The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
Speaking of self-respect and support, I need feedback and support for my new-fledging self-respect and telling of my truth. And lo and behold getting opportunities to do that. GULP! Can you help?
1. For the past ten years or so, my #1 Christmas wish was to spend Christmas with my kids and grandkids but it rarely happened and was not something I cold count on. So in the meanwhile I started a nice tradition that takes care of me and gives me something to look forward to instead of waiting around to find out if that plans were made without me. I host a party on Christmas Eve. Well now one day before inviting my friends, my DD puts out a tenative invite for me to spend Christmas with them. As much as I would love to jump at the chance to live out my fantasy of Chirstmas with them, (has never happened before and her oldest is 8 years old..) I feel that I need to not wait for her sure answer about that and go ahead with my plans I already made, Plus my car is dying, plus I have a second job, I am starting next week, I gave up factoring in my kids for the holidays so this takes me by surprise. So now, what do I say to her that lets her know how much I would love to make holiday plans with her but need to go ahead with the plans I have already made. Maybe next year we can start earlier to make some plans and even start some new holiday traditions for our family.
OK that is what I'd like to say. But feel so guilty and confused about this.What is that?????
2. My kids have a texting conversation going on that somehow my name is on and one of them says, "I wish we could all be together every year." I want to say something... Like "I wish we could start talking together about what kind of a holiday traditions we like to have as a family that would include getting together .
Any ideas?
I see, almost all of my friends who have relationships with their kids seem to have worked out some kind of solution to this. Like every other year here or there or getting together before or after or something. Not just his random thing that excludes certain people.
1. For the past ten years or so, my #1 Christmas wish was to spend Christmas with my kids and grandkids but it rarely happened and was not something I cold count on. So in the meanwhile I started a nice tradition that takes care of me and gives me something to look forward to instead of waiting around to find out if that plans were made without me. I host a party on Christmas Eve. Well now one day before inviting my friends, my DD puts out a tenative invite for me to spend Christmas with them. As much as I would love to jump at the chance to live out my fantasy of Chirstmas with them, (has never happened before and her oldest is 8 years old..) I feel that I need to not wait for her sure answer about that and go ahead with my plans I already made, Plus my car is dying, plus I have a second job, I am starting next week, I gave up factoring in my kids for the holidays so this takes me by surprise. So now, what do I say to her that lets her know how much I would love to make holiday plans with her but need to go ahead with the plans I have already made. Maybe next year we can start earlier to make some plans and even start some new holiday traditions for our family.
OK that is what I'd like to say. But feel so guilty and confused about this.What is that?????
2. My kids have a texting conversation going on that somehow my name is on and one of them says, "I wish we could all be together every year." I want to say something... Like "I wish we could start talking together about what kind of a holiday traditions we like to have as a family that would include getting together .
Any ideas?
I see, almost all of my friends who have relationships with their kids seem to have worked out some kind of solution to this. Like every other year here or there or getting together before or after or something. Not just his random thing that excludes certain people.
Well, the key word is *one* of the worst experiences. There is no reason why I have to set myself up for another emotional disaster by getting sucked into the Christmas vortex. So I don't. And I'm better off for it. I am not bitter about it, it is simply a holiday that I no longer participate in.
Hi Marre, and glad you checked in to let us know you are busy but okay :-) <<hugs>>
Did you ever make plans to color easter eggs with the Grandkids. That's another holiday that ended up a wreck. Same with trick or treating. All of em.
HS
I have pretty much given up on all the holidays now, except for Christmas, because I love it. I have had to make big changes in how I see that holiday though. Let go of some dreams and fantasies that involve having my kids/grand kids involved in some way or a partner to share it with. I decorate, play the music and have a party. Every year I ask myself, Shall I do it again? This year I did my decorating and even got my tree early, because I was not getting depressed waiting around for those kids to make up their minds or include me. OK, I admit the season does make me really want someone to share it with. But I enjoy it and my decorations are appreciated by my clients. They are simple..not over the top in any way.
One of the really cruel things my youngest daughter said to me, " You are just going to end up being a lonely old woman." ( Her MO when she doesn't get what she wants is to spew out a really mean cutting verbal abuse) Well, I will be dammed if I will make her right about that. My life is full and rich. Of course there are lonely times....that loneliness for family and belonging.and being #1 important to someone. Except my cat) HA!
So, they way I see it, she is half-right (you WILL live to be an old woman!!!). But lonely? Not if you can help it! You already have more cyber-friends than you know, who are ready and willing to hold hands on this awful journey of ours. . . and who knows who may be hiding in your future?
My daughter told me that she hopes I die alone because that is the worst thing she could wish upon me. Little does she know that dying alone won't be a problem. . .what's worse is living alone, without my precious children who somehow grew up to be such dumb-asses. . . who knew!!!!
None of us should take any of these comments personally... these comments are what a person spits out as a smoke screen when they are trying to win a battle (verbal or otherwise) that they are clearly loosing.... hoping to knock the enemy off balance. Shock and awe... so to speak. Words like that can make a person emotionally bleed... which is their intention. Only hateful people would do something like this.
It is a viable tactic in the child/parent warfare, but only if you take it personally. I take NOTHING my ED says personally.... she's just nuts so nothing she has ever said has any value whatsoever. When she would start that crap with me I would put a blank stare on my face and just silently wait. With no reaction from me... she would get out the heavy armor. Slinging even more hateful things trying to get a reaction. When none of it worked and she was out of ammo... she would launch the final (and predictable) attack with a great big F U ! .......... and leave... slamming the door behind her. (Which is what I wanted her to do... L E A V E.) You can't argue with a monster so you just have to let them burn themselves out. LOL!! When you realize that they are just making a fool of themselves, it becomes quite entertaining to watch them fizzle out ! This was a 30 year battle with my ED...so I had plenty of practice at learning how to win... or at least survive it.
Just remember.. they're not anywhere NEAR normal.
Kb, I think your approach for enjoying Christmas for yourself with the party, etc., is excellent and very healthy.
If a person loves a particular holiday (as I do Christmas), I think it's good to keep on enjoying it in some way. Why let other people take something we love away from us?