I think you are making the right decision & that is so awesome that your sister is being so understanding. I wasn't the nicest person in the few months following my daughter's death, so I probably would have told my mom to shove it! But the right thing to do would probably be to try talking to your mother calmly & ask her how she would feel if she had just lost you right before a wedding or ask your sister to have a talk with her.

You'll be asked that question or a similar question for a while. It'll make it easier if you prepare a response, perhaps a couple of different ones in case you feel more comfortable with less or more information depending upon who asked you the question.

So sorry that you are going through this, ((HUGS))

I am sorry that you are going thru this. I can totally understand how you cannot be a formal part of a celebration after your great loss. No, you are not being selfish. I would think just going to the wedding would be enough for you to cope with, even if most of your family is supportive. Please don't let anyone tell you how to grieve, or where or for how long. And if pretending to smile is too hard, maybe you can slip away during the reception.

My apologies for my post above. Apparently I replied to the wrong topic as my post seems out of place here. Not sure what happened.

michaelamommy, have a heart to heart discussion with your mom. Tell her not to talk until you are done speaking your mind. Show her your tears, the incredible pain you are in. She probably has never lost a child and can't comprehend what you are going through. Educate her, show her discussions post, blogs, etc... Make her listen, and if she doesn't try to separate yourself just a tad.

That's my two cents.

Thanks for the advice. I haven't heard from my sister in like a month, I think since she's so excited she's afraid to show her happiness around me. I wish I could share this time with her like I had thought I would, but God had other plans. I'm getting very anxious as the day nears, there will be about 200 guests and i know someone will ask me something about the baby.

I'm going to offer just a different bit of advice.

First, I think it's good you asked us, people who unfortunately understand your pain, but keep that in mind - we are likely to think the same way as you and offer you similar advice based on how you (we) are feeling.

Becuase I completely understand feeling anxiety in public and I'm the exact same way, but I also understand that it is a wedding - this is something that happens just once (hopefully), and regardless of how tragic your story is, this is an important event for your sister. What's even more special - she asked you to be her matron of honor. I don't know your sister, but I'm guessing that up to know this will be the most important day of her life (or close to it) and she wants you to be there standing by her side. What an honor!


So maybe you do just that - stand by her for the ceremony. And then ditch out on the reception. That's when all the socializing is anyway. I know it will be hard to be up there in front thinking "what are all these poeple thinking about?" or "I wonder what they think of me" BUT keep in mind that everyone is there for your sister - they will be focused on her and her groom, and the dress, and the flowers, etc. You don't really have to talk to anyone during that time either - find a place you can be by yourself getting ready, and then just be by her for the ceremony, a few pictures, and then you are done.

Again - just a thought - I know it's a painfully hard choice to make and I'm so glad you have a wonderful and understanding sister. And if she is ok with it, then that is what matters - not your mom (as much as their opinions do matter to us).

Best of luck!

Weddings are a trigger for me. Mostly the reception though, with the mother-son dancing and the slide shows. For some reason, I can't seem to make it through a reception- I leave and cry and then hide out.

That first wedding I attended, 5 months after my son died at 39 weeks, was pretty awful. I still had baby weight and was so self-conscious. I ended up crying so hard at the reception, my contacts dried up and I couldn't see. I was hiding in the courtyard, and the bride came by when I was being comforted by some friends, and I was horribly embarrassed- all red-eyed and snotty and practically blind. But I am still glad I went.

I think it might be possible to stand beside your sister at the wedding to support her in her joy. It might be sad and hard, but sometimes sad and hard are OK. (Especially if she has been there for you in your grief- you can try to be there for her in her joy). I agree with CH2810's comment that you could duck out after the ceremony, or do whatever you need to do after.

Just remind her (and yourself) that you want the day to be about her, not about you- whether you choose to stand or to lay low. (And don't wear contacts- they dry out when you cry!)

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am going through the same situation. My little sister is getting married the day after my twins would have been due, and i am supposed to be the MoH as well. When we lost the twins on the 20th of May this year she was here to support me, she did so much for me. So I have decided that I must be her MoH to support her. It's a tough decision to make but you should do what ever you feel is right for you. It will be so hard for me to not break down but I hope I will be able to hold it together for her. I hope you can find the right choice for you and no matter what your family should support your decision. Good luck and take care of yourself, you won't be any good to anyone if you don't first find your new normal. Sending hugs your way.

Thanks you all, all this advice is great and it has me thinking, but I've made my decision and I won't be thematron of honor. My mom finallly let up about it. This is the most important day of my sister's life which is why I'd rather not be standing next to her at the ceremony and have everyone looking at me, murmuring, and thinking about what happened to me saying "That poor girl." Yeah my family likes to gossip alot. I want her to be the center of attention on her day.