Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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I need the truth

MeJustHere
MeJustHere
On October 12th it will be one year since I delivered my beautiful sleeping son, Braedyn. We didn't have a funeral for him because I just couldn't do it. So now that his angelversary is coming up, my husband and I decided we want to have a little celebration. We're calling it "A Celebration of Braedyn". We're gonna release butterflies and balloons and be together with our closest friends and family. It is not meant to be a memorial service or anything. I just want my family to know he's still a part of our lives and I want to have the family together for his 1st birthday. I asked my aunt for het address and I told her I was sending her an invitation. She didn't answer for 3 hours and then her text said, "I know its up to you but this is unhealthy." I'm really hurt. I've cried and I've thought about what she said. Is it unhealthy?? I have felt so positive while planning this celebration. I don't want a pity party. I just him to be recognized as part of the family damnit! And in this entire year she has not once called, emailed, or text me to see how I am. So in my book, she doesn't have a right to an opinion.

I just need the truth and from people who understand:
IS IT UNHEALTHY?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh Hunny it is not Unhealthy at all. This is very normal. Many of the women here have launched balloons. Made a cake, lit candles, all in memory of thier baby's. The people who tell you it is unhealthy have never experienced this loss like you have. Now if you laid in bed every day mourning your loss, drank yourself dizzy because of your grief that would be unhealthy. But honoring this life that was so precious to you is very normal and actually can aid the healing process.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's definitely not unhealthy. You are celebrating the life of your son, he grew in you, he had a personality, you bonded. He was a person and his memory deserves to be honored. Continue to be positive and don't let this person get you down. Unfortunately some people can never understand and can say and do inappropriate things because they have never suffered the loss of a child. You go ahead and have the best celebration ever I'm sure Braedyn will be there in spirit enjoying the butterflies and celebrating along with you
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your aunt is living 20 years ago. I've run into some family like that too. They can't handle our pain or understand that our babies are not something to get over. People have memorial church services on anniversaries all the time. There is no reason that our babies can't be celebrated also.
I hope you have a wonderful celebration of Braedyn!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Its not unhealthy at all...it is a way for you and your family to remember and celebrate your son's life...she should be more understanding...but sometimes people just dont get it...they never experience such a loss and dont know what kind of pain we have all been through...i think it is a great idea and it is something that i would like to do when we celebrate Isabella's first birthday next august...people just dont get it...
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's not unhealthy, and I think you should limit your invitation list to people who understand that and are supportive of what you have been through
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is unhealthy to act the way your aunt is acting! What a jerk. Lucky for her she doesn't understand how you feel, but too bad for her she isn't able to offer support and be a good part of your life.

You are right to go on with a celebration and remembrance and do it however you want. Don't ever think your grieving/memories/celebrations are unhealthy. In fact, I would say they are making you better every time!
deleted_user
deleted_user
It would be unhealthy if you didn't recognize your baby! Just because you child died before birth doesn't mean your life has not changed and been impacted by!
Death doesn't brake the bond between a mother and her child!!!

Your aunt sounds like my mom. I have also been planning a birthday celebration for my son. I want to have people donate to a place that helps fund parents buy tomb stones for their stillborn babies. My mom said "umm peoole don't burry miscarriages (stillbirth is not in her vocab) I don't even know why you have ashes"
Yes my mother is very comforting, well at least she tells me she is. (Rolling my eyes)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Braedyn is a part of your family and always will be. Of course he should be recognized and it sounds like what you are planning is perfect (well, it would be perfect if he were here to celebrate his birthday, but these days we all have to settle for as good as it gets...)

I'm sorry that your aunt is utterly wrong.

We have enough to be sad about. Stay positive, do what feels right and celebrate your son's beautiful life.
Laurengracesmom
Laurengracesmom
No, It is not unhealthy to want to celebrate your son. It is unhealthy to hide all your feelings away and your son just because he is not here on earth. She is being very selfish and obviously has some issues with dealing with death or something. Please don't let her get you down. You are grieving and it sounds like doing a good job. I would tell her exactly what you put above or whatever version you feel is right Tell her " I don't want a pity party. I just want him to be recognized as part of the family damnit! And in this entire year you have not once called, emailed, or text me to see how I am and that hurts my feelings. So in my book, you don't have a right to an opinion." If she wants to come she is welcome but if all she wants to do is rain on a parade that has already sustained a tornado then you don't want her there anyway. Hang in there sweetie and go on with your wonderful plans.
Love and big hugs,
Lindsay
deleted_user
deleted_user
Totally NOT unhealthy...I think it is very healthy & what ever you can do to keep Braedyn's memory alive is totally normal!! How dare she even say that to you?? I will never understand where people are coming from....I've learned that our loss just doesn't mean the same thing to the outside world...no one will ever understand the pain and heart ache that we go through...just "un-invite" her...hey, we can de-friend people on facebook (even though I don't have one!!) I wish we could do the same to family & friends...the ones that hurt us beyond reason!! Have a great day on his first birthday...the only one that counts on that day is you..and Braedyn! Sending u love & hugs!
Vicki
deleted_user
deleted_user
not unhealthy at all.. my daughters angelvarsary is also coming up.. november 9th.. shell be gone one year.. i was also wondering what we should do for her.. the butterflys and balloons sounds like such a good idea!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
i DON'T think it's unhealthy at all!!I think it's a wonderful idea and only limit your guest list to those who understand. I might try this on my angelversary to. If they were here we would be throwing a birthday party anyway so why not! good luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I worked as a social worker for hospice for five years and also had a stillbirth June 09. I have worked with MANY people through grief and have experienced it myself as well. People grieve in many different ways. For instance my grief is very private so I would not have a celebration for her birthday BUT that is what is healthy for me not for you. It is very healthy to continue to do meaningful things to remember your loss. I know people want to make your aunt a villian but try to reframe it this way. She may want the best for you and it may be very difficult for her to see you upset or sad. I think it is easier for her to think about what SHE would do and anything outside of that see as unhealthy. Be kind and gentle with yourself, remember people don't know what to do or say when someone is grieving they just want your grief to end. I think this is why "hurtful" comments are said without thinking. Enjoy your celebration don't waste time or energy being angry:) all the best
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am in a little shock that she was able to say that to you. This is totally healthy in my book. It has only been a month for me and I know that when our Mason's 1 yr birthday comes around, we will be celebrating his special day. These special babies are still part of OUR lives, and the ones around us that want to share that special memory. I could not imagine not keeping my Mason's memory going. Do what's right for you, you are Braedyn's mommy and only you know what you want to do to help you heal. Enjoy your celebration! Don't let this bring you down, think of all the wonderful people that want to be with you to celebrate this very special celebration, those are the people that matter..Thinking of you today.
Angela-Boyle
Angela-Boyle
this is not unhealthy at all. i think it is very sweet in fact and no parents in our cases dont get that 1st birthday and your child was still born!! you have every right to do whatever you want and if this makes you feel better than do it for you and your family and forget her and her opinion. many people move on quicker than others. you will never forget your child. a friend of mine father said after a month of my babys death that "shes still greiving?" and that he couldnt believe that that i just needed to get over it" and my husbands father tonight was even saying its time for rejoycing not grieving but im not their yet. so you do what you need to for your baby boy! celebrate his "birthday" and enjoy remembering him!!!