This morning I had my 6-week post delivery check-up. It included a two hour glucose test since I had gestational diabetes. When I was first taken back to have my blood drawn, the technician and I made chit chat while she got everything ready. Then she said, "Congrats!" I was puzzled, trying to figure out what she could possibly be congratulating me for, until she said, "Did you have a boy or a girl?" OH! I could barely get it out, "He was stillborn," and then burst into tears. The tech felt so bad, and said nobody had told her (usually they would tell her ahead of time, apparently, to avoid conversations like this). She was extremely apologetic and gave me a huge hug, telling me how sorry she was. So, off to a great start, huh?

I didn't realize this appointment would include a pap, so that was the second bonus of the day. The doctor had the autopsy and chromosome test results. Turns out Alexander did indeed have Down syndrome (the doctor had voiced as much in the delivery room), and it was ruled a cord accident since he showed signs of asphyxiation. Neither of these were huge surprises, since the doctor informed us in the operating room that the cord was around his neck and he appeared to have Down syndrome. One new fact, though, was that the cord placement was abnormal. Instead of being firmly attached to the placenta, apparently it was attached to the membranes surrounding it and only marginally attached to the placenta. My specialist had made a comment around week 20 that the cord wasn't in the "normal" place, but he didn't seem concerned, so neither was I. Today I asked the doctor if it was something that should have been monitored, but she said with something like that that there's basically nothing they can do to change it.

So, now we've confirmed the cause. I've been feeling so many emotions today.....sadness that my boy had so many strikes against him from the start, resignation that we finally know when so many others never get answers....anger that the pregnancy went on for as long as it did, since it seemed to be doomed from the start. I feel terrible for thinking it, but I almost wish that if I was destined to lose this pregnancy that it could have happened earlier so that I could have avoided a c-section. I know I would have been devastated by a miscarriage, but since I had a c-section, I've been advised to wait a year before TTC again. Right now, a year might as well be a million years. I feel so guilty and selfish for wishing I didn't have a c-section, and I know for my safety I should wait the year, but it is going to be so hard. It took us a year of trying both times I was pregnant, and the thought of possibly not being pregnant for two years is unbearable.