The Den Community Group
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This was posted by Artemis000 on the HOPE group forum. Wise words for us all:
Chapter 9 (Page 29): Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
By: ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Source: http://www.support4change.com/relat...
(Continuation of Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.)
"The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen."
Chapter 9 (Page 29): Closure When Reconcilliation Is Not Possible
By: ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT
Source: http://www.support4change.com/relat...
(Continuation of Chapter 9 of Letting Go of Our Adult Children, in which you can learn how to let go with love when true reconciliation is not possible.)
"The origin of your letter arises out of conflict, of course, and you will want to take plenty of time deciding what should be included and excluded. You don't want to fan the flames but to put them out.
While there are many approaches you can take in writing your letter, I offer the following as important guidelines.
Say why you are sending a letter at this time. Perhaps you may want to tell your child that after doing some work on your own issues you have decided to put past conflicts behind you by acknowledging those things that are unlikely to change.
Make certain that the letter is an expression of love.
Be honest in what you say and in how you say it. And remember that any attempts at manipulation are only likely to drive your child further away.
Be sure to tell your child that what you write is your perspective of what has happened and not necessarily "the truth."
Assume that your child is in pain over the rift in the family, even though he may seem not to care; a cavalier attitude can hide a great deal of pain. Let him know you understand that painful emotions are possibly the reason he has chosen not to be open to reconciliation and that you hope he is able eventually to find peace to heal his own pain.
Let your child know you recognize that he has a right to make the choices he has made and you also recognize that his choices are reasonable to him, even though you do not understand them.
Do not accuse him of ruining your life or causing you physical problems. (Although I had a back operation brought on by stress during a time when there was much turmoil over problems with Matthew, I have never blamed him for my inability to handle stress more effectively.)
Acknowledge that you influenced him in many ways when he was a child and accept responsibility for your part in the current problems between you. Do not, however, take all the responsibility in the hope that, by doing so, he will return to the bosom of the family. He is an adult and responsible for his own actions.
Realize that your spouse or another significant person in your child's life also influenced him, both positively and negatively, and you may want to discuss that person as well. Be careful, however, to acknowledge that your view of that person is your own and may be distorted by your need to see that person in a particular light.
Let him know what you appreciate about him and how you hold onto the good times you shared. Do not, however, expect that just because your child enjoyed trips to the beach and family vacations that his perception of problems in your family cannot possibly be true.
Keep the door open for future contact, if you would like that to happen."
She may or may not ever regret it...I certainly do... as it hurts innocents and perpetuates unreason for many innocent parties to her and my relationship whatever that might be.
I will not put words in writing for her to hang her hat on and twist around or use to hurt innocent grandchildren who have no part in this situation other than she has CONTROL of them now.
My estate/trust attorney can explain the legal part...she has been skipped over with no explanation except her own actions which now have even bigger consequences...maybe she could sue her own son for the estate if she feels she was "left out"...there will be no emotional letter from me....no reason why...just eternal silence from me...and my grandson will know he was loved and missed always by me by what is left and there will be a letter for him explaining my side.
Silence and unending grief is what she has left me with...silence and perhaps unending grief on her part (who knows maybe she will be happy I am dead) is what I will leave her with...but she damn sure wont get the estate or anything of her families...she made her choice over 2 and 1/2 years ago with no explanation or closure on her part....she needs no explanation or closure from me.
Being an only child of parents with quite a sizeable estate I am sure she is counting on being the recipient of such estate.
For closure on my part...she can always wonder and ask why/how did this happen and live with it.
Sorry if I stepped on any toes but she gets no pass card from me after hurting many many people...not just myself...and for no known reason.
AllK
As for the/a letter....if it works for you....go for it.....I wiil take the suggestion and mull it over.
Allk, your letter can say "I forgive you" so she can see she was not left out, and your grandson can read his "letter" with all the overflowing love he has missed from his grandparents.
P.s. you will have the last word. Hugs
DH's ex wife was estranged from her mother for many years and just hearing how his daughter spoke about her grandmother left me horrified. She died two or three years ago without reconciling. DH's daughter was about 18 and inherited quite a large amount of money...enough to see her through college and certainly enough left over to make life comfortable. When I said "how kind your grandmother was to leave you this inheritance" she just shrugged and pulled a face. She then went on to tell me what a pain it was in having to sort out her grandmothers house and possessions and laughed about finding empty bottles of alcohol there. It was on the tip of my to tongue to say "the way she was treated would have been enough to turn anyone to drink". Instead I said I found it so sad, and that the poor woman must have been in much pain and felt so alone. There was absolutely no reaction to this...just total indifference. Had I felt as strongly as she did about said grandmother I certainly wouldn't have been able to accept that money....but that's me.
I am resigned to the fact that there will be no reconciliation with my ED and have no wish to write to her anymore. If you have to beg someone to be in your life they don't deserve to be there.
There is a limit to how much any person, however loving and kind, can take. On reflection I gave her more than she was ever willing to give me and certainly more than she deserved.
