I know exactly where you're coming from. Don't insult me by saying 'God had a plan'...what God? And if there is a God what kind of a being would do this to somebody? Nope, please keep your religious mumbo jumbo to yourself.

As for the trust in myself...it is none-existent. I don't trust my instincts anymore. Emma's movements started slowing down in the week before we got the horrific news. I went to the Dr exactly a week before she died and he checked everything out and told me I was a paranoid first time mommy. Everybody kept saying that. I still felt like something was wrong but ignored it. In fact the one day I was sitting in my car crying, I was trying to get her to move and she just wasn't responding, I was crying and thought to myself what if my baby's dying? But I pushed the thought aside because everybody told me I was being foolish. How can I not blame myself? I stopped listening to what she and my body was telling me and now she's gone. My body was supposed to be the safest place for her and it couldn't keep her so.

I feel like I'm an angsty teenager again. I have no confidence, second guessing every decision. Work has suffered as a result. I feel like an outsider looking in at everything and I don't like myself very much.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think every angel mommy here knows exactly what you are talking about. I received plenty of the same comments and advice. I finally had to tell the last person to please not tell me whatever sense she was going to try to make out of it because I did not want to hear one more "God had a plan." These were family and friends that have never experienced what I or we have gone through. So they think their helping but to us, their not. Only we truly understand one another.Please vent all you want and grieve at your own pace. We are all here for you. Sending you lots of love.

I know exactly how you feel. I heard every religious clich in the books and it all irritated me to no end. I have been in church all my life and never expected to be in a situation where I was angry at God. It's been two years since my son died. Since that time I have not only had to deal with his loss but the fact that my chances for another baby are basically done. So it's been a double devastation for us. Holding on to my faith has been very difficult. Each day is a challenge but I have managed to make some progress. I have been blessed to have come across some people of faith that have imparted practical wisdom about my situation. All I can tell you is to be kind to yourself. It is normal to have a crisis of faith. It takes time and there is no set time to heal. I have my good and bad days. Some Sundays I can't manage to go to church at all. Other Sundays I go and get much needed strength and encouragement. Like many things in life, faith is a choice. One thing that has helped me to maintain faith is getting comfort in my son being in heaven. It gives me some peace in knowing that he is well cared for in such a wonderful place. I want to be reunited with him someday. As much as I miss him and go through hell at times with my grief, believing that he is okay and at peace helps me. Another thing that helps me in when I pray I am completely honest with God about how I feel. I have let him know when I am angry and disappointed with him. Getting those feelings off my chest have helped. Prayer has been a big help for me. I hope you find the peace you need and deserve. Take your time and be patient with yourself.

Thank you both so much for helping me feel I'm not alone in these thoughts!

We went to the Dr for a scheduled appointment on Monday and they wouldn't see us because I was a new patient (just switched insurance) and I hadn't had some pre-appt they didn't tell me was required when I scheduled. I was so angry. I spent Tuesday trying to get Sam to move, as I just knew something was wrong, but no response. When we finally got to see a Dr on Thursday, my son's heart was still. I keep thinking "if only I'd insisted they check on him Monday." My husband tells me it would have been exactly what happened to your angel, Emma. They would have said "everything's fine", sent us home, and then we would have been even more shocked on Thursday. I just hate that, despite the signs, I kept telling myself "it's ok, everything will be fine."

I think if we could stop blaming ourselves it would really help in our quest to find peace. I wonder how to even begin that journey.

it is common to blame yourself. I have done plenty of self-blame as well. We are not sure exactly when my baby passed but we had a sonogram at the perinatologist on Thursday and one the following Monday when it was told to me that he had no heart beat. The only thing we did different that weekend was that on Friday evening my husband and I had made love for the first time in seven months. We hadn't had sex because we were trying to be so careful. We had been careful that night as well. The only reason we had sex was because my gyne told me that my cervix was shut tight and that to loosen it I needed to either do some walking or have sex. I didn't do the walking because by then I was so tired I didn't have the energy. So I have questioned myself many times about having sex that night and if somehow it hurt my son. I know in my rational mind that I did nothing wrong but sometimes in my worst grief moments I blame myself. It doesn't help to blame yourself. None of us would ever knowingly do anything to harm our babies, We all loved our babies more than anything. Blaming yourself will only make your grieving worse and set you back emotionally. There was nothing you could have done differently. I was a first time mom as well and in that situation we listen to our doctor's because they are supposed to be the experts. I have learned some hard lessons from my experience. If I am ever blessed to have another chance I know to do so many things differently that I did not know to do with my son. It was not my fault, just as it is not your fault.

