Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
This morning I had my 6-week post delivery check-up. It included a two hour glucose test since I had gestational diabetes. When I was first taken back to have my blood drawn, the technician and I made chit chat while she got everything ready. Then she said, "Congrats!" I was puzzled, trying to figure out what she could possibly be congratulating me for, until she said, "Did you have a boy or a girl?" OH! I could barely get it out, "He was stillborn," and then burst into tears. The tech felt so bad, and said nobody had told her (usually they would tell her ahead of time, apparently, to avoid conversations like this). She was extremely apologetic and gave me a huge hug, telling me how sorry she was. So, off to a great start, huh?
I didn't realize this appointment would include a pap, so that was the second bonus of the day. The doctor had the autopsy and chromosome test results. Turns out Alexander did indeed have Down syndrome (the doctor had voiced as much in the delivery room), and it was ruled a cord accident since he showed signs of asphyxiation. Neither of these were huge surprises, since the doctor informed us in the operating room that the cord was around his neck and he appeared to have Down syndrome. One new fact, though, was that the cord placement was abnormal. Instead of being firmly attached to the placenta, apparently it was attached to the membranes surrounding it and only marginally attached to the placenta. My specialist had made a comment around week 20 that the cord wasn't in the "normal" place, but he didn't seem concerned, so neither was I. Today I asked the doctor if it was something that should have been monitored, but she said with something like that that there's basically nothing they can do to change it.
So, now we've confirmed the cause. I've been feeling so many emotions today.....sadness that my boy had so many strikes against him from the start, resignation that we finally know when so many others never get answers....anger that the pregnancy went on for as long as it did, since it seemed to be doomed from the start. I feel terrible for thinking it, but I almost wish that if I was destined to lose this pregnancy that it could have happened earlier so that I could have avoided a c-section. I know I would have been devastated by a miscarriage, but since I had a c-section, I've been advised to wait a year before TTC again. Right now, a year might as well be a million years. I feel so guilty and selfish for wishing I didn't have a c-section, and I know for my safety I should wait the year, but it is going to be so hard. It took us a year of trying both times I was pregnant, and the thought of possibly not being pregnant for two years is unbearable.
I didn't realize this appointment would include a pap, so that was the second bonus of the day. The doctor had the autopsy and chromosome test results. Turns out Alexander did indeed have Down syndrome (the doctor had voiced as much in the delivery room), and it was ruled a cord accident since he showed signs of asphyxiation. Neither of these were huge surprises, since the doctor informed us in the operating room that the cord was around his neck and he appeared to have Down syndrome. One new fact, though, was that the cord placement was abnormal. Instead of being firmly attached to the placenta, apparently it was attached to the membranes surrounding it and only marginally attached to the placenta. My specialist had made a comment around week 20 that the cord wasn't in the "normal" place, but he didn't seem concerned, so neither was I. Today I asked the doctor if it was something that should have been monitored, but she said with something like that that there's basically nothing they can do to change it.
So, now we've confirmed the cause. I've been feeling so many emotions today.....sadness that my boy had so many strikes against him from the start, resignation that we finally know when so many others never get answers....anger that the pregnancy went on for as long as it did, since it seemed to be doomed from the start. I feel terrible for thinking it, but I almost wish that if I was destined to lose this pregnancy that it could have happened earlier so that I could have avoided a c-section. I know I would have been devastated by a miscarriage, but since I had a c-section, I've been advised to wait a year before TTC again. Right now, a year might as well be a million years. I feel so guilty and selfish for wishing I didn't have a c-section, and I know for my safety I should wait the year, but it is going to be so hard. It took us a year of trying both times I was pregnant, and the thought of possibly not being pregnant for two years is unbearable.
I am so sorry for your loss. Answers as to what happened still don't tell the story of why you, why your little boy. It is all just so unfair.
We lost Isabella because of her cord too...same as you described, the term they gave us was "velementous". they caught it very early but the few things I found and everything they told me was that "normal obstetrical management" and their only concern was growth being slowed.
Isa bella was measuring in the 90-95 percentile for growth, and I was not gestational diabetic, so I was convinced that it was all going to be ok, except that it wasn't. She was moving after lunch on a Friday and by dinner stopped moving and confirmed gone after midnight that night... its so awful, but wanted you to know that as rare as this kind of thing is supposed to be (1% chance) and not genetically related (our amnio was normal) that some of us out here know what you are experiencing .
don't feel selfish... a year seems like a long time... and I wonder myself if a miscarriage would have been better than the pain of a full term loss... but I did so enjoy my time with her,she was feisty and I am glad for those memories. It will happen when you are ready...I do believe these children come in when they want to, very little that we do impacts that. I waited until 43 for my daughter ...we're hoping to still have a family but you know how it goes at this end of the fertility wheel... we remain hopeful.
I would check in with other c-section moms to hear what they have been told...one thing I've noticed is that the advice mom's get for trying again is ALL OVER the map.... I don't think its written anywhere, each provider goes with whatever info they happen to have access to.
Please take care and stay connected to the support boards, I have found it so helpful...
But I understand how you feel. At first, I regretted having the c-secion because it seemed like everyone was TTC after about 2-3 months. I feel terrible for thinking this, but I am going to use this year of waiting to do all the things that I wouldn't have been able to do if I had a newborn (and nursing) or if I was pregnant again already. (Have a beer when I want to, go golfing again, eat deli meat and feta cheese!) I know it sounds ridiculous but I have been either pregnant or nursing since 2009 and am going to enjoy those things now.
Take this year and track your cycles so that maybe getting pregnant will be easier this time. Take a trip. Do something that you wouldn't have done otherwise. Finding ways to keep busy will also make the year go by faster than just waiting.
I hope the year flys by for both of us!