Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
Sorry this is long... It's just I never got to tell my story...
I lost my daughter Aubree at 23 weeks. I had started swelling really early.. Like around 12 weeks or so. I was working about 70 hours a week and often pulled double shifts so I figured it was because of that. As the swelling got worse, I cut back my hours and began bringing it up to my Dr. They checked for protein and found nothing. I work in the health care field and so I began checking my blood pressures every 8 hours or so. They were all normal.
Come my 20 week ultrasound we found out we were having a little girl. My boyfriend and I were ecstatic. Again, I brought up the swelling which had gotten worse. They said less hours and keep my feet elevated when ever I was sitting. Drink more fluids. My blood pressures were still fine. There was no protein in my urine. a week later I had gained 12 pounds, and was so swollen I couldn't bend my feet properly to walk. I went in right away. They listened to Aubree's heart beat which was fine, and put me on strict 48 hour bed rest. I came back and lost 7 pounds and the swelling was down a lot. So. They put my on modified bed rest. I could only work my one job 12 hours a week. But could only have 4 hour shifts. no more pulling double shifts. If I had to work that day I wasn't allowed to do anything else before or after work. My other job, is at a hospital. I could only work my 2 shifts there a week, no picking up extra hours and I had to have a small team of patients.
Wednesday July 25th. I worked at the hospital that night. My floor was completely full and I had a lot of patients that night so I was running around like crazy. Finally it slowed down after most people when to sleep and I sat down. I was sitting in the charting room and noticed my legs hurt a lot. I put my legs up because I was going to massage it and then noticed my calf was so swollen I couldn't pull my scrub pant over my calf. I had a headache all day but that was normal for me ever since I had gotten pregnant. I looked over to an RN sitting next to me and I showed her. I asked her to take my blood pressure. It was 126/100. If you don't know that's really high. My normal BP's were always around 110/60.
She got worried and told me I needed to call my Dr. right away. I called her and she told me I needed to come in ASAP. I went and picked my boyfriend up from work, then ran home to change. Then we took off to the dr. When I got there my BP's got higher. it was 152/110. Then they couldn't find her heart beat with the fetal monitor. I got scared and told them to bring in the ultrasound tech immediately. They brought it in and then told me that our little girl had passed away. They admitted me right away and we had the terrible task of calling our family. My mom lives in Florida. She got a plane booked and flew up here on the next flight. My sister drove 5 hours from Iowa in the middle of the night to be with me. I called my dad who came up to the hospital right away and a close friend of mine who came up right away too. They started me on magnesium because they were afraid I was going to have seizures since my blood pressure was so high. And they started to induce labor. Around 4Am the nurse came in and asked how I felt. I said I was still really hot which is a side effect of the magnesium which should have been wearing off by then. She took my temp which was 102.3. She rushed out of the room to page the dr. The Dr. came in and looked me over. I had only been there for about 5 hours, they already started to induce me. And they had me on the magnesium for seizures, now I apparently had this infection raging through my body making me really sick. What more could really go wrong right?! It took them 4 times of trying to get an IV in my arm because I was super dehydrated since all the fluid was going to the wrong parts of me. Then I was getting my blood drawn every 2 hours to make sure the magnesium levels weren't too high or I'd die. So between everything. I was simply miserable. I was trying to be strong for my boyfriend even though we both knew soon I'd be delivering our daughter who was already gone. My sister got there at about 7AM. By then my whole body had swollen up to the point I couldn't open my eyes all the way. And I looked terrible because I didn't sleep all night. And I couldn't eat because my blood pressures were still high and they were afraid I was going to need an emergency C-section. My mom got there at about 10 AM. And my dad had to leave to go to work, but promised he'd be back when he could. His family also came up to be with us. It was amazing having so much support. People were trying to not talk about the fact that in a few hours, I was going to deliver Aubree. But we would never get to hear her cry. My contractions started to get closer and closer. Then I asked everyone to leave except my mom, sister, and boyfriend. It took 2 pushes before she came out. Then the nurse kept telling me to talk to her. To talk to the baby. To hold my boyfriends hand. All the while, I was bleeding out. I didn't realize I was losing so much blood. I was just happy the pain of labor was over! After they got the bleeding to stop and got everything cleaned up I let everyone back in the room. I made sure I was the first one to hold Aubree. It broke my heart. I kept looking at her. Waiting for her to move. Waiting for her to cry. Waiting for any sign of life. But she never moved. The magnesium made it very hard for me to focus or to keep my eyes open. It made me well... High. But it was a feeling I didn't like. I passed Aubree to her daddy who held her. Then to who ever else wanted to hold her. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep my eyes open. I couldn't focus so I went in and out of it. I couldn't even stay awake while they were putting an out fit on her and weighing her or measuring her. I was so angry with myself because I refused all pain meds so that I could be alert when the time came. I had such a short time with her I didn't want to waste it. Time slid by and friends and family came up to the hospital to see Aubree. It was great, but so sad at the same time. I got discharged the next day and we began to plan her funeral. It was amazing because the funeral home, and the cremation place did everything for us free of charge.
