Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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huntersma 02/02/2012

This morning my husband said to me "You are just not the same person"...I felt like screaming.."You finally get it." No I am not the same person I was before the loss of Hunter and never will be the person I was before. I am forever changed...I am now a mom to an angel. I am a person who is sick of hearing from others that have no experience with this loss or pain.."Life goes on" "God has a plan" "God never gives you more than you can handle" "There is a reason this happened, however WE may never know the answer"...WE...Who is the WE...Are you talking about my husband and I or our you including yourself in WE..Because you have no place in our WE if you have not gone through this horrific experience. Are you kidding me? Just say "you know what it sucks, is horribly unfair, and I am sorry for your loss" Now "WE" are getting somewhere. Everytime someone says something stupid I feel like I change just a little more and am just a little more consumed with anger. Have these people ever had to be concerned with making sure that you buy burial plots because the cemetery is having a Feb special and you are scared that someone your son doesn't know will be laid to rest next to him and not you. Well, me and my husband are going to purchase burial plots this weekend to make sure we are laid to rest next to our son and not someone else. Have they had to think about what to put on their child's headstone? Yes.."Not the same person" I suppose that sums it up! I think I am making another trip around the circular stages of grief..Back to anger! Yes, I am angry this happened to us(Us..My husband and I and all the other wonderful women and men that have to be part of this support group to function with getting through the day!!People need to understand that we didn't choose things to be this way!) Wouldn't wish this pain on anyone..No one should have to endure this! Today I am wishing for all of you a day where someone doesn't say something stupid that changes you a little more! I wish for you all a moment of peace and nothing but gentleness! Great big hugs!

deleted_user 02/02/2012

I made the mistake of posting on facebook again...& it was basically what you said. I hate the phrases "everything happens for a reason" and "God only gives us what we can handle" to name a few & on facebook I stated that the next person that says any of the above to me...I'm gonna knock em out! I mean really THINK about it!!!!!!!! How bout DON'T say anything....one of my friends just hugged me & she said..."i'm not gonna say anthing because there are no words!" THAT IS MORE LIKE IT.

I am not the same person that is for sure. All of us on this site had our worlds turned upside down. I am at the angry stage for sure...actually I'm super mad...more mad now than I ever have been. Doug keeps saying "I want the old Kelley back" honestly she is long gone, I see everything differently.

I sure hope we (all the angel parents) eventually find peace. The people that are saying such stupid things (VERY stupid to all of us) i'm sure they do not mean to hurt us but I really wish they thought about what they were saying before it is actually said!!!!!!

Big hugs to you!
Thanks for letting me vent

eventer00 02/02/2012

If I hear someone say, "Everything happens for a reason," one more time, I'm going to scream!!!!! There is no reason good enough that would make me accept the fact that I don't have my son. That's completely ridiculous and people just say it to make themselves feel better. If that were true, then that means we have no free will and our lives are already decided for us. So what's the point of living?!

And of course we are not the same people. A big piece of us has been taken and we'll never get it back. We can still be happy, but not as the people we were before. We are carrying a heavy burden with us and it will be there forever.

I'm reading the book "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People". It puts things into a different perspective and addresses why people say the things they do.

I am still angry too but I am able to find moments of peace. I hope you can find some too. ((Lots of Hugs))

deleted_user 02/03/2012

I am so with you and I thank you for your wish...peace and gentleness...I hope you find that today too. I sometimes want to scream at people, "I brought my baby home in a box!!! Don't you get that???"

angelcarter 02/03/2012

i agree! i know that i will never be the same, how could i, i lost my child.
my mother said to me i know loss, i know how you are feeling, i lost my father...i had a freak out and said "YOU HAD 33 YEARS WITH HIM AND ALL THOSE MEMORIES OF HIM, I NEVER EVEN GOT TO SEE MY SON OPEN HIS EYES!!!!"
i cant stand when people try to relate who have not gone through it, it drives me CRAZY!!!
sorry for that ....
big hugs to all of you who truly understand

deleted_user 02/03/2012

I just wanted to offer you a hug mama. No one understands unless they've been there, and most of them haven't been there. Why is it God's plan, how could he possibly be in a better place than in YOUR arms, what was the reason this happened. It makes me physically ill when someone says this to me. If it were them going through it, they wouldn't feel this way. (((HUGS))))

huntersma 02/03/2012

Thank you for the hugs! Hugs back to you all! I am so sorry we have to endure this personal hell. Commenting on AngelCarter's post-I am so sorry that you heard this from your mom. From personal experience she can not possibly know what you are going through and I can tell you the loss of a parent and the loss of a child are not even in the same ballpark. I can say this because I have experienced both the loss of my ma and the loss of Hunter. Don't get me wrong I miss my ma everyday especially in the circumstances of the loss of Hunter..There is nothing more that I would love right now but to be held by my ma, cry, and know that she will protect me through this loss..However, I do know that the loss of my mother and the child that grew inside of me for 24 wks are not even similiar! When you lose a child you lose a part of yourself! You lose a part of your future and not your past. There is NO comparision to the loss of the child. Again it is a pain I would not wish upon my worst enemy. Those who have never experienced just can not possibly understand and NO the phrase "God only gives us as much as we can handle" does not apply..Sometimes he gives us much more than we can handle, however somehow we find a way to endure the hell we have been handed! For this I am grateful, however I continue to move through this horrifying experience no more than one day at a time.

