Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
This post is just a need to vent about a bad day.
We lost Emily on Feb 23rd, 2011... by all accounts I have been relatively well. We have a 2 year old, so I have done my best to keep life normal for her. And by keeping it normal, I have gotten back into my daily routines-- back to work about 3 weeks after it happened, finishing up my master's and wrapping up the school year and doing a good job at all of it (I know, some humble pie would be good, right?). I have held it together...I haven't been ignoring the fact that I lost my daughter. I talk about her all the time and think about her all the time. I have grieved, I am still grieving. But, today, for the first time in a long time I just lost it... for no apparent reason.
I am a teacher, and I teach on a team. My team member always look to me for all the decisions, and I am always the one thrust into control. Most of it is my fault, I have a type A personality and thrive off of organizing things. Today, though it was getting to be too much. We were administering final exams and nothing was really going right--the math teacher didn't have his materials ready, the biology teacher asked me to do a million things to do to administer the test. The kids we had this year were HORRIBLE, I have never had kids like this before. If I never see them again, it will be too soon. They are ninth graders, they don't listen to directions and just have no respect for other or authority...we had 60 kids in a room taking a test and once most of them had completed it was tough trying to keep them quiet, and we got attitude everytime we re-redirected them.
So... it was a stressful day. I took some walks around the building to cool myself off and was feeling OK when lunch came. I was stressed, but nothing big. After lunch we had a meeting, where we got our assignment for next year. My assignment was changed, but I was happy about it. And I was fine through the meeting. Once I walked out of the meeting I just felt my heart pounding, and I couldn't breathe and my eyes were welling up... I packed up my stuff and got out of there. I managed to hold myself together til I got to my car and then lost it. I sobbed the whole way home, sobbed for about an hour when I got home, then composed myself enough to go pick up my daughter.
I think there might be a couple things that set me over the edge 1) my due date is rapidly approaching, June 28th 2) there are about 6 people aournd me (in school) who are due within the next 3 weeks... and one had a baby shower at school today, which I was not invited to...even though we both went to the same fertility doctors and have talked on occasion about it. 3) (I think this is what did it) There is a gift bag in my classroom that has an outfit that I was given by a close friend/fellow teacher when we found out we were having a girl. I haven't touched it or moved it since I went back to work. Now it is time to clean up my classroom and I don't know what I want to do with it. Another colleague is having a girl next week, and I considered giving it to him but then I thought "NO! This is Emily's I can't just give it away!" But at the same time I can't bring myself to bring it home.
I know there was alot of jumping around in this post, and some it may not even make sense but I just needed to write-- I needed to tell someone, who understood what I was going through, about this.
I just want to feel normal again, I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't want to be afraid that this will happen to me again. Overall, I just want my baby girl-- I know I can't have her, but some serenity would be nice....
We lost Emily on Feb 23rd, 2011... by all accounts I have been relatively well. We have a 2 year old, so I have done my best to keep life normal for her. And by keeping it normal, I have gotten back into my daily routines-- back to work about 3 weeks after it happened, finishing up my master's and wrapping up the school year and doing a good job at all of it (I know, some humble pie would be good, right?). I have held it together...I haven't been ignoring the fact that I lost my daughter. I talk about her all the time and think about her all the time. I have grieved, I am still grieving. But, today, for the first time in a long time I just lost it... for no apparent reason.
I am a teacher, and I teach on a team. My team member always look to me for all the decisions, and I am always the one thrust into control. Most of it is my fault, I have a type A personality and thrive off of organizing things. Today, though it was getting to be too much. We were administering final exams and nothing was really going right--the math teacher didn't have his materials ready, the biology teacher asked me to do a million things to do to administer the test. The kids we had this year were HORRIBLE, I have never had kids like this before. If I never see them again, it will be too soon. They are ninth graders, they don't listen to directions and just have no respect for other or authority...we had 60 kids in a room taking a test and once most of them had completed it was tough trying to keep them quiet, and we got attitude everytime we re-redirected them.
So... it was a stressful day. I took some walks around the building to cool myself off and was feeling OK when lunch came. I was stressed, but nothing big. After lunch we had a meeting, where we got our assignment for next year. My assignment was changed, but I was happy about it. And I was fine through the meeting. Once I walked out of the meeting I just felt my heart pounding, and I couldn't breathe and my eyes were welling up... I packed up my stuff and got out of there. I managed to hold myself together til I got to my car and then lost it. I sobbed the whole way home, sobbed for about an hour when I got home, then composed myself enough to go pick up my daughter.
I think there might be a couple things that set me over the edge 1) my due date is rapidly approaching, June 28th 2) there are about 6 people aournd me (in school) who are due within the next 3 weeks... and one had a baby shower at school today, which I was not invited to...even though we both went to the same fertility doctors and have talked on occasion about it. 3) (I think this is what did it) There is a gift bag in my classroom that has an outfit that I was given by a close friend/fellow teacher when we found out we were having a girl. I haven't touched it or moved it since I went back to work. Now it is time to clean up my classroom and I don't know what I want to do with it. Another colleague is having a girl next week, and I considered giving it to him but then I thought "NO! This is Emily's I can't just give it away!" But at the same time I can't bring myself to bring it home.
I know there was alot of jumping around in this post, and some it may not even make sense but I just needed to write-- I needed to tell someone, who understood what I was going through, about this.
I just want to feel normal again, I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't want to be afraid that this will happen to me again. Overall, I just want my baby girl-- I know I can't have her, but some serenity would be nice....
I have talked to other women who had stillborns 15+ years ago, and they said the pain never goes away. I, like you, want to be strong and never be sad about it anymore. Unfortunately, the reality is, it would be abnormal to get over the loss of the daughter you carried inside you. I have had to learn the hard way that being sad is honoring my son and how much the pregnancy meant to me.
Just hang in there, and be the best mother you can be everyday. One day you will see Emily again, and it will be amazing.
Do you have a memory box for Emily? Maybe you could put the gift in that. I have the only onesie I bought for my son in his memory box. I actually have a few gifts I received in a cedar chest for our son to pass down to a sibling, hopefully.
I also had outfits. A teacher I'm close with bought a little boy and little girl outfit when we found out we were having a son and daughter. After the munchkins were Heaven born, my mom thanked her and very kindly returned the present to her explaining that I couldn't keep it but didn't want to give it away. My friend completely understood. Perhaps this is an option for you.
As teachers, I think we often feel the need to be strong since it is our job to keep control in front of kids. But, you need to do what's right for you and having a good cry is sometimes what you need.
im right there with you. i lost mine at 35 weeks, her due date was the 2nd june, so just past that mile stone. i have a nearly 3 year old son who has been my strength and kept me going.
its weird going back to day to day life, where everyone around us is carrying on as normal. i have found out who my true friends are recently.
i seem to get through the week somehow, but then the littlest thing will set me of, especially if im in a situation where i have to be 'normal'.
certain mums in the village know what i have just been through, but choose to blank me when im out, as it is such a taboo subject. even some of my old friends are choosing to stay well clear. Grief is such an isolating experience, I have 3 friends who have just had babies in the last 3 weeks, all i want to do is go and meet them, but due to recent events, again, i have been given a wide berth.
Thank goodness we have all found each other, where we can talk freely, and totally understand each others loss. Its ok to feel sad, and cry and break down, and the best thing i have found is to just let it all out. I miss my baby girl so much, but am also so proud of her pretty little face and features. i find great comfort in sitting with her memory box and looking at all the precious pictures i have of her.
Big hugs to you, any time you want to chat.
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