Now it's 6 weeks later and sometimes I cry for no reason or just have a bad day thinking about Aubree. Some times I get mad knowing that people who don't deserve kids have them, yet my daughter died. Other days I'm ok. I just think about Aubree up in heaven with her grandma's playing and eating my grandma's amazing chocolate chip cookies. I know I can't bring Aubree back, but I want so badly to have another baby. I'm afraid of trying again. And I'm afraid of this happening again. But if I don't try then I'll never feel the love of my child. And I feel like the hole in my heart will never get smaller.
To this day, the doctors don't want to say I had pre-eclampsia because of how early I got it. They also don't know why Aubree died. Especially because I was in the office 3 days before she supposedly died. There was nothing wrong with her. They did genetic testing and blood work and everything short of doing an autopsy ( I couldn't bear the thought of them cutting my baby open) I am 20 years old, I'm active I work out I'm healthy. No drugs or alcohol or anything that could have caused this. Now I'm stuck wondering if I can have kids, can I love this new baby like I loved Aubree. Can we make it through another pregnancy. All things that I want answered but with no one around to help me.
I lost my daughter Aubree at 23 weeks. I had started swelling really early.. Like around 12 weeks or so. I was working about 70 hours a week and often pulled double shifts so I figured it was because of that. As the swelling got worse, I cut back my hours and began bringing it up to my Dr. They checked for protein and found nothing. I work in the health care field and so I began checking my blood pressures every 8 hours or so. They were all normal.
Come my 20 week ultrasound we found out we were having a little girl. My boyfriend and I were ecstatic. Again, I brought up the swelling which had gotten worse. They said less hours and keep my feet elevated when ever I was sitting. Drink more fluids. My blood pressures were still fine. There was no protein in my urine. a week later I had gained 12 pounds, and was so swollen I couldn't bend my feet properly to walk. I went in right away. They listened to Aubree's heart beat which was fine, and put me on strict 48 hour bed rest. I came back and lost 7 pounds and the swelling was down a lot. So. They put my on modified bed rest. I could only work my one job 12 hours a week. But could only have 4 hour shifts. no more pulling double shifts. If I had to work that day I wasn't allowed to do anything else before or after work. My other job, is at a hospital. I could only work my 2 shifts there a week, no picking up extra hours and I had to have a small team of patients.
Wednesday July 25th. I worked at the hospital that night. My floor was completely full and I had a lot of patients that night so I was running around like crazy. Finally it slowed down after most people when to sleep and I sat down. I was sitting in the charting room and noticed my legs hurt a lot. I put my legs up because I was going to massage it and then noticed my calf was so swollen I couldn't pull my scrub pant over my calf. I had a headache all day but that was normal for me ever since I had gotten pregnant. I looked over to an RN sitting next to me and I showed her. I asked her to take my blood pressure. It was 126/100. If you don't know that's really high. My normal BP's were always around 110/60.
She got worried and told me I needed to call my Dr. right away. I called her and she told me I needed to come in ASAP. I went and picked my boyfriend up from work, then ran home to change. Then we took off to the dr. When I got there my BP's got higher. it was 152/110. Then they couldn't find her heart beat with the fetal monitor. I got scared and told them to bring in the ultrasound tech immediately. They brought it in and then told me that our little girl had passed away. They admitted me right away and we had the terrible task of calling our family. My mom lives in Florida. She got a plane booked and flew up here on the next flight. My sister drove 5 hours from Iowa in the middle of the night to be with me. I called my dad who came up to the hospital right away and a close friend of mine who came up right away too. They started me on magnesium because they were afraid I was going to have seizures since my blood pressure was so high. And they started to induce labor. Around 4Am the nurse came in and asked how I felt. I said I was still really hot which is a side effect of the magnesium which should have been wearing off by then. She took my temp which was 102.3. She rushed out of the room to page the dr. The Dr. came in and looked me over. I had only been there for about 5 hours, they already started to induce me. And they had me on the magnesium for seizures, now I apparently had this infection raging through my body making me really sick. What more could really go wrong right?! It took them 4 times of trying to get an IV in my arm because I was super dehydrated since all the fluid was going to the wrong parts of me. Then I was getting my blood drawn every 2 hours to make sure the magnesium levels weren't too high or I'd die. So between everything. I was simply miserable. I was trying to be strong for my boyfriend even though we both knew soon I'd be delivering our daughter who was already gone. My sister got there at about 7AM. By then my whole body had swollen up to the point I couldn't open my eyes all the way. And I looked terrible because I didn't sleep all night. And I couldn't eat because my blood pressures were still high and they were afraid I was going to need an emergency C-section. My mom got there at about 10 AM. And my dad had to leave to go to work, but promised he'd be back when he could. His family also came up to be with us. It was amazing having so much support. People were trying to not talk about the fact that in a few hours, I was going to deliver Aubree. But we would never get to hear her cry. My contractions started to get closer and closer. Then I asked everyone to leave except my mom, sister, and boyfriend. It took 2 pushes before she came out. Then the nurse kept telling me to talk to her. To talk to the baby. To hold my boyfriends hand. All the while, I was bleeding out. I didn't realize I was losing so much blood. I was just happy the pain of labor was over! After they got the bleeding to stop and got everything cleaned up I let everyone back in the room. I made sure I was the first one to hold Aubree. It broke my heart. I kept looking at her. Waiting for her to move. Waiting for her to cry. Waiting for any sign of life. But she never moved. The magnesium made it very hard for me to focus or to keep my eyes open. It made me well... High. But it was a feeling I didn't like. I passed Aubree to her daddy who held her. Then to who ever else wanted to hold her. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep my eyes open. I couldn't focus so I went in and out of it. I couldn't even stay awake while they were putting an out fit on her and weighing her or measuring her. I was so angry with myself because I refused all pain meds so that I could be alert when the time came. I had such a short time with her I didn't want to waste it. Time slid by and friends and family came up to the hospital to see Aubree. It was great, but so sad at the same time. I got discharged the next day and we began to plan her funeral. It was amazing because the funeral home, and the cremation place did everything for us free of charge.
Now it's 6 weeks later and sometimes I cry for no reason or just have a bad day thinking about Aubree. Some times I get mad knowing that people who don't deserve kids have them, yet my daughter died. Other days I'm ok. I just think about Aubree up in heaven with her grandma's playing and eating my grandma's amazing chocolate chip cookies. I know I can't bring Aubree back, but I want so badly to have another baby. I'm afraid of trying again. And I'm afraid of this happening again. But if I don't try then I'll never feel the love of my child. And I feel like the hole in my heart will never get smaller.
To this day, the doctors don't want to say I had pre-eclampsia because of how early I got it. They also don't know why Aubree died. Especially because I was in the office 3 days before she supposedly died. There was nothing wrong with her. They did genetic testing and blood work and everything short of doing an autopsy ( I couldn't bear the thought of them cutting my baby open) I am 20 years old, I'm active I work out I'm healthy. No drugs or alcohol or anything that could have caused this. Now I'm stuck wondering if I can have kids, can I love this new baby like I loved Aubree. Can we make it through another pregnancy. All things that I want answered but with no one around to help me.
(((hugs))))
I'm so glad you were able to have her vaginally it will certainly make things easier when you are ready to ttc.
Cherish those moments you had with her, and that your family was there. that is so special. you will never forget her
I went into premature labor with my daughter Elaina. Like the other people that commented, I know what it's like to know your baby is fine one minute...then the next they're gone. My daughter was fine for most of my labor...I listened to her heartbeat...then the problems and malpractice began :(
When to try to have another child is a personal choice. Don't let anyone pressure you in to it by telling you that it will make you feel better. I had lots of people tell me that. I've lost several babies, even one very recently, and the time between trying to conceive again has varied based upon how I feel, how I'm grieving, how I'm accepting the situation. After Elaina, it was 16mo before I tried again...and I miscarried that pregnancy. I chose to try again shortly after that one and delivered a healthy, beautiful girl. If you feel in your heart that you are meant to be a mother, don't give. I know that's a hard thing to think about...but it will happen :)
I lost my baby girl at 27.5 weeks fo no know reason but like you I was very swollen all over for days before she was gone. It's been oevr 2 years now and I still cry randomly when something sets off my emotions. Don't worry about crying, you just lost part of you and it will take som etime to figure things out. Dailystrength is the reason I stayed sane the first year after losing my baby. You have come to the right place.
((HUGS))