Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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mothertoangeljoshua 09/15/2013

I found out I was pregnant January 12, 2013 and from that point I began reading information, saving the pregnancy tests, and doing everything I can to make sure I was healthy for my baby. I cried the first time I heard his heartbeat. I have never been so excited in my life. My pregnancy was normal until I went for a growth scan when I was 28 weeks pregnant and the next day got a phone call from my doctor saying she wanted to see me. When I went in she told me they found fluid around his lung so she referred me to a specialist. The next few weeks were full of doctors appointments. They did an amnio test that came back normal, they took the fluid out from around the babies lung, and after many ultrasounds they referred me to a pediatric cardiologist. I met with two different doctors that couldn't give us a clear diagnosis but could only tell me that something was wrong with his heart. I was referred to Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and I was 35 weeks pregnant when we had our first appointment. They did an echocardiogram to look at the baby Joshua's heart. The doctor there couldn't tell us exactly what was wrong either, but did tell us that it was either Mitral Stenosis or Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. That meant that he would definitely need heart surgery. We had our next appointment that following week to get another ultrasound and to make plans for delivery. They made plans for an induction on Sunday, September 8 but I was to come back in 2 weeks for a prenatel visit at 38 weeks. That morning, September 4, I had gone to the bathroom and after laying down I felt the baby jump. It felt different then normal, I really felt him. I didn't think anything about it and left for Philly about 2 hours later. We met with one of the midwives and after going over things about the delivery, she put me on the monitor to listen to the heartbeat. She kept moving it around my belly saying that the baby was probably really low and she wanted to do an ultrasound. I was brought into the ultrasound room where I saw my sweet baby boy on the screen. There was no movement. The ultrasound tech looked at the midwife and as she left the room to get the other doctor, I heard the words "I'm sorry". All I could do was scream "NO" over and over as I cried. I just felt him a couple hours earlier.. it didn't seem real. I think when I felt him jump, that is when it happened. The doctor came in and said that sometimes babies hearts just give out. I remember saying the week before that I knew he would make it through any surgeries, that he was strong, and I wasn't worried. I guess his heart just wasn't strong enough. Even though he had heart problems I still found ways to blame myself by thinking that I was too stressed out and it was too much for his heart, or it was because I was drinking soda since it was the end of my pregnancy. The doctors then gave me the option of going home and delivering there or I can stay in Philly and be induced. I chose to be induced there and was admitted right away. They gave me a pill to open my cervix around 11:45. They came back at 3:45 to check me and I was 2 cm dialated so she broke my water. It was a little before 7pm when the contractions were unbearable and when she checked me I was 9cm dialated and feeling the urge to push. I pushed for about a half an hour and at 7:34pm my angel Joshua Daniel was born. He weighed 6 pounds, 2 ounces and was 20 inches long. He was beautiful and I got to hold him right away. I spent the next 17 hours with him. They did a mold of his hand, did handprints, footprints, and took tons of pictures. The hospital was very great and gave us a little memory box to put everything in. Everything we got was nice but it wasn't my baby. I wanted him so bad, I wanted to wake up every 2 hours to feed him, I wanted to change dirty diapers, I wanted to hear him scream, to see his eyes, to watch him grow. I had so many plans. Instead we had to come home without him and put everything in his room away. I am so heartbroken and numb, I just don't know how to get over this. I know he is in a better place, that he might have suffered, or he might not have made it through surgery, but he was what I wanted for so long. Everything reminds me of being pregnant and that hurts just as bad because that was when I felt him. He was always so active and I LOVED feeling him move. We bonded so much and I know he is watching over us but I just want him back. We are talking about having another one in the future when we are ready.. but I feel like I would be betraying him.. I feel guilty. I know it is because I am not healed but I feel like I wouldn't love the next baby the same. Then I think it might be too stressful going through another pregnancy worrying that something is going to be wrong. I went most of this pregnancy thinking everything was fine. I read so many stories of this happening and it breaks my heart. I am so sorry for you ladies.. it is so painful. I would like to hear about how your lives are after and if you had another baby. I just need your support. Thank you for reading my story.

Christine

Mother of an Angel
Joshua Daniel
September 4, 2013

SophiasMom2010 09/16/2013

I also lost my baby girl Sophia Grace at 38 weeks. I was pregnant with my first child and the morning of my 38th week check up I noticed she wasn't moving around, but I thought she was asleep I remember the ultrasound too, and running to the hospital phone with no pants on wrapped in a sheet calling my boyfriend and hysterically crying... it was a nightmare, but you know that. I blamed myself for a long time too, sometimes late at night I still play that miserable game where I remember how I was drinking way too much coke and not eating enough, how I didn't gain enough weight and didn't keep track of my kick counts... the meds I took, the weeks I spent frantically setting up a nursery and cleaning the house during my "nesting phase". It's normal to blame yourself, but you HAVE GOT TO KEEP THAT IN CHECK and always counter act that thought with "IT WAS NOT MY FAULT, I WOULD HAVE DIED FOR MY BABY AND I DID NOT KILL THEM", because otherwise it can really tear your mind apart, I know from experience because this month on the 17th my daughter should have been 3 years old. I spent a long, long time in a dark place, as have many of the women here. My heart goes out to you honey, I know you are still probably in shock and having those phantom baby feelings and sleepless nights, but I PROMISE you that you are strong enough to survive this, Joshua will always be your son and he will always be a part of your heart, don't ever forget that you are his mommy and he is your son and that even though he passed away too early you can live your life for him. My only advice to you is to hold on tightly to the people you love, especially your significant other and CRY, don't hold that in. You have to hold on, it's going to be a rollercoaster of emotions but if you take this one day at a time there is hope. The only way I got through this was coming here to DS and just venting and telling my feelings to ppl who understood. I'm going to send a balloon up for Joshua for you on Sophia's birthday this Tuesday. **HUG** AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH I wish you didn't have to be here.

deleted_user 09/16/2013

I am so so so so so sorry for your loss. There is nothing more devastating. Your story breaks my heart. I don't need to recount mine, it's so similar; healthy pregnancy, anxiously awaiting our first, lack of movement, dreadful U/S with no heartbeat, induction, giving birth, leaving the hospital without our baby...

Next week will be 7 months since our loss, and the only hope I can give you is that time really heals. I still think about her every day and some days still cry so hard as my heart feels as broken as it did that first day, but we are better, and I guess I would say we have learned to live with this loss. You don't "get over it", you learn to live with it. That was an important lesson I learned early on. I am a much different person than I used to be. Maybe some people would say it makes them more compassionate and caring. I would say it's made me more self-assured, direct and actually a little colder. I have cut out all the people in my life who never acknowledged my loss or expressed sympathy, I don't take crap from people any more, I don't think the world is such a kind place anymore and I don't take things for granted, because I learned how precious life is. I'm not a bitch or anything, I just think I used to be a push over and think "it will never happen to me" and I am not that naive anymore... I actually like who I am better now.

We are 3 months along with our rainbow baby. This pregnancy is not the same. I am not in the innocent pregnant group anymore. I don't consider it a foregone conclusion that this baby will be born. I take one day at a time and celebrate each milestone, like the viability ultrasound and soon our 12-week ultrasound and scan. I am not busy making plans for when the baby is here... I will worry about that when he/she comes, if we are so lucky. I am grateful we got pregnant so quickly, I am already in love with this little one, but I will tell very few people about the pregnancy.

I have connected with amazing women here who have literally saved me. Unfortunately not too many people in my life were interested in talking to me a couple of weeks after the loss as they thought I should be over it and just busy planning for the next. Only women/couples who have been through this really understand how it feels, so I would encourage you to stay connected here.

If you ever want to talk over PM, feel free to reach out. I wish you so much strength to get through these first few weeks which are just so painful. I'll be thinking of you...

mothertoangeljoshua 09/16/2013

Thank you so much for your posts, it is exactly what I need to hear. The hardest parts of this is the fact that I had 4 days until my induction.. I was so close. I had so many plans for him.. We got everything we needed for him and to come home to a house full of baby things that we had to put away KILLED me! Yesterday was my due date and I just keep thinking about being pregnant and how even though we had so many doctor appointments, dealing with his heart problems, and me feeling like crap.. I loved it.. I loved feeling him move.. I loved knowing I was creating his beautiful life and for it to just end and everything be over.. to come home without my baby.. ugh the ache is terrible.. I just want him so bad. I will just sit there and cry saying over and over I want my baby back. I have been lucky to have both my family and my boyfriends family do everything they can for us and it helped a lot. My boyfriend is always there for me when I break down and I am so grateful for that.. we are there for eachother when one of us breaks down. It's terrible that this is the first time I really saw him cry.. it tears me up. But I am so glad I found this site.. I know I am not alone.. but it hurts to know that so many people have gone through this.

