Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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SophiasMom2010 11/14/2011

Hi ladies. I just lost my rainbow a few days ago, and my baby Sophia was stillborn at 38 weeks last September. I waited a whole year patiently for my boyfriend to be ready to try again even though my heart and body were aching for a baby. I respected his right to grieve and waited for him to be ready, then on Sophia's first birthday he decided he was ready. And we lost the baby.

Now he doesn't want to try again, and I do. I have decided to tell him I am on birth control and really I am throwing them away. I never did this before because I think men have a right to decide when to have a baby as much as we do, but now it's different. He wants children, but he's scared to try again because of this last miscarriage I had at 6 weeks. To me, I think it was early enough where it shouldn't be a huge deal, and tricking him into having a child isn't like I am forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do, because he wants babies as bad as I do. I think if I am ready to deal with the pain of miscarriage and other issues, he should be ok with it.

Is this horrible for me to do?? Is anyone else doing this?? Dammit, we deserve our children, and they may have objections, but in the end it is our bodies going through hell, shouldn't we have more weight in this decision????

nasnye 11/14/2011

I feel that every time you have unprotected sex, you are trying to conceive. If he does not want to wear a condom then you (both) are trying to get pregnant.

The first chance I get to make a baby... I'm making one.

Many Hugs!!!
Nneka

deleted_user 11/14/2011

This is such a hard thing, after I lost my angel, I was so desperate for a baby, we waited until the Dr gave us the all clear, and then we tried for 2 months with no success, I started to feel desperate and bought ovulation tests, then I ovulated at the beg of Nov last year. When I told my husband, he said was too tired that night to try for a baby, I went mad like he was stopping me from having the baby I so desperately wanted. We had a big shouting match at which point I slept downstairs and was so mad!!But then we talked about it and we did try the next day and got pregnant.. I know the longing, I know the hurt when only one person seems to stand in your way and that person is meant to be your closest friend and soul mate, he has to understand how you feel, and it is his duty to try to give himself to you in a way that will benefit the relationship, make sacrifices for you and take risks for you but it is also your duty to be up front and honest with him, and understand his hurt, to support him, and encourage him to let go of a bit of that fear and to take a risk to make something beautiful!! It is a challenging time, but making a one sided decision and then him finding out that you purposefully did it, and knew he was grieving and hurting, would really be something difficult to overcome.
So my advice is to dialogue about it and keep on reminding him that you're not 2 individuals but 1 couple, joint decisions, joint responsability, joint accepters of any possible outcome.
I do hope he will come to the place where he wants to try again soon... sending hugs

deleted_user 11/14/2011

I understand your desperation, but I fear the deception. When you get pregnant what will you tell him? Will you be able to lie for the rest of your life about how you conceived? If so, will your child think it was a "mistake" or know that you tricked it's father? Just consider how you will deal with this after the fact. I know it is a tough place to be.

deleted_user 11/14/2011

I ditto everything JulyBaby2010 said. Especially the part about helping him to let go of the fear - take a chance and make something beautiful. I don't want to get to the end of my life, and regret not taking any risks.

I also asked my husband for a guy's perspective on this fragile topic. He said, "A family built on lies will not last. What kind of life would the child have when its parents are split part?"

Take heart, honey. Patience is sooo hard, I know. Talk to him and together, make an informed decision. Be there for each other - you are grieving after all! Children should be the result of love not deception. We love you and I pray for you every day. ((Hugs!))

deleted_user 11/14/2011

Maybe instead you should tell him that you refuse to use birth control. It's your body that has to go through this, so if you can be ready so can he! But it's only been a few days, so maybe you should give him some more time to come around...

deleted_user 11/14/2011

I can tell you are so torn. I don't know what advice to give. I can only tell you I am thinking of you. ((HUGS))

deleted_user 11/14/2011

He's taking a chance by having sex without a condom. You not taking the pill and telling him that you are is deceptive. If you can live with the deception, it's up to you. You are the only one who truly knows whether you can live with it or not.

SophiasMom2010 11/14/2011

Thank you all for your comments and help, to answer a few questions, I am planning on telling him what I did as soon as I am pregnant, and to be truly honest he is the one who has always wanted a family. Since we have been together he has begged me for a baby, literally daily begged me to have a child with him. Now I know he is too scared, not that he isn't ready for a baby. I really believe he will be happy once I am pregnant, and please don't take this the wrong way but I have already waited over a year, most of the women here have not and don't understand what I have been through while waiting and waiting. I need this more than anything.

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