Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
It's been a little over 3 months since we lost Alexandria and although it was getting a tiny bit easier, these past 2 weeks I feel like I'm back at square one. Things between my husband and I are horrible right now. I think he resents me because when our daughter died everyone focused on me and I suppose everyone kind of ignored him. I've tried to be there for him as much as I can but it's even more difficult now. Lately he has completely shut down and I am currently not living in our home with him because of it. He had a really tough childhood growing up and he says that all his demons and everything he's ever gone through is coming out of him at once. He won't really communicate with me and it's killing me, he says that at night when he would see me sleeping he'd look at me and would want to hug and kiss me but that for some reason he can't. Yesterday he told me that everything about me reminds him of her and I honestly don't know what to think of that. I don't want to give up on our relationship because I love him and just need him so much right now but I am at a loss. He says that he needs some time alone and that he will pick himself up and doesn't want to talk to anyone. He's obviously not open to going to a support group or talking one on one with someone so what can I possibly do? I honestly think he's depressed--he won't really eat, he can't sleep and he drinks to ease the pain--he's just not there. I need your advice ladies, what can I possibly do? I've tried everything so now I gave in and am giving him his time and space, what can I do?
I went to a counselor...it helped a lot.
He definitely is showing signs of depression. Is there a friend of his that has know him a long time that can talk with him? Even an older relative?
I think I would just remind him how much you love him and just keep asking if there is anything you can do for him in a way that lets him know that you really care about him.
Good luck! I'm sorry if I'm not helping but I am praying for both of you to eventually be able to come together and give each other the love and support you so desperately need right now!
You said that he had a 'really tough' childhood? Meaning what- was he emotionally and physically neglected? Child of a broken home? Latch key kid?
And that everything about you reminds him of her, and that at night he wants to kiss you when you are sleeping but he can't? Did you ask him why? I don't know you but I am going to go way out on a limb her as a gay woman that more or less thinks 'like a guy' compared to other gay woman (including my partner) and certainly more than any of my straight women friends.
Does your husband express his love for you best physically? In other words- does he feel closest to you, and most loved by you when you are intimate? Have you been able to be intimate since your loss? Please understand I AM NOT suggesting anything is wrong if you haven't been or haven't wanted to.
But let me tell you how I am and why I bring this up. Your husband sounds like me when I was 15 years younger. My primary love language is touch. It always has been. I was starved for affection when I was a kid (broken home, alcoholic home, etc.). When I became a young adult and started having relationships (first with men, then I came out at 21), I loved to be physically close to my lovers.
I feel most loved by touch from my partner, I feel most able to express emotions through touch rather than words. Touch does not have to be sexual, but sex can sometimes be the type of closeness I desire most with my partner when I am sad or feeling. If your husband is like this, he may feel scared to hug and kiss you when you are sleeping because he really wants to do even more because that is truly what he needs to feel safe and loved and connected to you. He may be scared that his interest in touching you will either traumatize you, lead to a fight perhaps- that you might wonder how he could want that now, or he may feel like its his fault your baby died (I'm assuming here that you guys got pregnant the old fashioned way).
I can't speak for your husband, but if you are having problems in the bed room that have contributed to you not living together- he may be one of those people for whom touch is his primary love language. And for many men, that can mean sex is his primary love language. There is a great book called the 5 Languages of Love- it's a tiny little book but very very powerful. I would really recommend it. If you guys read it, he may be able to articulate some of his feelings. Even if what he wants is not something you can give right now, getting to the point of him talking about what he needs is really important. There are other ways to burn off the energy of needing touch or sex to feel ok... believe me. It requires you do a lot of working out (it's in part the endorphine high of sex that makes touch junkies feel loved), there are ways he can make himself feel and communicate better.
I don't know your details- did he have a chance to hold the baby? Would he? Did you get any grief counseling at the hospital?
I am sending you positive thoughts. Losing our children is hard enough- your marriage is something you both need to be willing to fight for because you are in this place together and it can bring you together.
Good luck!