eventer00 02/03/2012

You are so right about when people say, "God only gives you as much as you can handle". How can that be true? If that were true, people wouldn't turn to alcohol and drugs or commit suicide. So that doesn't apply either!

4 days after I lost Junior, my husband lost his 30 year old cousin. When I walked to the funeral home I saw a collage of pictures. As sad as that was, I thought to myself, at least they have 30 years of memories and happy pictures to look at. All I have are dreams of what could of been and sad pictures of my son who never opened his eyes.

People who don't understand, should just say that they are so sorry and that is all. We don't need an explanation because there will never be one that is good enough.

nasnye 02/04/2012

I've heard so many things that people who think they are helping say that actually either totally upset me or piss me off which causes me to cut people off.

I've learned that people don't really know what to say when it comes to our losses. So, their ignorance is not intentional... they just need to be educated and that is where we come in.

I was told that I was being punished by God through my children. Yeah right!!! That's when I realized that people were crazy and that what I felt was normal.

Many Hugs!!!
Nneka

nasnye 02/04/2012

One more thing...

One of the angel Moms here said "After losing a child you can not move on, you simply move differently" Becca Abreau...

Many Hugs!!!

nasnye 02/04/2012

JUST SAY "I'M SORRY"
You don't know how I feel
Please don't tell me that you do.
There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too?
"You'll have another child!"--must I hear this each day?
Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away?
Don't say it was "God's will"--
That's not the God I know,
Would God on purpose break my heart,
Then watch as my tears flow?
"Aren't you better yet?"
Is that what I heard you say?
NO! A part of my heart aches--
I'll always feel some pain.
You think that silence is kind,
But it hurts me even more.
I want to talk about my child
Who has gone through death's door.
Don't say these things to me,
Although you do mean well.
They do not take away the pain away;
I must go through this hell.
I will be better--slow but sure--
And it helps to have you near.
But a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child"
is all I need to hear.

~Author Unknown

huntersma 02/07/2012

Amen..To that poem! Sums it up perfect!

deleted_user 02/08/2012

aarg people are such idiots.
No i am not the same person - the old me was easy going and confident, was a social butterfly and loved being surrounded by people. The new me is scared to walk out the door, has panic attacks and weeps for no reason.
The last time some one said - everything happens for a reason i was real really rude - oh so that reason must be to watch me break, or maybe to destroy my self confidence, or maybe just to f** with my mind - absolutely great reasons as nothing good comes of this!
It is not ok - we will enver be ok - we will always have this broken part inside of us, but we will learn to hide it from the rest of the world more and more each day... its all we can do!

deleted_user 02/08/2012

In my case I don't think I will ever be the same person again. I think part of me died with my child that morning. That's the only way I can put it.

IsaiahandAaronsMama 02/08/2012

I got really tired of hearing that stuff too. The most comforting thing that was said to me was by my pastor who came in while I was spending time with my baby and she said, "Don't look at this little body as Aaron. Death didn't win here, death didn't get your baby. Aaron is very much alive in Heaven, and now he's waiting on you to get there and you get eternity with him. And once you get there, this life here will seem like the blink of an eye." It gave me hope. I wasn't thinking about him being in Heaven, I was looking at his little body that had failed him here (or was it my body that failed him? I don't know, the cause was undetermined) I got so tired of hearing that God needed him more...or wanted him more! I know God wanted him but He didn't take him from me. Why would He do that? I think the biggest thing though was Something must have been wrong with him. HOW ARE YOU GONNA SAY THAT TO ME? I'm his mama, I don't care if he had three heads I still want him and love him, no matter what. My sweet little baby.

One of the other things though that didn't upset me was a lady at church. I knew her, not very well but well enough and she came up and hugged my neck and said, "I know. Heaven has two of my babies." I looked at her and started bawling and said, "so you know." and she just nodded her head and cried with me.

*sigh* I don't know. It's been almost a year for me (on Feb 28th) and I still miss my little boy so much. People still say dumb things. Love and hugs, Jessie

deleted_user 02/08/2012

Oh my...Nneka, that post/poem is perfect! Thank you for adding!

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