Hey everyone! I've been going back and forth a million times in my head, on whether or not I should join a group. I'm beyond hopeful that this will provide some type of light, in what seems like a never ending dark nightmare. I have always wanted children. I love them to death. I really wanted a girl, but said whatever I was blessed with, then I'm beyond fine. Ladies, I'm going to be a little detailish and frank. I got off birth control (implanon) in March, and always had had periods the whole time I was on it. I went to my PCP for my monthly checkups after missing him for a bit due to insurance reasons. I always have had crampa, nausea, almost vomiting, back paon, nipple pain. Every month I went, I would ask him, if I should worry about having a period or getting pregnant. He always uninterestedly would shrug and say no. I started feeling worse as the months went on, too a pregnancy test in late march and it was negative. Fast forwards to September and he's requested urine, blood, and a pap smear. My pap smear was due and he thought I had diabetes due to my excessive urinated, thirst, and craving of water. My tests came back normal. Still haven't had a period sing March. I end up being rushed to the hospital a few days later, he's on call and the nurse asked if I was pregnant. I said no, ask him, he's my Dr. She said, I'm going to run a urine teat just to check. Thank GOD she did, I received the most beautiful words, and shock of my life. I was pregnant. The hospital near me doesn't do OBGYN related work any more, so I asked my Dr. if he could atleast do an ultrasound to make sure my baby is OK. He said no, but we'll draw blood and run it through the machine to estimate your weeks. I'm a woman that keeps up with when I have sex, so for you to tell me I'm five weeks when I should be some months scared the pure hell out of me. A few days after that, I was rushed to another hospital with complaints and this one's main concern is my baby first (Thank GOD). I stayed in the ER from 1pm-9pm that night, I got stuck over 15 times drawing blood and putting in IVs. I have a vaginal and regular ultrasound done and received the most devasting news ever. They could find my baby's heartbeat. I can't tell you how crushing that was for me. Not only was I five months, but my baby was the beautiful fully developed girl I wanted. I was immediatedly induced, and did my whole labor (7 hours) with no pain meds. I had palnned to do the same, had she made it into the world. I prayed, I cried, I lashed out. Im beyond angry, spiteful, jealous, hurt. I tried to keep the faith, but I started to question and lose it. My mind races constantly. I had to bury my baby. I feel absolutely responsible for her death. When in actuality it wasn't my fault, I just didn't know she was in there. My Dr was giving me strong depression and anti anxiety meds during my entire pregnancy. Of the multiple medical professionals I've spoken with, it's been said that not only did the drugs harm her, but also I possibly had preeclampsia, which could've been caught and avoided. Guys, I'm sorry for the lengthy reading, but I had to properly share. Please, I'm beyond welcome to any and all feedback.Thanks.