This is a post you may or may not want to hear, but it's my response to your questions. Maybe it's not pretty, but it's the truth. At least for me.

You ask will it ever go away. No, it never goes away. There are people who will say things like, "Time heals all things." They are liars. That or they have never lost a child. Time doesn't heal you. The hole in your heart for Matthew will never "go away." Time will help you learn to cope. Time will help you learn to function eventually. Time will even do a figurative heart bi-pass so you may be able to function what appears to be normal on the outside to other people. You will know though that you are NOT "normal." You are not one of them, and you can never be one of them again. This is one of those times you cannot go backwards. Your heart is damaged, and the damage will always be there even when you learn to work around it and begin to function again.

You may not always be terrified of your thoughts though. At some point, some people find solace in their thoughts. There are times I have let myself actually sit and write out chapters of what my life should be - with my girls ages 2 and 3 now arguing over toys, with me being frustrated over them learning to share (or not sharing), potty training, etc. Sometimes I even skip around on ages and I picture them as typical teenagers arguing with me or each other. For me sometimes it helps to have that outlet and to imagine what they would be like. For others, it's unbearable and impossible. There was a long time that me being alone with my thoughts was pure hell. There was a time that I was so full of anger, it was almost dangerous for me to be alone with myself.

I am 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 years post loss. I still think of my girls all the time. I have pictures and scrapbooks. I have a memory shelf. I have my memories - some of which I had to come to terms with through the years. I have everything I want and need of my girls except having them here alive. I also go periods without thinking of them at all. Sometimes I can have a whole conversation and not think of them or mention them. Sometimes I can do a craft like make a rug for my older daughter, and I won't think of them. Sometimes I can have spiritual rituals or cook dinner or something without thinking of them. My thoughts are not always of my girls anymore. That's not to say I ever forget them because I don't. They are always there in my mind and in my heart somewhere, even if not at the forefront all the time.

And as far as your question about what if you get pregnant again... Well, you have a very stressful pregnancy ahead of you. You are constantly worried and flipped out about the baby. You have an almost unreasonable fear that the baby is dead -- all the time. Most people that I know turn out to be okay, and most I know who have had rainbow pregnancies have brought home healthy babies. I did not. My rainbow came home in an urn as well. But assuming you are one who brings home a healthy baby, it's a whole new set of things to deal with at that point. Your history of loss doesn't just go away when you bring home a baby. Not only do you have the normal post-pregnancy and new-mommy hormones and lack of sleep, you bring your fears with you. Even when your baby sleeps, you don't sleep because you're terrified that they're not going to wake up. When your baby sleeps in for the first time, you almost die of a heart attack because you woke up, it's daylight, and the baby isn't awake. He must be dead. You will find yourself constantly going to check on him and panicking over the smallest of things. Shh. Is he really breathing? He's not cold is he?

I'm not saying anything to be mean or discouraging. This is all from experience. Often after a loss like ours, people find themselves jumping into rainbow pregnancies without realizing how different they are or taking time to process what they need to. I am guilty of this.

The moment Matthew's heart stopped, your life changed forever. Whether you go on to have more children or not, you are a different person. It will take time to adjust to who you have become, and you may or may not like who you become. You have to be easy on yourself though and take small steps. Don't force anything on yourself that you're not ready for whether it's another pregnancy or quiet time with yourself.

With all that said, you're not going straight down into a hole, rather you're walking through a deep tunnel that will come out at some point. You will be a different person for having to walk through the tunnel, but you will be a survivor. At some point you will be confident enough in yourself to answer new angel moms and tell about your experiences without crying your eyes out with every post. It will never go away, but it will get better. Hang in there.

Thank you so much for your honesty. No one knows what it's like and people can only say "i don't know how you do it". I want to scream Im not doing anything, I'm drowning here, but I just smile. Your words mean more than you know!

"No one knows what it's like and people can only say "i don't know how you do it". I want to scream Im not doing anything, I'm drowning here, but I just smile."

I understand this very much. My first year was full of desiring a rainbow and being part of "the rest of the group" of angel moms. I fit in pretty well. I had friends who seemed to understand my feelings and my needs. I was comforted that I wasn't alone. Even in my rainbow pregnancy, I had support and friends. Things changed after I lost her, but that's another story.

Unfortunately, even with the support of friends, I felt like I was drowning as well. I was in a deep hole and hadn't yet learned that it was really just a tunnel with another side I could come out someday. It sure felt like I was falling down a deep hole.

People have made a lot of comments through the years, especially those who haven't been here. "You're the strongest person I know" and "I don't know how you do it" are definitely some of them. I just think, "Yeah right. If you only knew..." I'm not strong inside. I may look it. I may have gone through hell and back. I may have transformed into someone else. Maybe I've hardened a bit. But I'm not all that strong, and like you, I didn't do anything. It happened to me just like it happened to you and most everyone else here. I didn't choose it. I didn't say, "Hey, maybe this would make me a strong person" or "I think I can handle losing a baby or two - let's try!"

People often get the wrong idea, and they don't understand what we have hidden deep down inside. I have a dirty secret. A deep, dark, dirty secret. It's one I don't share with just everyone (though sometimes I do find comfort in sharing with a stranger). They see us on the outside, and they see a person who is going through the motions and looks "normal." They have no idea how broken we are inside. Even those who know about our "dirty little secrets" don't have any idea what it really looks like inside.

