My baby shower was supposed to be a day of celebration. It was supposed to be a time when we welcomed future memories to be made looking and cooing over the gifts and all the things that we would do with him. I knew that he would be very difficult so I planned a party on the day to celebrate his life just the same.

When I was in the hospital I got a memory box. There were small Hand made cloth diapers, blankets, hats, and other items it. It was a wonderful gift. The thing that I love most about it was simple yet perfect. It was a receiving blanket cut into two and then tied back together with ribbon. The note explained that you wrap your baby in it and when the time comes untie the ribbons and leave half with your baby and take half with you. The concept was so simple yet it was so wonderful. I treasured that blanket and it was something that I really clung to. Having that to make memories with and a way to feel a connection to your child is priceless. So I contacted the person who made them. Her niece was a stillborn and she made the blankets in her memory. She told me how to make them and instead of having a baby shower I had a blanket making party in my sons honor. We were able to make 121 blankets that will be donated to hospitals throughout the area in his memory.

The amount of support that I received was overwhelming - people mailing me a blankets because they couldn't come, people giving money to support me, and people bringing blankets and supplies in the door when they came. I myself only bought 44 of those blankets the rest were all donated. We spent about six hours making the blankets. It was an amazing time and I was so grateful for having everyone there to support me. It felt so good to do something in his memory for others. They say each hospital needs about 15 a year so I know there will be enough for many hospitals and that hopefully no parent has to leave the hospital without something to remember their child by. I also know his memory will live on for quite some time through the blankets.

I then post the pictures to Facebook and I explained why I had the party and how even though it seems awkward to talk about a dead baby our biggest fear is that they will be forgotten and nobody will talk about them. I don't think people really understand that because no one knows how to approach the subject. So I used it as a way to explain my feelings, and I can only hope help people understand how I feel- and how I think many of us feel. Of course you don't want someone asking you how you feel when you're at work but in general, you don't want people to avoid talking about your baby ever. You want people to remember them and you want them to feel part of the family, not some banished stepchild that no one talks about.

So my next step is to think of what I will do on the day he should have been born. I know that's the next date I need to prepare myself for. The entire week leading up to the party I was a hot mess. I kept crying and crying and crying at night because while l wanted to have the party in his honor that wasn't what was supposed to be happening. It's mourning the loss of the memories I was robbed of while trying to celebrate the memories I'm making in his honor. I can only hope that the love I have for him in the love so many showed for him can reach other parents and give them some comfort in their time of need in his memory.