Hi everyone. I am new to this particular discussion group but have belonged to HOPE for 5 years. My daughter was estranged from me for 3 years and we reconciled 2 years ago actually, it was 3 years ago!! the time sure flies by!. Things have been really good with no walking on eggshells.
What led to our reconciliation was that I took Dr. Coleman's course. I wrote a letter and waited 2 weeks so that I would be sure I was ready for whatever happened next..
Respectfully, I think you are missing the main point of the letter. It is not for your child, it is for you. To help YOU move on, In of itself, I can see where you would think you have to apologize to your child for things you didn't do. But that is not what Dr. Coleman is suggesting you apologize for. In the context of all of his classes, you are apologizing that your child is hurting and angry and that their perception is skewed. That how they feel their childhood was may not be the reality but how they experienced it.
Please read it in its entirety before you pass judgement. I acknowledge that my child had to be in the right head-space to make this happen but what motivated me was that I had to accept that I was the grown-up here and I needed to stop all my obsessing about her, wondering, waiting and move on with my life no matter how it ended. Luckily it was positive and I was quite shocked. I had expected the worst which is why it took me so long to mail it. I leave it now with you in the hopes that your children will come around. I pray for all parents whose children have written them out of their lives. TL
"April 15, 2011
Dear C:
You are my child and I love you dearly. I know that I made terrible mistakes with you when you were growing up. I know at times I didn’t show you the respect that you wanted. I know that you must be in a lot of pain to want to cut off contact with me.
I have reread your emails and I am glad now that you let me know how you feel. I am so sorry for the ways that I let you down as a parent. I know that I was harsh
in many ways as well as being distant and not respectful of the adult you have become and that that was hurtful to you. I could understand why that would make it harder to have a relationship with me. It is true that I was preoccupied in many ways when you were a young adult and that it prevented me from being as involved with you as would have been good for you. I know I didn’t treat you as the adult you have become.
I hope there are ways that I can make it up to you in the future. I have tried hard to make amends to you and am willing to continue talking about whatever is
important to you about the past if it can move us closer together. I do want to
hear what you feel and would always be open to a letter, a phone call, or a
meeting with a family therapist if that would be helpful.
I really want you to be happy, and I am coming to accept that you don't want to
have a relationship with me. It's heartbreaking, as your parent, to not be able to
see you or talk to you. At the same time, if you believe it's in your best interest, then I don't want you to feel guilty. You must have your reasons and I can accept your decision if that's what you have to do. I want you to know that the door will be open for the rest of your life if you change your mind. Until then, I will respect your wishes and refrain from contacting you.
With my love,
Mom
April 28
Well i got your letter a couple of days ago and appreciate the time you've taken to reassess and understand where I am coming from. I'd also like to make it clear that I have always wanted a healthy relationship with you and knew I'd have to walk away until that was possible.
The past is the past and my previous emails were me letting go of that, I have no desire to rehash old arguments; instead I'd rather start fresh and get to know one and other again. I would like this time to be different so that we can see and speak with each other on a regular basis. I'd be willing to give this a shot if you're willing to go with a couple ground rules I think will set us off to a good start and will prevent us repeating old mistakes. The first I think i've already covered, I need you to dismiss any childhood preconceptions of me, a lot of time has passed, I'm very much a grown human being. The second is something that has to do with my big happiness project this year and thats "Fight Right". I've put a lot of effort into the project and I need everyone in my life behind me on it. What I mean by "fight right" is really just slowing down the reaction process, really analyzing the situation from every angle, sleep on it, then if its still bothering me I'll bring it up in a calm way. And if the discussion gets too heated, leave it until emotions settle. There are lots of other goals of the project but this is one of the ongoing goals for this year.
Perhaps we should meet up and discuss things. I was thinking we could meet in the middle maybe _____, or we could go to that tea house in _____ again. Whatever you like. I have Sundays and Monday mornings and evenings off.
Love
C
I say...Why bother?
Not much good is likely to come from one. On the other hand, it writing a letter that will get no reply or a nasty one (because what other response do you think you'd get) is helpful to you.....then go for it.
You wrote <<<<<Putting the onus on the victim adds insult to injury. Having been stressed to the point of having broken heart syndrome, I don't back-handedly blame myself because of my inability, to handle stress better! Why does the victim have to rescue their abuser and excuse reprehensible behavior? Bull roar. Mama Polar Bear>>>>
Thank you so much for writing this. It expresses what I always felt was wrong with the Coleman approach ... that the parent must the the 'bigger person' and the EC has all the power (yes, he is certainly right about that). And they use that power to hurt you over and over again until you say "no more". I am sure many of us have tried until we were weary via phone, emails, etc., and received the silent treatment and more.
Unless the parent has committed some serious form of abuse, I see estranging one's own parents, and all the behaviors that go along with it, ie,, the silent treatment, withholding grandchildren, etc., as forms of abuse on their part and the onus is on them, not us.
