough on all three of us, but it is what it is. He is in the military and I travel a lot for work. He told me that he isn't sure that he wants to transition, but he wants me to be open about it. The military has very strict rules, and he could be dishonorably discharged if they ever found out (which both of us think is stupid). This means that we can only talk over text or Skype when anyone else is around him (which is pretty much always), but we try to discuss what we can when we can.

As for our sexual relationship, I have always wanted it more then him. I just have a higher sex drive then he does (a lot of that is because of my bipolar disorder). Because of that I am always afraid that he doesn't want it, or that he doesn't find me attractive but he continues to tell me that I am wrong. I am bi curious, but I don't know if I can have a lesbian relationship. Plus I am worried about our kids. I mean how do you explain to children that they are going to go from having a mom and dad to having 2 moms? I don't know, maybe I am just over thinking everything. I do love him, nothing will ever change that, I am just scared.

It doesn't help that he started pushing all this on me after I had a really bad roll over accident. The concussion I got makes it really hard to concentrate or process anything. I just want to be able to be there for him without feeling like I am losing him.

Welcome to the group.

I am a veteran, I was out of the military under care of the VA when I finally had enough and came out as transgender FtM(Female to Male). At first, they weren't sure how to handle this, even though they admitted I wasn't the only transgender veteran being treated in the area. Since then, they have covered some of my surgeries - albeit grudgingly, and with much investigation and foot-dragging - because some of their own doctors ruled the operations were medically necessary. I have been seeing a gender specialist(trained therapist) outside the VA - VA paying for it - since 2011. Now, it is looking like the local VA is bringing in two gender specialists of their own, with an eye towards shifting my therapy over to one of them. I have been TOLD this might mean that the VA will be willing to cover the final round of surgeries I need to complete my transition, however I am not counting on that being the case, given the history of how they have handled my medical care up to now.

Still, it is - I hope - another step in the right direction for the VA in their view and treatment of transgender veterans. I will be seeing one of these supposed gender therapists of the VA's within a few days.

I CAN say that the VA HAS got in place a form and process for transgender veterans to have their legal names and genders changed in their medical records and files. However, not everyone in the VA's system is aware of this - there are PLENTY of people still working under the mistaken idea that anything other than the strictly male - female gender roles is illegal, if not outright impossible. This is beginning to change, as more veterans come forward and come out, and we get farther away from the era of "don't ask, don't tell". I am thankful that my VA primary care physician is among the more enlightened, and didn't even bat an eye - he took it in stride, educated himself, and has been most willing to help me find ways to coax the VA into covering as much of my care as possible. He was the one who approved my going outside the VA for endocrinology to get my HRT as testosterone, and has seen to it I get the bloodwork and T as prescribed. He was the one who helped get the VA to perform their version of "top surgery" on me - because without it, my shoulder injury(gotten while in the military) would have continued to worsen.

The thing to remember about the military is this: it is a HUGE bureaucratic mess, so ANY changes are resisted at EVERY stage and step along the way - and it takes TIME. But eventually, things pile up to the point where a landslide happens, and the changes go through. I have been lucky thus far - and I have been careful to not take anything personally that has happened along the way, keeping in mind that how I react and handle things will impact on any future transgender veterans following me through the VA's system. I am well aware that locally, I am the main - if not only - face of FtM transgender veterans for the VA at this point. I strive to maintain the best impression of what being transgender means, in hopes this will smooth the way for others who must look to the VA for treatment.

In short, changes are slowly working through the system. Don't give up hope; eventually the military will reach a point where gender identity is no longer a problem - but it will take time. A lot of the worst resistance comes from the "old guard", and as they age out, the changes spread.