SophiasMom2010, thank you so much for replying and for you to do that for my Joshua is beyond amazing and is so greatly appreciated. I will be keeping you and your Sophia in my thoughts and prayers.

CKSmom, I definitely feel the same as you do about people who weren't there for you.. There were a couple of my closests friends that I have known since I was little who never even bothered to reach out to me. I now know who is true and that I don't need those other people in my life. I also thought it would never happen to me.. and I'm still in shock. I am so happy to hear you are pregnant and I will for sure be like you are when the time comes. I know it's so early to be talking about it but I want to be a mom so bad but right now I feel guilty feeling that way.. like I'm only Joshua's mom. I just can't believe this is my life now. I will definitely stay connected with you ladies.. it helps so much to talk about it.

deleted_user 09/16/2013

I am so very sorry. This is devastating To go through. I wish that all of us could be holding our babies right now :( I want you to know that even though it hasn't been a month since my precious little boy passed, we want another baby. I want him more than anything, but that's impossible. No one will ever replace the 7.5 months that I got to spend with him growing in me. I can't stand to be in this house (that we bought while I was pregnant). I have only pictured us as a family here and now it's lonely and miserable. I think it's natural and human to want a family after yours has been ripped apart. People may feel differently, but I'm sure it's people who haven't lived a day in your shoes. Surround yourself with people who will support your decisions. We are all here for you too. Xo

deleted_user 09/16/2013

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious little boy Joshua. It's a very difficult tragedy to endure and one that none of us wonderful ladies could've ever imagined as the ending to our pregnancies. You're still in the early days of grief in which you may be feeling shock, numbness and tons of guilt. Atleast I know that's how I felt. I think it's even commendable that you're able to share your story and reach out to the others so early on, as I was just into a little balled up shell for a little over a month because I was just truly crushed.

I also lost a precious boy on 6/24/13, my son Kyng. He was 29 weeks & 3 days and I was just devastated to see him not moving on the ultrasound screen. The pain stings and burns so deep at first that you literally feel like your body will rip apart. Like you, he would've been my first baby and he was so incredible loved & wanted by my husband and I.

Just go through whatever motions you need to right now. It is definitely going to be better for you in the long run. I think that it's perfectly fine if you feel like doing absolutely nothing but lying in bed all day and being away from many people. Some people tend to get right back into work and staying busy, but for me I found it was the most healing for me to just sit back and experience all the crazy and difficult emotions that comes along with this heartbreak.

Like you, I felt very guilty at the thought of even entertaining another pregnancy because I felt it would be betraying my son Kyng. I had even felt that holding or enjoying other babies/infants would be like betraying him but I'm slowly trying to get composure of all these feelings. I would actually feel very blessed and elated if I were to fall pregnant again right now because like you I desperately want a living child. I've been patiently awaiting on the arrival of a bundle of joy for the past 6 years with my husband. And truth be told another pregnancy totally freaks me out and truly will be a worrisome event in itself but I think I will just try my best to take it day by day like Ck's Mom. I will also plan to hide my pregnancy as long as possible because people's insensitive comments on other people's life and decisions can be too overbearing for me at times.

And I think it's also important to remember that you will never be the same after enduring such a loss like this and that's okay. I struggled in the beginning because I just knew that I couldn't be the same happy go-lucky, positive, giggly person that I was prior to this event and that's okay. Those true friends and family that genuinely love me will understand and will not make me feel bad about this "new normal." Ck's Mom said it best: you will NOT get over this, you will just learn coping skills of how to live with this pain each day.

