I'm afraid and confused and I need to talk it out with someone who understands.

My teen son mentioned that he noticed that I've been really stressed lately, and this coming from a kid that has his head in a computer screen on talking to his girlfriend. If he notices, then that explains why everyone is giving me strange looks.

Migraines have been increasing and I thought that when I got Botox earlier this month, that it would settle like it did before, but this time, it didn't. My neck and shoulders have instead gotten all stiff and will spasm, but the migraines continue on. Auras, like bright sperm zooming around in one eye or the other , happen almost daily now, and then BAM, the migraine increases. I haven't had a break for months and I'm plummeting into a deep feeling of hopelessness again.

I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. For me, pity is poison and it is what stops me from sharing this. There is so little that can be done for migraines and I've tried it all now. This little kitchen reno has really took a lot out of me and I'm hiring others to do it. Today I was hoping that I would be alone with the installers, but instead I had a house full of my family too which causes stress. Then Jim stopped by to deliver lunch and I wound up running him out. I treated him like crap. I did warn him that I was stressed and in a lot of pain, and he WAS causing stress, but I was never a person that would be that cold and hard like I am now.

Then my mother called and wanted me to come over to help her with some planning next week, and I quickly cut her off and said I have to go. That's not me. There is just too much all the time.

At work, there is this guy that is bucking to get my job and likely to stab me in the back first chance he gets, and I don't give a shiat. I have such little fight in me, and so much biatch in me lately.

What would happen if I just stopped? I have to stop at some point? I can't tell anyone that I took a few days off of work because then suddenly my phone starts ringing. Seriously, I have to keep vacations days a secret and hide.

There is never enough time to rest. Half an hour here or there just doesn't cut it. I'm so used to doping up and pushing through pain that everyone in my circle just expects me to do just that ALL the time. Just one more time, just one more hour, just this time. I am so exhausted, but at the same time........

I am afraid to stop, because when I stop, I feel. I feel the fear and hopelessness and the responsibility that I have over me that weighs me down. I feel the fear that I am getting worse every year and there is nothing that can be done, and I have no back up.

People are asking me why my hands are shaking and I don't even notice myself. I am exhausted, and yet again here I sit when I should be going to bed to sleep, and I'm forcing myself to stay awake and I don't know why. Lately what I do, doesn't make sense.

I take all these drugs. For intense pain, I take a perscription muscle relaxer and Oxycodone and T-3's together and you would think that make me right high, but all it does is make my ears ring and take the sharp off the pain for a while. The pain is still there and I get no buzz high to it at all. I so wish I could take something and the pain would go away, but I don't dare take more. The pain is always there; its just a matter of degree.

I really don't know the reason for this email other than to tell someone how I really feel. This life of migraine pain is so isolating. There is no xray, no operation, no real medication, no effective painkiller, no reason and no cure.

Thank you for listening.

Angela