This was posted by Artemis000 on the HOPE group forum. Wise words for us all:

Chapter 9 (Page 29): Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible

By: ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT

Source: http://www.support4change.com/relat...


(Continuation of Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.)

"The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.

While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.

Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.

Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.

Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.

Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."

Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.

Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.

Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)

Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.

Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.

Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.

Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen."