The Den Community Group
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Speaking of self-respect and support, I need feedback and support for my new-fledging self-respect and telling of my truth. And lo and behold getting opportunities to do that. GULP! Can you help?
1. For the past ten years or so, my #1 Christmas wish was to spend Christmas with my kids and grandkids but it rarely happened and was not something I cold count on. So in the meanwhile I started a nice tradition that takes care of me and gives me something to look forward to instead of waiting around to find out if that plans were made without me. I host a party on Christmas Eve. Well now one day before inviting my friends, my DD puts out a tenative invite for me to spend Christmas with them. As much as I would love to jump at the chance to live out my fantasy of Chirstmas with them, (has never happened before and her oldest is 8 years old..) I feel that I need to not wait for her sure answer about that and go ahead with my plans I already made, Plus my car is dying, plus I have a second job, I am starting next week, I gave up factoring in my kids for the holidays so this takes me by surprise. So now, what do I say to her that lets her know how much I would love to make holiday plans with her but need to go ahead with the plans I have already made. Maybe next year we can start earlier to make some plans and even start some new holiday traditions for our family.
OK that is what I'd like to say. But feel so guilty and confused about this.What is that?????
2. My kids have a texting conversation going on that somehow my name is on and one of them says, "I wish we could all be together every year." I want to say something... Like "I wish we could start talking together about what kind of a holiday traditions we like to have as a family that would include getting together .
Any ideas?
I see, almost all of my friends who have relationships with their kids seem to have worked out some kind of solution to this. Like every other year here or there or getting together before or after or something. Not just his random thing that excludes certain people.
1. For the past ten years or so, my #1 Christmas wish was to spend Christmas with my kids and grandkids but it rarely happened and was not something I cold count on. So in the meanwhile I started a nice tradition that takes care of me and gives me something to look forward to instead of waiting around to find out if that plans were made without me. I host a party on Christmas Eve. Well now one day before inviting my friends, my DD puts out a tenative invite for me to spend Christmas with them. As much as I would love to jump at the chance to live out my fantasy of Chirstmas with them, (has never happened before and her oldest is 8 years old..) I feel that I need to not wait for her sure answer about that and go ahead with my plans I already made, Plus my car is dying, plus I have a second job, I am starting next week, I gave up factoring in my kids for the holidays so this takes me by surprise. So now, what do I say to her that lets her know how much I would love to make holiday plans with her but need to go ahead with the plans I have already made. Maybe next year we can start earlier to make some plans and even start some new holiday traditions for our family.
OK that is what I'd like to say. But feel so guilty and confused about this.What is that?????
2. My kids have a texting conversation going on that somehow my name is on and one of them says, "I wish we could all be together every year." I want to say something... Like "I wish we could start talking together about what kind of a holiday traditions we like to have as a family that would include getting together .
Any ideas?
I see, almost all of my friends who have relationships with their kids seem to have worked out some kind of solution to this. Like every other year here or there or getting together before or after or something. Not just his random thing that excludes certain people.
I like your response. But I would leave out the "other plans." And I would address the uncomfortable part about it being the holiday. . . is she inviting you because she wants a Norman-Rockwell, picture-perfect day? Or is she inviting you because she truly misses you and wants to help heal the family?
I might say something like this, if it were me:
"So nice to hear that you’d like me up for Christmas! But I just can't do it this year what with my car dying and working two jobs right now.
Maybe we can make some solid plans for getting together that don't include holiday stress. How about we get together in February? The <dates and dates> work for me, how about you? That would allow me to start saving some money and planning for time off. . . How cool would that be?
I am so sad to be missing what sounds like the best Christmas ever but have <these dates you proposed> in February circled on my calendar."
Of course, this would never happen to me. Because if it did the shock of receiving the invitation would be too much for my heart, and I would be dead on the floor from a heart attack. Or stroke.
"Of course, this would never happen to me. Because if it did the shock of receiving the invitation would be too much for my heart, and I would be dead on the floor from a heart attack. Or stroke." Too funny! LOL!
THAT''s the point!! You got it!! We all sometimes allow our hearts to jumble up our minds when it comes to the possibility of seeing our estranged ones..(and grands). Thankfully, I do not have nor will I have any grands, but I do recognize that that puts a different spin on the situation for others.
The VERY hard part is to keep our self respect and behave in ways that maintain our self respect, even if it means passing on a chance to see them. But we simply should not lower our self respect just to be entertainment in their circus. Truth be told, if they were truly genuine in their attempt to include us, they would welcome it on any day of the year... not just holidays or birthdays. They would also have respect for our situations and understand that we should not be expected to drop everything because out of the clear blue, they want us there on a specific date or occasion. Of course that will never happen, which tells you that it's all a dance... therefore, there is absolutely nothing to stress or feel guilty about. Like you said..." Main thing is that I am behaving in self-respsecting ways no matter what they decide to do".
OR... God forbid... they would come to see us!! LOL!!
The situation with my ED is completely dead. Over. Finito, But.. my other D has one foot out the door already. She lives 1100 miles away and I haven't seen her for 1 1/2 years.... and hadn't seen her for over 2 years before that. Only hear from her on the obligatory holidays... then the conversation is lacking of anything personal... and eventually, she goes fishing... dropping hints of needing $$$ or giving me her Christmas list... When I don't take the bait she suddenly "has to go". Shocking huh?? I've done this dance before with my ED... participated in it for way too long... and WILL NOT do it again. I used to beg D to come home for T-Day or Christmas... I don't even bother to elude to it any longer. The visits are uncomfortable and strained. Nothing to talk about any more. If she were to ask me to come to her house for... well any reason.. I would tell her I cannot make it. It would not end up going well... I'd rather be with my friends that care about me. My life here is good now and I'm gonna keep it that way. Life's too short to play the obligatory games any more. It's either genuine or it's not.
Respond to her when she gets back to you.... IF she gets back to you. Tell her the truth but no more that she needs to know. Offer to do it another time when you can plan it. Be nice but don't compromise your self respect. Leave the ball in her court. Then LET IT GO! So many of us have put our lives on hold waiting.. waiting... waiting... for what???? Nothing. IF it comes... fine. If it doesn't... you haven't wasted any more of your life... waiting.
Don't let them keep you in an emotional prison. Don't AGONIZE over them. Trust me.. they don't agonize of us for a minute!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
P.S. Spelling doesn't count. ;-)
She is one I do go up to see in the spring or summer and we have a good time and she is in regular touch through out the year so that is no problem. The main message I have here is regarding the family communication about the holidays.
So, while my biggest Christmas wish has been to be included, and to have Christmas with kids and grandkids she is too late with her invite. I've already made other plans. Especially when she starts thinking about Christmas in the summer. Last minute does not cut it with me for this holiday.
No she does not ever come see me in spite of many invitations to do so. But she sure does trip around to see other family members and her Dad who live at least as far away or more.
Papabear I think you hit the nail on the head---the source of my anxiety about all this is that I would again be blamed for not coming with : "Well, we tried, but you know how they are."
BUT, she has not really got back to me so I really did not even get a firm invite or any firm plans. So I need to make my own plans that do not include kids or grandkids. AGAIN!
It is not so much that I want to be with friends (versus her) again this year. It is that I do want to know what I will be doing and to not be alone. I need to invite my friends in enough time for them to make plans. I need not to wait around til the last minute waiting on the kids to come through or not and then be left sitting alone because they did not get back to me and I did not make any other plans. That is the bottom line here. If she wants me as much as I want to be with her, she will find a way and she will give me a real invite and let me know in time. This was a tentative invite one day before I put out my invites. I was already making my plans for the month.. ....since I no longer even factor in the kids any more. Maybe next year if we want to make Christmas plan for being together we will do it in enough time.
That's something I've never forgiven my mother-in-law for. . .not only did she spawn the demon seed, she hid the truth and let me marry the bum!!!!
HS