Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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SophiasMom2010 01/09/2012

Hi ladies. I just came back from visiting Sophia's grave today, I cleaned off her's and all the other headstones there from all the debris and leaves the cemetery people don't seem to care about, and talked to her for awhile.

Even after all this time I always find myself crying every time I go there. It's hard to stay long to talk though because the ground is muddy and it's hard to squat for long periods of time and the ground keepers are "working" right there and watching me EVERY TIME... there's still so much I want to say but don't know how, and every time I am there I just want to scream and dig her up and breathe life back into her little body, I hate thinking of that beautiful little girl lying cold in the ground like that!

I just hate going there. I'm sorry Sophia I said it! I love being close to her and feeling like I can almost touch her, but there's no privacy and it's so hard to walk away, I feel like I'm abandoning her all over again. I could sit there for a whole day straight and still feel like it was 5 minutes! I just hate to leave her there, I still need to bring my baby home, and seeing her headstone is another reminder that I never will.

you know?

deleted_user 01/09/2012

I went to the cemetery today too. I love being there. I could get a chair and sit myself right there next to the grave ALL DAY. I've never actually done it but I really think that I could. I always feel so peaceful there. Not today though. After I put my flowers down we walked around and picked up all of the vases that had fallen over and I saw a freshly dug tiny little grave. The baby was ten days old and there was one next to the new one that was born still on November 25th. I had a break down right there next to the grave. It just brought me right back to the day I was there to bury Caydence. I hate leaving too and I always want to just dig her up and bring her home with me. Some days I really wish I would have had her creamated so that she would be here with me and I could talk to her whenever I wanted. I totally know how you feel my friend.

deleted_user 01/09/2012

i havent got to go back to see oliver yet, he was buried over 2 months ago, but he is buried over an hour away. if he was closer though i would probably never be able to leave his side. im glad you all are able to visit your babies often. i feel so horrible because i havent been back since his funeral. im finally getting ready to order his headstone though, just trying to find the right words to put on it lots of hugs

deleted_user 01/09/2012

You do WHATEVER you want when you go to visit your little girl. Don't think twice about what people think of you or how much they look at you. Working there, they should know better of what to expect out of people.
I don't know what your beliefs are, so please don't take offense to this. It helps me a lot to think this. I know you think about her being down in the ground, but she's not there. She's in a much better place. She can't hurt anymore.
Remember that you have everyone here and I'm sure we all wish we could stand there and hold you while you cry.
Lots and lots of hugs...

deleted_user 01/09/2012

I agree with denisemd completely. I too visit the cemetery and I talk to David and sing to him too, but I know he's not there; just a shell of the beautiful life that I helped to create is all that remains. I go there to remember. It has been just over 3 months and I still talk to him everywhere I go: in the car whenever I'm driving, as I walk through the house (when I'm by myself of course), he's always in my mind. I don't confine David to one spot; he was with me for 38 weeks and 4 days and I will continue to carry him with me for the rest of my life just as I did during my pregnancy. The way I see it, he hears me just as he did before.

My prays to all of you. I hope God grants you peace!

deleted_user 01/10/2012

I understand, that's how I feel about graves. I never go to my fathers' grave... It feels so cold and impersonal, and there's no privacy. Not peaceful at all for me! And he's not really there... you can talk to Sophia anytime you want, and you can feel her close in your heart anywhere you are.

We had Emma cremated. I have the ashes here at home, but we are going to return them to nature as soon as we find a place that feels right. It's hard letting go :(

deleted_user 01/11/2012

The manager of the local Memorial Gardens told me that a man visits there every Friday. He brings two bottles of beer and a chair and he sits near his mate's memorial plaque and has a beer with him. Every week. So please don't worry about what other people think when you are visiting Sophia's grave - just do whatever you want, cry and talk to her. The only thing you can't do, my dear, is dig her up and take her home. Let her resting place be a place of remembering and honoring Sophia, and release her to the happier place where she has gone.

deleted_user 01/11/2012

I agree that our little ones have moved on from this world and it helps me to think that they are in a better place where there is only endless love and light. I also think that you should take as much time as you need at the cemetery, and do whatever you are moved to do while visiting Sophia. You never need to justify how you feel or what you are led to do in your grief.

We had Angelica cremated, and we chose not to have the ashes returned to us. That might sound cold and uncaring, but at the time I just couldn't imagine having to do something with the ashes later on, and they told us at the hospital it could take 3 or 4 months to get them back. We had been through so much and I didn't want to have to go through it all over again at that point. Sometimes I wish we had gotten the ashes back and taken them somewhere beautiful, but I feel closest to her when I think back on memories of my pregnancy and of that blessed day when we got to hold her for the first and last time. I know she will always be with us in the love that we carry in our hearts.

deleted_user 01/11/2012

I visit my Jayne's grave every month. I clean up her grave and put fresh flowers there and look at her headstone and remember her... wonder how she is and about the day I'll see her again. I don't talk to her... I stand and wonder what to do... I don't want to leave her but don't know what to do if I stay. I was thinking about heaven this week. I think that to our angels, time doesn't really exist, so in that sense they don't have to wait and miss us... not like we miss them. But the reunion will be joyful, and glad. For us it is in the future, but for them it is now, because there is no waiting and missing in heaven. Anyway I am sure they don't feel abandoned because of that, because they don't miss us, I know that coz it says there will be no sadness, no tears and missing someone involves sadness and tears. This sounds all rambled, but I hope you know what I'm tryin to say!! Anyway, sending hugs

eventer00 01/11/2012

I know exactly what you mean. When I first lost Junior, I wanted to go to the cemetery everyday but now I hate going. When I'm there all I do is cry and his headstone is just a constant reminder of what I've lost. Bringing things to his grave is so depressing bc I should be giving things to him, alive, here on this Earth.

I hate that we have to be going through this. It just hurts so bad. ((Hugs))

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