The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
Speaking of self-respect and support, I need feedback and support for my new-fledging self-respect and telling of my truth. And lo and behold getting opportunities to do that. GULP! Can you help?
1. For the past ten years or so, my #1 Christmas wish was to spend Christmas with my kids and grandkids but it rarely happened and was not something I cold count on. So in the meanwhile I started a nice tradition that takes care of me and gives me something to look forward to instead of waiting around to find out if that plans were made without me. I host a party on Christmas Eve. Well now one day before inviting my friends, my DD puts out a tenative invite for me to spend Christmas with them. As much as I would love to jump at the chance to live out my fantasy of Chirstmas with them, (has never happened before and her oldest is 8 years old..) I feel that I need to not wait for her sure answer about that and go ahead with my plans I already made, Plus my car is dying, plus I have a second job, I am starting next week, I gave up factoring in my kids for the holidays so this takes me by surprise. So now, what do I say to her that lets her know how much I would love to make holiday plans with her but need to go ahead with the plans I have already made. Maybe next year we can start earlier to make some plans and even start some new holiday traditions for our family.
OK that is what I'd like to say. But feel so guilty and confused about this.What is that?????
2. My kids have a texting conversation going on that somehow my name is on and one of them says, "I wish we could all be together every year." I want to say something... Like "I wish we could start talking together about what kind of a holiday traditions we like to have as a family that would include getting together .
Any ideas?
I see, almost all of my friends who have relationships with their kids seem to have worked out some kind of solution to this. Like every other year here or there or getting together before or after or something. Not just his random thing that excludes certain people.
1. For the past ten years or so, my #1 Christmas wish was to spend Christmas with my kids and grandkids but it rarely happened and was not something I cold count on. So in the meanwhile I started a nice tradition that takes care of me and gives me something to look forward to instead of waiting around to find out if that plans were made without me. I host a party on Christmas Eve. Well now one day before inviting my friends, my DD puts out a tenative invite for me to spend Christmas with them. As much as I would love to jump at the chance to live out my fantasy of Chirstmas with them, (has never happened before and her oldest is 8 years old..) I feel that I need to not wait for her sure answer about that and go ahead with my plans I already made, Plus my car is dying, plus I have a second job, I am starting next week, I gave up factoring in my kids for the holidays so this takes me by surprise. So now, what do I say to her that lets her know how much I would love to make holiday plans with her but need to go ahead with the plans I have already made. Maybe next year we can start earlier to make some plans and even start some new holiday traditions for our family.
OK that is what I'd like to say. But feel so guilty and confused about this.What is that?????
2. My kids have a texting conversation going on that somehow my name is on and one of them says, "I wish we could all be together every year." I want to say something... Like "I wish we could start talking together about what kind of a holiday traditions we like to have as a family that would include getting together .
Any ideas?
I see, almost all of my friends who have relationships with their kids seem to have worked out some kind of solution to this. Like every other year here or there or getting together before or after or something. Not just his random thing that excludes certain people.
(It's the way I do mine anyway.)
I want to always, always be there for my kids. no matter what it costs. NO matter how I have to contort myelf to do so. OH god, just hearing myself I now see how co-dependent that is. She lives about 400 miles away and my car is dying and I really do have to work. OK, I could take those days off but then I would be adding a lot of stress to catch up. Just bad timing and too last minute and too uncertain. I not yet heard back from her. She had to check with her hubby and then said they did not know what they were really doing .
So this is what I am thinking to tell her: What message does this convey?
"So nice to hear that you’d like me up for Christmas. It sounds like your plans are still up
in the air so as much as I would sooo love to have Christmas with you guys----I feel I need to go ahead with the plans I already made for this year. Plus with my car dying and working two jobs right now. Maybe next year we can talk earlier and make some solid plans for getting together…maybe even start making some new family holiday traditions for getting the family together for the holidays. How cool would that be?"
Exactly, that is what i am trying to get clear about, am I playing a game, am I telling the truth. I am a bit confused right now.
And well, you tell me. Could you pick up and travel there tomorrow? You've got the money, gas, time off of work?
Because I couldn't.
And I have this month planned out. If I i am going to have my Christmas Eve party as i have done for the last ten years because I did not want to be alone on christmas.
I feel better now, got the crazies sorted out. The pull for family the pull for taking care of myself Setting boundaries. Whew. sometimes such hard work. Hope it gets easier.
they say an ACOA does not know what normal is. Well that applies to anyone programmed by a dysfunctional system. But I do not need to know what "normal" is I and seeking what HEALTHY and SELF-RESPECTING is.
I think part of my struggle here was the internal programming rose up: that setting boundaries and taking care of myself is wrong, selfish, rejecting, hurtful to others and means I will be rejected for sure.
I know that is stinking thinking.
i am so grateful for you guys hanging here with me while I processed this. My PEACE buddies helped too.
All good advise above. Don't play the game. Period. If it were feasible for you to attend... fine. But with your circumstances as they are... it's not. Even if you don't take into account your Christmas eve plans, it's still not feasible.
Also, if you just explain the 2 jobs and the car situation, you don't have to explain your Christmas eve plans... (that's none of her business at this point anyway). Offer to plan something in the future when you might be able to get vacation days from your job?? See what she says???
Just keep your self respect... tell the truth and don't agonize over it. Have your friends over on Christmas eve and enjoy yourself!
".Do what works and is easy for you" Really?? Moms do that? LOL Thanks Cara, that is perfect! KISS
Yes, moms of adult children do that. They are adults and we will be having an adult relationship now!
How easy I slipped into forgetting that.
I sent out my invitations today. I did not send my note to her because I asked her to let me know so I will wait a few days see how long it takes her to decide then tell her or send the note,
and this is the kid I have the best relationship with at this point. Main thing is that I am behaving in self-respsecting ways no matter what they decide to do. That is my bottom line. Not trying to change any thing or anyone but myself. I am training others (and myself) how to treat me. If they decide to wake up great if not...oh well their loss. Hmmm I need to get it first though,
It also seems from what you wrote, that although it has been your dream to be with them, you want to be with friends once again this year. I think once you put things in writing it was clear what you really wanted to do. And certainly no need for anxiety because if you go with message you had prepared, it was truthful and heartfelt and hard for any offense to be taken.
Enjoy your holiday planning.......
It also seems from what you wrote, that although it has been your dream to be with them, you want to be with friends once again this year. I think once you put things in writing it was clear what you really wanted to do. And certainly no need for anxiety because if you go with message you had prepared, it was truthful and heartfelt and hard for any offense to be taken.
Enjoy your holiday planning.......