The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
This was posted by Artemis000 on the HOPE group forum. Wise words for us all:
Chapter 9 (Page 29): Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
By: ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Source: http://www.support4change.com/relat...
(Continuation of Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.)
"The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen."
Chapter 9 (Page 29): Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
By: ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Source: http://www.support4change.com/relat...
(Continuation of Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.)
"The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen."
I don't owe my bullies forgiveness.....or anything for that matter. Oh....ok.......I'll give them back their knives I've retrieved from my back so they can use them on their next victims!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pketb6gxR3w
Unbelievable!!!!
It would not be natural to love them.
IMO the letter from the mom she sounds as if she is down on her knees groveling - and of course the daughter sounds happy about that. IF they reconcile the daughter has placed stipulations on that - what about her mom. Sorry EJ, this all sounds very one-sided to me....as usual. We all know it takes the sincere efforts of both parties in order for it to work.
My oldest daughter laughed at me right after her wedding when my grandson asked her who I was. Because she knows I love her it makes it easier for me to not feel guilt about the estrangement. It is important for me to have everyone, especially her, know that I did all I could.
The letter is for me? Why? I have reviewed over and over in my mind what I might have done. I have apologized (to all people in my life, not just EC) when I have said/done something that might hurt them. I apologized to my EC many times and she just kept on blaming me.
She sent me a long email of all my wrongs and told me to go to therapy and work on it. I could make very little sense of most of that letter, but I was saw distraught that I went to a therapist and wrote my daughter that I was beginning to work on "it". Well, I began amends and wrote her back 3 times and she never answered. She had asked ME to work on it and get back to her and when I did, no response! The only thing I can think of was that I did say in one email, "I see some of what you said, but not all" but I am very sorry for your pain and that is what is most important" (perhaps this was what I did wrong? I don't think so. I look at that email today and I can't believe it ... as I see it with clear eyes, I see the twisted thinking in it. I know what I have said and done and what I have NOT said or done, and I never apologized for anything I did not do. I opened myself up, repeatedly, only to get shot down in pain. No more. I'm done.
People who truly love you will work with you to make things right. There are two sides and BOTH need to be heard and worked out. The letter is one=sided in that you are walking on eggshells when you have to worry about every single word being misconstrued. I am not talking about one who would write some nasty, offending email to their child here. I see no problem in saying "this has greatly affected me" because it is the truth.
If you have to play games to get your child back, you have gotten nothing. You retain the power-over relationship where you walk on eggshells. If you have to walk on eggshells and continuously apologize for making a mistake, you are in an abusive situation.
What has your EC done to repair the rift? What do you think they were doing all those times you were crying and in pain? Do you think they KNEW you were In pain? And if they knew this and continued to let you suffer, what does this say about them? What does it say when they give you the silent treatment? The silent treatment is considered to be one of the most severe forms of emotional abuse going because it says "you do not exist". What does it say when they withhold your grandchildren from you? I could go on forever but enough is enough.
If you love a person you don't want them to hurt.
If you love a person you want to work to make things better
If you love a person, you do NOT try to hurt them.
Love is TWO people who working together to make it work .. on an egalitarian basis. Give and take.
Coleman says they are "hurting". There are better ways of dealing with one's hurt than to estrange a parent who has been good to them. Estranegment is severe punishment for, in most cases, mistakes that ALL human beings make,
Coleman says we need to do these things because they have the upper-hand and they have left so they hold all the cards. That is like saying the way to deal with your abuser is this....
I ask you this. If you reconcile, where the rules are made by your EC, where you are not "allowed" to discuss what happened, what kind of relationship will you have?
No one action will insure that a rift is mended. Writing a letter of amends is not some magical thing. Many people have written them ... and nothing. There is no perfect letter. I know because I literally wrote my letter 20 times and kept deleting. That kind of fear and anxiety speaks volumes. Finally, I sent a short "starter" letter as mentioned above, and I received silence.
As long as EC holds on to their anger, they are likely to see everything you say as a way to manipulate. I remember one instance in semi-estrangement where my ED was telling me over the phone that she was very anxious. I said "honey, what is wrong"? She got really angry and said "stay out of my business" or something to that effect. Fact is, I have. She is in second marriage, first was awful and I was treated badly by DIL but NEVER said a word. I truly have to say I never interefered in either my DD's or ED's life. I learned that lesson from my own MIL from hell. My reaction to hearing she was "anxious" was the same as it would be to anyone whom I cared out who told me something was wrong. It was knee-jerk reaction.
I point this incident out because if someone is angry at you, they will find fault in what you say and do. And it is easy to find fault when you are angry with someone.
Sorry for the overly long post.
Jade
EJ - "It is important for me to have everyone, especially her, know that I did all I could.". That sentence of your's is exactly what they refuse to understand. We all have done all we could, even going so far as to do things a parent should never have to do to gain love and respect from our child. They live in their own little world of whatever their opinion is of entitlement due them, and them alone. Even trying to get them to communicate with us is a brick wall. We have all been through enough hurt, stress, illnesses, embarrassment you name it we have been there. I was in a very dark hole over this estrangement long enough, why would I want to go back....no, thank you. I am not saying I don't love her, I simply do not like her any longer. It took too long to climb out of that hole. I will not continue to make myself ill over this especially when it is something I pleaded with her in the beginning to help work out and she refuses. Only if we all lived in a perfect world, then maybe.....
Karma: so true. "We all know it takes the sincere efforts of both parties in order for it to work".
Mystic: A former neighbour of mine who lost a son to death some years ago said that "she felt it was easier to accept than estrangement, not least because she was able to complete the mourning cycle and continue to love him, speak of him with pride and thus keep his memory alive and there was ultimate closure in a positive way". Whereas in estrangement there is no positive closure, no resolution, just a mass of unanswered questions and emotional turmoil.
Jadenot: again...so true.... "If you love a person you don't want them to hurt.
If you love a person you want to work to make things better
If you love a person, you do NOT try to hurt them.
Love is TWO people who working together to make it work .. on an egalitarian basis. Give and take.
The operative words here is it "takes two" .....it might only take one to cause the discord but it would always take two to resolve it.
Epic: Each of us handles estrangement in our own way and to that end...there is no right way and there is no wrong way...what works for you will not necessarily work for me and visa versa. We each deal with it as best we can.
although I walk on my hard path in quasi estrangement
love is not this one way street
it takes two to tango you can try to do it alone but it doesn't work
funny thing in quasi estrangement land clarity comes easier,things start to not bother you because you care so much less. you've been through the fire and the person you see before you isn't the one you are mourning that person never existed to begin with.
you really understand the motivation easier and the abuse reflects on the abuser
you stop making excuses for the abuser and realise you've changed whether its your child or not you've changed .