And I can say that now that it will be almost 3 months since I lost my little boy and passed the dreaded due date, I do feel myself recovering a little each day. I am smiling and joking again. I have now been able to take baby steps to plan some future events (after I loss Kyng I honestly couldn't even think about planning event for a week or month ahead because it felt like anything could happen and nothing was promised). It just takes time. There will be many difficult days and moments ahead but you WILL survive this. And just know that you have support from many wonderful women on this site.
And I'm here if you need to chat/talk. Hugs dear.

mothertoangeljoshua 09/17/2013

Thank you for your posts.. I think the reason I am able to share so early is because I have been hurting for such a long time knowing my baby boy had heart problems.. I cried so much over it but had no one to talk to. When we lost him I had two families surrounding us for the first 4 days.. we had so much support and we would just sit and cry and talk and cry over n over. It helped us feel ok to come home again because at first it was too painful. Now we have set up an area in our house just for him.. we ordered a curio to put momentos in so we can see him everyday and honor his memory. I found this website so I can talk some more to ladies who relate and I have and you all have been great. From the beginning I didn't want to fall into a depression because o knew Joshua wouldnt want that. At first I didnt want to eat but I didn't want to disappoint him.. I wanted to keep myself healthy for him. He has made me a better person and I will remain strong for him but I'm still gonna break down and sob and beg for him back. I just keep telling myself that God took him before he felt pain.

deleted_user 09/25/2013

So I've been contemplating on sharing my story. As I'm sure we all did at first. I mean where do you begin a story that ends the same no matter how you put it. But after reading all of yours I just had too.

I found this a few minutes ago in my work's hard drive:
___________________________________________
Dated: 04/03/13

Dear Juliana or Joshua,

March 3rd 2013
Daddy and I made you after dinner that I cooked.

March 18th 2013
7pm I got my first positive pregnancy test.
8pm Told daddy I was pregnant with you.

April 3rd 2013
I just went to Dr Jacob and heard your heart beat for the
first time. It was 127 bpm. You made me cry as I realize
you do exist and in me for the next 8 months. You were
6 weeks and 3 days today
___________________________________________

How naive was I

Date: 09/24/13

After 12 years of not being able to conceive (due to PCOS), I stopped trying. And let God take the wheel. Soon after I met my fiance...

I explained to my fiance we might not ever have kids naturally and he said it wasn't a problem and it didn't change how he felt about me. A month later we get pregnant, 5 months before our wedding date. He says it was his special "boys" that got the job done. But I know it was God saying "He's the one don't let him get away"!!!

We find out he's a boy on June 22nd. His heartbeat is healthy and he looks great in his ultrasound. We name him Joshua Exau and expect him to arrive mid November 19th 2013.

Joshua's dad and I get married as planned on July 13th and I feel Joshua kick as I walk down the aisle towards daddy (1:45pm). I didn't feel him at all that evening or the following days and I honestly thought, he's being a good boy. I even called him my lazy boy. But on July 17th after a conflict with a co-worker I began to cry and I felt nothing. This was odd and I couldn't wait any longer to see him so I went to the hospital for an ultrasound.

The worst feeling a mother can ever feel hit me times 100 (as my husband and I find out there's no longer a heartbeat). I felt like they ripped my heart out and shoved it back in numbed. And as I write this it feels just like when it happened. And I'm coming to terms that it will never really go away (the feeling).

July 19th i got to hold my sweetheart. I'll never forget holding the most precious thing my eyes ever laid eyes on, His viewing was on the 22nd and burial on the 23rd. He is and always will be our 1st child. Even though he didn't get to laugh, play or run... I see him in every little boy I come across. I can't help and think 'would he had looked like him', 'would he had liked that'.

Then I do my best to focus on what he gave me. He made me a mommy and a very proud one too. He made sure I married daddy and left me in good hands (Literally). But over all he gave me hope that I had lost a long time ago. Joshua is not just my angel, he is and always will be my little hero. He saved me in so many ways.

I have new hopes to have more children and I will always be grateful of my son's short but powerful life. This experience makes me appreciate the life we are allowed. Which means my husband and I always seek the brighter side of things and try to live life to the fullest. Praising God and knowing that we are indeed in the right place at the right time. All thanks to Joshua :)

I'm a stronger person now. I use to let people walk all over me. But not anymore. I guess you can say I'm colder towards the world. But it's just me caring less about what I can't control and loving what I have.

Simi M

deleted_user 09/25/2013

I got home and realized I was extremely rude not saying I'm truly sorry for your lost ladies. I was a bit nervous sharing my story. Hope you can all understand.

Christine: I feel like we share a special bond... our little one's name. I'm so sorry we had to meet here. But it brings a special warmth to know our babies our in heaven and are like "that's my name".

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