Summer was a big blob for me, now I'm seeing the beauty of things, hope it lasts.
No surgery for me, but I feel for you ,Cherry. Soon, just keep telling yourself. Your due!
So all and all lets have a wonderful Fall.
Janie

Ah, Cherry, I'm so glad you let it out. You have been much too quiet, like the calm before the storm. You may be right about us being too nice and not wanting to rock the boat. We tend to be creatures of habit and push when we should stand still.

I lost my job by a few masoganist underqualified idiots and then I told my long time boyfriend to just go away for good. I cried a lot about my job but not about my boyfriend. He was just a bad habit that was a long time in getting rid of. I managed to take control by taking career courses and hire a lawyer to get some money into my account and buy me some time, but I do have moments of depression and sudden surges of tears.

On one hand, I desperately needed these last few months off to learn how to sleep again and stop the constant strain on my body. My job was actually killing me and my boyfriend was this pit of negativity. I am 100% better without both. But the pain continues and I know that I am dependant on the pills.

I am gaining confidence in myself and appreciating my family and my perdiciment, even if it is less that the marketed 'ideal'. I am spending a lot of time with my aging parents and my youngest son, I think that is something that is very valuable at this time.

But to be perfectly honest, when I am alone, I am on the verge of tears. I feel angry at myself for taking this long to figure out that I should stop giving to meatheads. I get it now and why I do it, but I need to find the time to cry it out, accept it within myself, and let it go. I need time.

I'm afraid my settlement money will run out soon and I'll have trouble providing and I'm afraid that my next job will be a dead end or a wrong fit or I will wind up working too hard again or, my head will hurt worse. Many fears inside of me regardless of how cool I look on the outside.

Well, I hope I don't push when I should be standing still. Right now I've interviewed for a job that I think is a good fit and I'm waiting for a call back. Other job postings all seem to have a big negative so I'm not going to apply but instead put my time to what is important to me. I can always apply next week if this falls through. I will put my trust in God/The universe. So far it has served me well.

Thanks for listening.

Who is next...........

OK...we're starting to get the hang of it. Let it out!

Cherry I'm so glad you posted this. I've been gone for 2 months from DS because I actually started feeling like I shouldn't bitch or complain. Everybody always seems so upbeat and positive. I started feeling out of place. Thank you for opening the door.

I'm to tired right now to fuss much but I assure you I've got an ear full. My body is killing me. I have more bad days than good. I'm freaking miserable lately. On top of the pain the 3rd year anniversary of mom's death is the 18th. Her birthday was the 30th. I'm trying to be happy I force smiles and hold in the tears. The truth is I'm scared. I don't want to wake up in the mornings. Asking why me again, what have I done to deserve all this torture. OK enough about me.

I'm so glad you've gotten surgery's to help remove pain. I pray it works for you.

I've missed everyone. I plan on checking in daily again. See you all tomorrow.

Healing hugs,
Marci

So good to hear from you, Marci. Please don't isolate yourself because of how you think you should act! I'll admit that I was doing a bit of that too, though.

When this group was 'hatched', we said that it was a safe place to let it all out. Guess we need to remember that!

How weird to find this thread right NW. I know I don't come here often..
I don't come to DS much any more. Just barely keep up with the one little side room that's been my sanctuary.

..I'm right where Marci is. ( and..like the rest of you..don't like sharing mystery.
....every morning...I look at the day ahead...
And look forward to..hopefully ..going to sleep again that night.
I'm as afraid of dying as anyone..
But..every night...there's the thought that..if I can go to sleep..
Staying that way would be better than not.

Like many of you..
I'm just tired of the struggle.

Sorry for the downer..
But..you're right, Cherry...we need these truthful outets sometimes.
Thanks
Luvnhugs.." all that jazz"
jc

..right now..not NW..
Mystery...not mystery
Outlets..not outets..

God..do I even HAVE spell-check any more?
( I think it quit in horror)

It is so nice to see you posting here again, JC, and oh, how many times I have thought the same thing as you. I tell my doctors that I'm not suicidal, but I would like to die now. This is where honesty resides. Big hugs to you ((((JC)))))

Enigma are you glad to see me too? Or just JC? LOL

Healing hugs,
Marci

Of course we're glad to see you, Marci..!!!
I know you ladies have been around DS longer than me..
But..I find comfort in the group that's left that was here when I found DS..
Most of whom now have..like me..gone to little side groups...
So..we're kinda scattered about.

" Enigma".. I'm sorry you understand so well those feelings, too.

I'm so grateful to have people who " get" it to talk about these feelings with..
My family would be afraid and anxious if I talked about this with them

Hugs hugs hugs

Of course I'm happy to see you, Marci. I gave you a special post in missing hens. I see you noticed that already. (wink) big hugs (((((Marci)))))

I know exactly what you mean jc. When I look at the cp group where I started, I'm overwhelmed by the number of people I don't know and I don't have what it would take to catch up.

I'm really pissed at the amount of pain in my neck and newly repaired shoulder this morning..... Grrrrr. I have PT in an hour and I need to hear that it's going to start feeling better pretty damned soon. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. WTF???

Cluck...sniffle

I will gladly...unfortunately....join in. Since I usually have one crying fit a day...it's nice to come here with you ladies that get it!!!

I'm devastated at where I am at with my recovery :(
I'm upset I have lost the entire summer
I'm upset my life consists of drs, pain, meds, needing to lay down most of the day
I hate...absolutely hate asking for help so much from so many people (but thankful...so thankful I have people to ask!! And my AMAZING daughters who would do anything for me :)
I hate the look of...shall I say...disappointment on my husbands face.
I hate feeling like a burden to him
I hate feeling like a failure of a wife
I hate I can't be the mom I was
I hate I can't finish school :(
I hate I had to apply for disability...and the long long road that's going to be
I hate that I've gained so much weight again...and I still need more steroids :(
I hate that my 2nd oldest brother has pulled away from our lives and I miss my nieces...I wish he missed his
And lastly...I hate that I just wrote all that..that that's who I've become at 41 yrs old.

Sorry for all that, but it does feel good just saying all of it...every part of this nightmare. Not that I don't have blessings and I do believe God is with me, and will get me thru, and has blessed me with a wonderful family and I am so glad my oldest brother is here to help, to take me to apts, and the girls love him so much

Thank you Cherry for providing an outlet. I pray for you and all on this thread to get thru this

Autumn

Autumn... Sweetie...I'm so sorry that nothing is going as it should for you. I'm going to share what my therapist said to me when I was telling how bad I felt that Sister is doing so much for me while I felt useless.

He asked me what I would do if my Sister needed help and I was healthy enough to provide it....hmmm. My Sister reminds me that several years ago, the tables were turned and I was the one providing her care.

Big hugs...

Damn it..I've replied twice since Autumn..and it's disappeared. ( OR..I keep forgetting to hit the reply button before I exit..:-)

Cherry...I hope your recovery begins to be easier soon. ( Isn't it amazing to be anticipating the possibility of improvement...compared to how bleak things were some months ago?) Hoping hoping hoping for great success from your surgery.

Autumn,
I understand the feeling...but..wish you wouldn't feel bad for venting. You were in the Superwoman role for a long while..with a heavy burden...you are entitled to your feelings.

Hugs to all
jc