How old is the oldest child? The reason I ask is if the littlest one is under say 2-3 years old, memories haven't really started forming yet and so with luck if he started to transition during that time or you taught the child that it is 2 moms now, it won't be an issue. If they are older, you would be amazed at how well kids adapt. I have 3 nieces and they are having no challenge adapting to their uncle now being their aunt. They are 5 and 2 twins that are 3. As for the military, depending on the branch they have gotten much better. When it comes to gay and lesbians, they can no longer do anything about it across the board. They still threaten things because many it makes uncomfortable, but the fact is there is a mandate from the chief of staff stating that LGBT shall no longer be discriminated against. The transgendered thing is complex in that they aren't really sure how to handle it in the military. As Joe said, the VA has kinda gotten a handle on it but still not quite there. The VA however will provide medical care short of SRS to trans patients. The military on the other hand, where they will do hormone therapy, they tend to be a bit more strict in that if you are full time, you are full time and yon wont be in the womens barracks and so on until you have had surgery. So he doesn't have to worry about getting kicked out. They cannot do that any longer and these changes occurred in the last 2 years. I would say give yourself some time to heal from the accident and then take this on. It is a great deal to process and it will take some time, plus you have the changes with the child on the way and the one you already have, plus work, so you kinda have a lot going on and if he isn't planning to transition right now, then things really haven't changed that much aside from he has told you the true nature of why he likes to dress up. It will be a take it as you go situation and it sounds like he is apprehensive about transition so it gives you time.

Our oldest just turned 4, and he already thinks of his daddy as his hero (as cheesey as that sounds). In fact, since he left, our son refuses to sleep in his own bed because he misses him so much. He remembers our wedding which happened 4 days before his second birthday so he is a strange kid lol.

Its not that my husband likes to dress up all the time, but he wants to every now and again. In fact I think it has only happened twice since we have been together.

I just want to learn as much as I can so that when we are able to talk that I wont feel so overwhelmed by everything. It is nice to know that there is a place that I can open up and have support from others either in his situation or mine.

you are more than welcome to here and we will answer questions and do the best we can to help :D Feel free to ask anything you will that strikes your mind and I believe there is a group for spouses of trans people though I don't know what its name is. So you might look and see if you can find it to have a second option as well and one that will be from the prospective of your side. As for your son believing his dad is a hero, I wouldn't say that is all that uncommon, children tend to idolize their parents when they are young as well they should.

Hi dear Charity,
It is almost impossible to understand how somebody feels, let alone someone who is transgender. It is really great that you support her more than 100%. I agree with her that the person you are married to is still the same no matter what what genitals she has. Of course it is normal that you feel lost, even more in your condition and in the situation you both are in.
The only advice I can give you is that you talk to her, try to understand her as much as you can. But also ask her to understand your position. From experience I can tell you that coming out to your loved one is so immensely difficult. I guess your partner is really lucky to have you because you are trying so hard. I really truly hope that the two of you will sort things out, give it time and talk. I admire that you reached out for help and I hope my words at least helped you a little. If you want to talk to me more, please let me know.
I wish you all the best, big big hugs, Maren

Maren,

You hit the nail on the head. I know it is impossible for anyone to know exactly what anyone else is going through, even if they are in the same situation or have had the same experiences. I guess that I why I came here. I have so many mixed emotions about everything that I can't understand them, let alone verbalize them. I just want to be there for my husband without freaking out because of whatever he opens up to me about. I want to be strong for him, I really do, but I just don't know how long I can do that . . . guess I wont know until it comes to that point.

Dear dear Charity, the same goes for you: nobody can ever know what you are going through! Or tell you what you should or shouldn't do. All we can do is offer you a shoulder and a virtual hug for support. There may be something that I can do for you though. I don't know if you are familiar with the healing practice of Reiki. I am a practitioner and could maybe bring some relief. If you are interested and if you have skype please add me: maren-777. You can also write me an email: anonangelfish@gmail.com
Big big hugs, Maren

Dear Charity,

I feel for you even I don't know how you feel exactly. But I think I know how you husband is feeling somewhat. He probably feels a lot like I do. If you want to go reed the letter I wrote to my wife, and posted today, if may give you a good idea of how he's feeling, not that I want to or can speak for him.

Dawn