Agree with all above who are shaking their head with this suggestion. Somehow it will help us? I don't think so. Nothing will help with this Death by a Thousand Cuts. It just won't.
So one person had luck with Dr. Coleman's suggestions? How wonderful. One out of hundreds of thousands.
Suggesting that we write a letter when all hope is lost just doesn't work for me. Would we be kind and forgiving to a pitbull gnawing on our ankle or a criminal holding us hostage? Same thing to me.
Not gonna happen.
As often seems to happen during and after a major holiday, there has been a small flurry of estrangement activity and writing which, for the most is centered on reconciling with the person you are estranged from. Most recently, Mother’s Day has come and gone and a number of posts and articles appeared about how to reconcile with mom, with the occasional ” happy ending” story thrown in for good measure. For instance, have a look at this NY Times Daily News article, Estranged From My Mother No More; A Mother’s Day Remembrance.
Articles about reconciliation can be very reassuring for people who long for or are committed to potential reconciliation, but many people either don’t know if they want reconciliation, or are quite clear that they do not. It can be difficult enough to find anything written about estrangement, but it can be very frustrating and isolating when what is written has that reconciliation focus. As a reader wrote to me yesterday,
“I can’t ever imagine reconciling with my mother. In my heart I know it would not be healthy for me. But I can’t help but feel like I am the worst daughter in the world to know this. I could never say it out loud. I don’t want to reconcile.”
When I consider my own circumstances with my mother and I think about the many clients, research participants and reader’s stories I listen to, it becomes really clear to me that we need to make safe space for those who choose not to reconcile. If you don’t think that reconciliation is in the cards for you now, or in the future, that’s okay. If you don’t know if it is possible and feel unable to make a decision about reconciliation, that’s okay too. Some of us will not have a choice about whether reconciliation is desirable. It should be said for many of us, the decision to estrange completely was never ours.
We need to take the reconciliation pressure off of ourselves and each other. We need to stop thinking that reconciliation is the only choice, the “happy ending”, the “best” choice or the task we should be most preoccupied with. Relationships are unique, as are the circumstances of reconciliation. A one size fits all solution (reconciliation) is unlikely to fit or be appropriate for us all. While there are lots of good reasons to seek reconciliation, there are plenty of not so good reasons to do so too. If reconciliation does not fit for you at this time, let that be okay.
All I can add to that is...."Ditto".
I personally do not agree with Mr. Coleman's theories... period. I have made every attempt to make peace with my ED for over 30 years. I am no longer willing to fling myself on a cross so she can yet AGAIN nail me to it. NOPE. I'm done. I'll leave that job to the Professional.
FYI - I am not in judgement of those who would continue to reach out or follow the forgiving theories. (Although I might advise against it...) Each of us has to follow our own hearts and set our own limits with all this. I'm just here to help support those who need it. As Epic said "If reconciliation does not fit for you at this time, let that be okay".
" perceive" as the truth). Coleman's approach is flawed as this type of communication would only play into my EDs hands and give them yet more power over us (the victims of their cruel treatment). It originates from a position of desperation to have EDs back in our lives whatever the cost to us,it borders on grovelling.
Not going to happen!
As Pippa said - reconciliation is not an option for those of us who have been shunned without ONE word or one chance for communication. Who's the monster now? Would any monster parent be on these estrangement sites for years and years if they were in fact the monster?
And what about influence by other family members - the DIL or SIL; the in-law parents; our own parents or siblings; friends...the list goes on. Our estranged adult child has chosen to believe someone else or someone else's skewed view of us in that case. Why? I have no idea. We can drive ourselves crazy wondering why. Ya just can't explain crazy, can ya?
"Do not accuse them of ruining your life." Why not? Whose life hasn't been ruined to some extent by the loss of a child and grandchildren? Should we celebrate this change? Of course not. They are absolutely, positively at fault for ruining a huge part of my life I'll never get back. It's a testament to all of our survival skills just to get through the Estrangement Wars with our lives.
We should work on our issues? Why? In most cases we have been loving, giving (money and time), supportive parents. What have they done? They have continued to be cruel. That's their issue; not mine.
I wouldn't be writing from my "perspective" as I would be writing from the truth. I'm in this; I know what happened. If there were lies and deceits, who's believing a falsehood? Not me.
Don't remind them of happy family times/vacations in the good ole' days? Why not? Not every child gets those great experiences from their childhood; mine did.
If I could do it all over again I would not have children. I would not be in the place where I loathe my adult child for the abuse and pain caused. No one should have to go through that. People say that it's worse to lose a child to death than estrangement? I'm not sure about that. At least the child lost through death didn't do it deliberately to spite their mom/dad. Estrangement? I can only believe it's deliberate because...it is. So for me, it's worse than death. I can't even go back and revisit those happy times because that wouldn't be healthy for me.
Sorry for this long rant, but this writer (shared by Epic) and Dr. Coleman haven't been in MY estrangement. Maybe their estrangement is different.
I find this sample letter to be fully of airy-fairy psychobabble and I'm not buying it.