It's amazing all the choices you can use to blame yourself, too. Maybe it's because I'm a side sleeper and flip back and forth all night. Maybe it was all the stress at work. Maybe I shouldn't have gone to the chiropractor. My string of maybes is far too long and it's so hard that I'll never know for sure. I think I'll be doing a lot differently if I get another chance.

I feel exactly the same, my belief is God is definatly being challanged. Why would God choose this for me? For my baby? What have I done to deserve this? I am a good person, and yet I'm left questioning myself as to what I could have done differently in life to not deserve this. No, I don't know that God does exist. Why would God allow this to happen to me? Bad stuff happens to good people and good stuff happens to bad people...I'm beginning to believe that were just here...shit just happens and there is no big plan. If there is a God doing this I hate him.

I agree with you ladies...I don't want to hear anybody's scripture quotes about a season for everything or have you tell me that God needed another angel. Blah, blah, blah...I'm sure there's something for everyone, but religion isn't for everybody.

I felt like something was wrong my entire pregnancy, and went for every test under the sun, which Stephen passed with flying colors. I STILL knew something was not right. I even believe I felt his last movements, and called my husband in to feel. He brushed it off as hiccups, and that was it (I think those where his last movements, but can't be sure). There's nothing that could have been done at that point, but I do think I will always carry some guilt about what happened to my angel.

I have come to believe, as a previous poster stated, that sometimes, things just happen. It sucks that they happened to us, but that's life, I guess. I have wondered many times if anything was mentioned in my last scan about a blood clot, which is what they believe happened, but what good would knowing do? It would only serve to fan my anger again, and that hardly seems healthy.

Wishing you all the best...

I almost forgot two of my least favorite conversations which included, "God knows your pain, he lost a son too," and, "well, you don't know if Stephen might have had something wrong later on...imagine if he had been born and died later." RIIIGGGHHHHTTTT...

Oh, and, "You can tell God how angry you are...He can take it." Oh good for God, he can deal with my anger and pain...ppfftt

I know how you feel. After I lost Amelia, we went to visit my husband's aunt and being a very religious person she insisted that GOD HAS A PLAN. I told her never to mention God to me again. For months whenever I tried to pray, I became very angry. To this day I ask God why he was so cruel. I pray only because I know that Amelia is in heaven, with all of our angel babies.
I blamed myself for Amelia's loss. I always tell myself that I should have insisted on being induced after I passed the due date. I shouldn't have waited. I shouldn't have walked so much. I should have left work earlier. I shouldn't have gotten a damn pedicure and let someone touch my ankles. I shouldn't have gotten angry when she kicked me hard. I wanted to be so independent during my pregnancy. Every time someone insisted on doing something for me, I told them that there are moms in china who farm while pregnant and that I can surely get something off a high shelf. I shouldn't have stressed so much.
But then I remember. She was happy. She was playful. She was adventurous. She loved being close to her father when we slept. She loved playing hide and seek with the ultrasound and doppler. I gave her all the best parts of me and maybe that's all Amelia ever wanted or needed. I have faith again because I know that somewhere Amelia's soul lives on. She has shown me that she is always with us. I see signs everywhere. I'm still angry with God, but I cannot be angry with Amelia. She is the reason for my enduring faith.

I've actually thought those things myself... what if he'd been sick and suffered every day of his life or died of SIDS? But no... he was perfect... We will never know why and, I think you're right, it wouldn't help if we did.

amandru, good article. thanks for sharing.

Secretkeeper2, I had a friend at work tell me almost exactly the same thing. "If you're angry with God, let him know." Yeah, I'll get right on that since God seems so overwhelmingly concerned with how I feel. RIGHT!

Yes, yes....but they will say, "oh, he DOES care. You'll see someday that there was a reason, and even if you don't, that's part of the plan too." Wow! People will really tell themselves (and you) just about anything to keep moving along. If religion works for some, that's great, but people should realize we don't really need to hear about it.