I am so sorry that you have had to come to this group. I can understand the heartbreak you are going thru. I do think that talking about Madalyn Rose and your sad experience is a very important, albeit painful, part of the road to healing. Please come here often and express your feelings, what ever they may be.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet Madalyn. Please know that you are not alone here. this is the one place you can come to and seek out other women like you. Talk all you want about Madalyn Rose....

Oh dear this breaks my heart. There is no beginning and there is not end, we simply exist somewhere in between. My Evelyn passed away over 3 years ago at 32 weeks. I remember those days so clearly and still need to talk about it often. You did a good thing coming here; you need support.

What type of arrangements have you made for Madalyn? There are no words to heal right now but comfort will guide you. You are likely feeling numb and fuzzy and thats ok, in fact you will feel that way for a few months. I know its hard to make decisions right now but do your best and seek advice and support when you need it.

Evelyns funeral was so hard for me. I collapsed leaving the funeral home because I just could not believe believe what was happening.

Email or text me anytime you need.

763-516-8586
tpflipsen123@msn.com

When you are ready I will send you book you will find helpful and Giannas ribbons (my friends daughter). You just let me know where to send them.

Love,
Tammy

Thank you all for your support. After I posted on here the other day and read through different discussions, I spent the evening hiding in a closet. I felt pretty pathetic and I was such a wreck. Today though, I feel like that was the best thing for me. I haven't been able to cry or FEEL anything really since it all happened. I've been emotionally stuffing everything into a deep black hole somewhere inside of me. On the 9th of July we are having Madalyn's funeral and I know its going to be rough. I think my biggest thing right now is I feel like a crazy person. One minute I'm feeling like everything is normal and none of this ever happened. I was never pregnant. Then the next moment, I feel pain around my incision (I had a c-section with both my babies) and it all comes crashing back. The hospital took a ton of pictures for us and a professional photographer came and did pictures as a volunteer service. I can't bring myself to look at them at all. I want to, but I'm afraid that if I do I will start crying and never stop. But I can't remember what Madalyn looks like. So then I feel like a terrible mother. And why can't I stop obsessing over getting pregnant again????? I want Madalyn one moment. I want a baby the next. I don't want to be pregnant ever again another moment. Every time I explain this to people, I get told that I need to just wait and that I need to not even think about any of that right now. But I can't help it. Seriously. I. Feel. Crazy. Does it ever get better?

Dear Sweet Alexis-

My heart aches for you and your sweet little girl, Madalyn Rose. I lost my Little Robert Tenzin Bloom in April at 43 weeks. I can relate to so much of what you said, especially "I'm feeling like everything is normal and none of this ever happened. I was never pregnant." I don't feel like that anymore, but I did for the 1st 6 weeks or so, at least twice per day.

You also said you can't stop obsessing over getting pregnant and that you jump between wanting her and wanting another and not wanting to ever do it again. I'm still there. I want a baby so badly. Of course I want him the most, but I can't have him, so doesn't it seem reasonable that I should be able to have a baby, even if not him? Then I just want to run away.

I don't think that I can give you advise, but I want you to know that I can relate to your feelings and that I can hear your strength coming through your words.

One last comment on my own experience- I need the pictures in order to remember how my son looked. And each time I see them I end up smiling. He was so beautiful. (I'm sure that your little Madalyn Rose is beautiful too.) I might cry a little, but the pictures remind me what a miracle he was, how beautiful he was, how much my heart grew that day, even though it was being crushed. The pictures help me. They help my husband too. He cried every time he saw certain ones for the 1st 8 weeks or so. But he still looks at them every day and treasures them. He definitely felt better after each crying session and ended up being able to laugh and smile after each good cry. I hope that the pictures bring you relief as well.

You are in my thoughts. Hugs to you.