Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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still struggling-- 10 months later

whitneyk
whitneyk
Hi everyone. I haven't posted on here in a while, but I have been keeping up with everyone as best as I can.

I'm not sure what is going on with me mentally, but I am really struggling right now. It's been over 10 months since we lost Caroline, and I swear things are getting harder instead of easier. I'm pretty sure I denied my overwhelming grief at the time of her death (not intentionally, I think it was just too much for me). Then, in the immediate months to follow, I distracted myself by getting my body in shape and obsessing about getting pregnant again.

I was fortunate enough to get pregnant again in January of this year. I am currently 26 weeks along with our rainbow son. At the beginning of this pregnancy, I also buried my grief by obsessing about the health of my rainbow. Now, as Caroline's angelversary gets closer and closer, and my third trimester is closing in (we lost Caroline in the third trimester), my grief and anxiety levels are at an all time high.

I am so worried about the health of my son, while I am worried about everyone forgetting Caroline after he is born. I honestly can't even envision bringing a living baby home from the hospital anymore.

Has anyone else had this kind of "delayed" grief? Does anyone have any advice?
deleted_user
deleted_user
im still struggling 2 years later every time things get good for a while its like i start over , run into a brick wall. i know exactly how you are feeling my rainbow is now a year old. i remember feeling exactly how you do. but the pain will never go away! some days seem better but some still seem awful. i dont really have any advice but i want to let you know your not alone. Just take one day at a time
nasnye
nasnye
It has almost been 11 months since Annaya was Heaven born. I was ok... but the closer I get to her 1st Angelversary/ my 38th birthday... the more anxious I grow.

I am happy that I did not get pregnant right away because I am learning from all of you Angel/rainbow moms... I already know I'm going to be a paranoid mess.

As for forgetting Caroline... that will NEVER happen as long as I am alive. I hold the memory of so many Angels in my heart.

Hugs!!!
N.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I read your journal earlier and wanted to comment. I feel so similar to you. I haven't connected much with my rainbow because I'm so afraid of "dishonoring" Adelyn. I just miss her more and more each day, if that's possible. I do think that I dealt with my grief in the beginning - I talked and talked and blogged and wrote. But since I got pregnant again, I pushed it off for awhile, but the closer I get to this baby being born, the more it is hitting me. I am also so worried about people forgetting Adelyn and thinking I am "healed" just because we have another baby.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow. Im feel the same exact way. This is actually the reason i loged on. I lost my son oct 8th of last year. I cried and cried and didnt get out of bed. Then it started to hurt to cry and i stopped. I acted strong. I convinced myself to trust that this is GOD's plan and the except it. I lost my son at 25 weeks. Im now 29 with out rainbow daughter (who i love passionately). as i get farther along with this pregnancy i started feel guilt and my grief has come back full force. I dont even like being alone anymore because i will just start crying.
I never stopped missing him or loving him. I just convinced myself i was farther along in my greiving than i was. I feel as if i jumped into a frozen lake but instead of ice it has grief.
deleted_user
deleted_user
One thing we can all be sure of - there is always enough love in a mother's heart, no matter how many children she has. You are Caroline's mother and you will never forget her, even when your son arrives. You cannot help worrying about your son's health, that is natural. It seems everything is closing in on you in this third trimester. Delayed grief is not uncommon. I delayed mine for 32 years and that was not good. I suggest that if you don't feel you are handling things well, you could try seeing a counsellor to explore your delayed grief. I wish you well with your rainbow baby.
Junesmommy
Junesmommy
I completely understand. God, do I understand. As time passes the sympathy well dries up and everyone sees me pregnant again and breathes a huge sigh of relief. In the meantime, my fears heighten and my desperate attempts to keep June's memory alive get more and more difficult. I feel like she is ancient history for most people.

People assume because you're pregnant again you're no longer greiving so they don't have to "feel sorry" for you anymore. I find it more and more difficult to bring up June in conversation. As if being pregnant has taken this right from me. She was and always will be my daughter. Just as Caroline will always be your daughter.

However, I'm learning to be honest with people who ask, "How are you doing" with an excited tone to quickly tell them the truth: "We're surviving. It's very hard and despite our hopefullness for the future, we are missing June every day." The smiles quickly vanish from peoples' faces, but it's the truth. I'm tired of lying to protect other people from my grief. They can feel what they want about it, but I'm not going to stop missing my daughter just because I'm pregnant again.

Hugs to you,
Kelsey
whitneyk
whitneyk
Thank you everyone for your help. It makes me feel so much better, half the time I think I must be going crazy.
Laurengracesmom
Laurengracesmom
You are definitely the norm not the exception. Don't feel alone. Tomorrow has been 6 months sine we lost our Lauren and it is so hard still people want you to put on a smile so they feel better. I think that the things that helped me the most have been the grief counselor, support group even if my husband doesnt go, reading good books ( latest when bad things happen to good people), DS, meditation, and family We are just now going ttc end of this month. It is scary and I can't imagine but I know that Lauren would want to have a brother or sister. We will never forget her and neither will our family. I miss her everyday of my life. Hang in there. Big hugs Lindsay
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am still struggling too. We lost our daughter in March and sometimes the days are not any easier than that first week. I don't have any amazing advice to give that will help you work through the grief you are experiencing brought on by your precious rainbow. I just want you to know that we are all still struggling to some extent and you are loved here in a way that is so important to making it through this time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
We are coming upon Natalees first angelversary in August, and also TTC. I know exactly how you feel. I too think that I busied myself with odd things to try and occupy my mind. As time gets closer, I find all of these emotions and feelings working their way back to the surface. I am a wreck all over again. My DH is NOT understanding any of this, so that makes it even worse. I have a friend from church who is working on 11 years, and she told me the first angelversary was the absolute worst for her. I wish I had some advice for you, but I have just decided to deal with my feelings and emotions as they come.
You will always be Carolines Mom, no matter how many children you have. She will always hold a very special pace in your family and your heart. HUGS