I too have two older children. I lost my baby girl over the christmas break so when they went back to school and my mom left I was terrified to be alone. I wasn't sure why, but I was. It scared me so much to think I was going to have to have such long periods of time where it was just me and my thoughts and like you say, the "what ifs" , "why nots" and plain old "why".
I can't say when I finally was comfortable again but I was. Looking back I feel it was a good time for me to be almost "forced" to think , ponder and sometimes have little arguments with myself. The whole situation was out of my control! Everyone told me that but I did not believe it truly. I came to a place when I did.
I would find myself sitting in the quiet of my home and slowly feel "better". Sometimes we are forced to do the best thing for ourselves when we don't realize it.
I have to say I am proud of how I handled those first two months of freshness of the grief. I let myself feel, I let myself be alone. I let myself start to heal. Don't get me wrong.... I miss my Nola Pearl every moment and I always will.
Peace to you

In talking to a friend this weekend she told me something that has really hit home.....the devil puts question marks where God is putting periods. For me I have always felt that Matthew was taken from me to spare him some sort of pain in his life. The questions of what if are simply the devil attempting to break me and break my faith that I will one day hold my son again. While it hasn't stopped a few tears here and there it is a statement I will hold dear to my heart and hope spreads like wild fire. I know I cannot allow my life to be defined by my loss. I would much rather be defined by all that I do have.

Good point. As hard as it has been I have tried to take the good out of losing my baby girl. It has brought more compassion to my life for others and situations. It's given me more patience with many , many things. It has shown me I am much stronger than I realized.
I too have comfort in knowing that my baby girl will never feel the pain of this world .. .Never have to struggle... Never have to be hurt. That is a great comfort!

The quiet time is the most difficult for me as well. My grief therapist and I have spent much time talking about dealing with that time when you are alone with your thoughts. She has encouraged me to face the thoughts and allow myself to feel whatever emotions come forth. I was always fearful that if I let myself go with my feelings that I would be stuck and not get past it. If found that the more I tried to block those feelings and repress them, the worse I felt. Allow yourself to have your grief bursts and you will find that they become less frequent, or at least it has been that way for me so far. There is just no easy way around dealing with those vulnerable times, but it will get better.

I'm so sorry that you joined this group. My daughter's angelversary was yesterday - she would have been 4 years old. The grief that you're feeling right now is so new. No, it never goes away exactly. But, it does become more of just a part of who you are. I remember in the beginning, Emily consumed every thought, every minute, every day. I remember how it felt, how much it hurt to just breathe, to relive everything, to do the "what if's" over, and over, and over. I was on DS constantly, hours every day, hanging on for dear life, connecting with other moms who knew what this felt like, and grieving. For me, even though I knew the reality of her death, it took me a good 6-7 months before I really, really came to terms with knowing that it really did happen, she wasn't going to come back, and I could do nothing to change it. Until then, it kind of felt like a dream, that I could wake up from and know what to do differently. Slowly, it does get a little easier, even though that's not the right word, because it's never easy that your child died. I guess I mean easier to get through the day. I still think about her all the time, many times every day, but the hurt isn't as sharp anymore. I can say her name without crying, I can talk about what happened, I can smile remembering good things about being pregnant with her. Her death doesn't overwhelm me all the time now, but on some days, it still does. I haven't moved on, but I've moved forward. I don't come on this site much anymore, because I don't need it as much as I did then, but I do like to check in periodically. I have a 2 year old rainbow daughter who's brought light back into my world. I am happy again, and I never believed that would be true 4 years ago. I miss her so, so much, and would do anything to have her back here with me. Hugs to you as you're just starting on this journey. Message me if you need someone to talk to. ~Angela

Thank you ALL for your support and kind words. I have learned so much in just these few days of being on DS. I feel almost normal knowing I'm not alone. While I would never wish my experience of loosing my child on anyone I find comfort in knowing others have walked before and can relate to my feelings, fears and hopes. Today was a good day and I was able to discuss my pregnancy with Matthew with a friend without tears and even one smile. While I don't think we will be trying for a rainbow baby we are planning on continue to be grateful for what we do have in our other children, holding them tighter than ever and showing them more grace and patience. I love everyone's insight, perspective and experience even though it is laced with pain and hurt. Thank you all!

Unfortunately i too recently lost my baby in august at 40 wks pregnant similar situation ultrasound on a tuesday all was fine set date for c-section and next day at regular prenatal appt my dr said sorry theres no longer a heartbeat. Inside my heart died with my son everyday is so hard to be "normal" but i have two boys who still need their mom and if i didnt have them im unsure of wat would have became of me. Im glad to have found other peoples stories are so similar to mine its comforting even from strangers especially when anger and grief have overcome my life.

I'm so sorry to all of you. I lost a baby in 2000. Yes, 14 years ago on the 21st. Reading these posts I can relate to how I felt back then when my pain was so raw. My heart aches again just reading of how others are "freshly" experiencing this. Someone was right in saying that it doesn't go away. I will never forget and I hold my son in my heart to this day. I can still tear up at times when I think about him or if someone asks about him. The pain is not heavy like it once was, though. It took me a long time. Slowly, though, the sun came out again and I was able to get through every day with new hope.

Yes, bedtime used to be the worst. You are alone with your thoughts. I used to cry at night. When I couldn't sleep I would go into the baby room and take his stuffed animal and rock it just so I could be "holding" something, because my arms just ached. I would think about what I could've done differently so that maybe he wouldn't have died. I blamed myself for his death for a long time and just wanted someone to take the pain from me.

Just know that you definitely are not alone. But also know that you will get through this one day at a time. No, it doesn't go away, but the pain of it all does lessen and it will get easier for you to deal with in time.