I am so very sorry. You certainly are not alone. I remember just aching and wanting my baby back. Leaving him there at the hospital, and then again at the cemetery, tore at my heart in a way I can't even describe. My heart aches for you. My loss was quite some time ago, but I come in here from time to time to check up on others and to see how they're doing. Please don't hesitate to write out your feelings. All the angel mommies on here do understand. Hugs to you!

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my Evelyn at 24 weeks on October 15, 2014. We brought her ashes home in a tiny pink urn. She has her own room sitting on top of a dresser. I painted her room pink and have put up many decorations since. My husband was relieved to have brought her home too but it's a different kind of emotion for me. Every morning and every night when I greet her, I too want to hold my baby but all I can do is pick up her urn and hold it to my heart and cradle her. That's the closest I can get to holding her. I thought after 4 months it would get easier but it doesn't because I know she is there and it's an everyday reminder of what I lost. I am totally here for you. Please hang I there.

I am so very sorry for your loss. We lost our baby girl Ireland on January 21st and I can completely relate to the way you are feeling, my husband and I are both handling our grief differently and he also was relieved to have the urn home where for me it brings a whole new set of emotions, I stand in front of it and cry. I miss her so badly every moment of every day. I'm here for you, This group is made up of wonderful women who know what you are going through .

Before my daughter died at 38 weeks, I was aware that this level of excruciating pain exists in the world, and that someone can experience it and keep on breathing, day after day, month after month and year after year. I am so sorry you know it now too..we can only hope and wait for a rainbow to appear over our dark cloud.

Thank you everyone. I am so sorry for all of your losses. It is a relief knowing that I now have other women to talk to that have been through this kind of pain and loss. No one I know personally has gone through a stillbirth and it is very difficult to talk about it with people who just don't understand. They either look like they are too uncomfortable and don't want to hear it or are so afraid to say the wrong thing that they sit there quietly and awkwardly. Talking about Madeline is one of the only things that helps me get through losing her. My husband is very supportive but like every couple we grieve in different ways. I want to talk about her and he wants to do anything to take his mind off of her. It's not that he wants to forget and not think about her at all, he just gets angry because he doesn't understand why this happened.

We greive differently too and he remains supportive as well. My boyfriend feels like that too. He will listen to me when I need to talk to him about the babies, and he always suggests that I light the memory candle when I get sad because it helps him too. We do grieve differently, but he remains very supportive. I've been in a bad mood lately and lashing out a lot. He and his family are the only people I can talk out load about this to so I'm basically a wreck right now. I just want my Ava and Phoenix back. They were my beautiful babies and they aren't with me anymore. I put my hand on my stomach and they are not there anymore. It's indescribable how that feels. It makes feel so down and I'm wishing I was okay. I feel guilty still all the moments I'm happy when I know I shouldn't feel guilty for that. I am dreading Friday's counseling appointment. I'll probably have to run out the room like I did last time because I keep having so many flashbacks lately. It's like I'm loosing them all over again every day. No matter how long they last they are realistic and upset me for hours afterward. I wonder if I'll have another flashback and have gotten to the point where I worry about having the flashbacks. I take medicine for it but nothing works. I'm just so sad and empty right now even though he is super supportive and helpful to me. I'm googling similar stories online that just hurt me so bad to read and I don't know why I am. My boyfriend wants me to stop doing that, but it's hard for me for some reason. Why do I want to torture myself? It just doesn't make since and nothing I have done lately involving reacting to this loss does. I've had it so rough, and this by far isn't my first loss making it even more heartbreaking for us both. Everything is so hard right now.