Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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huntersma 12/01/2011

It has been 3 wks today since we lost our baby boy, Hunter.

I am going through life one moment at a time and sometimes have no idea how I am going to get to the next one. Truly the best way to describe my feelings right now are completely overwhelmed, devastated, shocked, lost, angry, dead inside, total failure and completely heartbroken. I just have NO idea how I am going to come out on the other side of this. I cry everyday for the loss of Hunter and all of the dreams I had for him. Feel like I died inside the day my son died and than I hope that this is all just a horrible nightmare that I will wake up from and everything will be as it should. He was just a little boy that deserved a shot at a great life. I continue to ask God why he didn't take me and leave my son and the truth is I will never have that answer. I look at pictures of Hunter and it all just seems surreal. I know that I have people who love me and are there to support me, however feel like I am completely lost in my grief. My husband has tried to be so supportive even when he is dealing with his own grief. He says that he just wants me to get better; however I have NO idea how to "Get better". He doesn't understand that while we are both grieving that our grief is different...I was responsible for Hunter...I had him growing inside of me for 23 wks, nurtured him, felt him kick and move about, and in the end feel like I failed him. He says that will try again, however truly I am so scared to try for another child because I could just not bear to ever feel this pain again. How in the world did we get dealt the hand of my placenta rupturing? Happens less than 1%...Just completely unfair! We would have made good parents. I just wish I had some answers. A sight into the future, because right now I have no idea what that can possible hold. My thinking is just so jacked up. I have NO idea how to deal with this pain. I had someone tell me today that God only gives us as much as we can handle...I just want to scream"I have been given enough to handle! Haven't I passed your test yet?" Trust God..He has a plan I have been told..Well I would sure like to have a face to face to try to figure out what the hell his plan is, because I am not really happy with it and trust is supposed to go both ways. I have endured enough isn't it finally my turn for some happiness? I have always maintained my trust in God through the loss of my brother, sister in law, and sister in law's niece in a plane crash in 1992, loss of my mother in 2004 from lung cancer, father's heart surgery in 2008 that left him fighting for his life for over 6 mths and has now rendered him bound to a wheelchair, my father's recent diagnosis with ampullary cancer a very rare cancer, to now the loss of our son...Really enough is a enough. Now the baby's furniture that my dad bought for the baby is in and I have the decision to cancel or hold on to it so that if we are blessed with another child in the future and my dad dies of cancer the baby would have something that his Grandpa purchased for him...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

How do you find any hope in something that is so unfair?

angelcarter 12/01/2011

I am so sorry for you loss. And everything that you have been going through.
I lost my baby Carter 6 weeks ago today at 38 weeks, I still cry and look at his pictures everyday. I lost him to a knot in his cord, apperently quite rare.
I found this site and I hope the stories of the other wonderful woman on here give you strength as they have me.
I can tell you that I have been in a very bad place since it happened, but there seems to be some light.
Big hugs

Laurengracesmom 12/01/2011

I know you are going to hate hearing this because 3 weeks after my daughter died there would be no way I would want to hear this but here it is: Time, crying and riding the rollercoaster is the only thing that is going to get you through this." I am so sorry. This is the most painful thing a person can go through and you have had a lot of loss to deal with. This is not supposed to happen I have been trying to understand since I my daughter Lauren died at almost 39 weeks in January to a cord accident. But I will tell you that it gets better, it does not go away. But it gets easier and gradually you have more better days than terrible. Hang in there. There is not one thing you stated above that I have not thought myself in the last 11 months. I wish this never had to happen to another living soul because it cuts you to the bone. But there have been a ton of things that have helped: Support groups (online and in person), Books, supportive friends and family, My husband, Journaling, crying, Grief counseling and tributes to my precious little girl, a headstone and celebration of her life, balloon releases and a necklace with her ashes and photo that don't leave my sight. Just try to breath right now the first 6 months was the hardest but if you need to talk or vent or anything feel free to message me. Give yourself time to think about having another one cause it is scary and you have a right to be scared. The best thing you can do is continue to be honest with your husband and tell him that you are going to need time you won't be "better" with a snap of the fingers. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You have come to the right place.

Hugs

Jenderson 12/01/2011

I am so sorry for your loss. It will be 3 months tomorrow since I lost my baby boy Colin at 37 weeks...knot in the cord. I understand your pain and how scattered you feel with your emotions and thoughts of the future. I read in a book that this grief is something that we will always carry. The author compared it to carrying a 500 pound weight around. In the first weeks, it feels impossible to carry, then in the first months it becomes possible to carry it. The longer we have the weight the easier it will be to carry, but in the end, it will always be there. Somehow that brought me some comfort.

Your husband wanting you to "get better" is natural. I think most men can't stand to see the woman they love hurt so badly. I know my husband just wanted to "fix" things for me, which of course he couldn't...this isn't something that can be fixed.

Over time, you will feel somewhat "better", but you will never be the "better" that you were before. You have to find a new you and the new normal for your life. That is something I am still struggling to do. Right now it is still so raw for you so your focus just needs to be getting through each moment like you are, then take it hour by hour, then day by day. Do whatever you need to do..cry...yell...stay in bed...whatever feels right to you.

There are a lot of older posts that I hope you check out about guilt, God, getting through the hard days...they have all helped me. I am glad you found this site, but very saddened that you had to.

I will pray for you and your angel Hunter.

eventer00 12/01/2011

I am so so sorry for your loss. Every time a new mom joins DS, I feel all that raw pain all over again. I lost my son 4 months ago. He was 39 1/2 weeks. They have no idea why it happened. Everything looked perfectly healthy.

I know it feels like you're never going to be happy again but just know that it takes time. You are going to feel so many different things but just make sure you allow yourself to feel them. Soon, you will have more good days than bad. I'm still at the point where I think about Junior every second of the day but at least I have moments where I can smile and even laugh. I didn't think I would ever be able to do that again.

Joining DS was a good start in the grieving process. Everyone here knows exactly how intense the pain can be. We all understand all too well. ((Lots of Hugs))

deleted_user 01/11/2012

There is nothing fair about what has happened to you and there is no way to explain it. The only way to deal with grief is to go thru it. You are still very early in your journey of grief. Don't expect yourself to feel "better" or to be "coping" You are "grieving" and that is all. Don't let anyone tell you how or for how long you should grieve. Just do what you know is right for you. Try not to struggle against your feeling, but express them - here, or to a person you trust or in a journal. Here you can say anything you feel and know that you will not be judged. You are here with people who understand and care.

deleted_user 01/11/2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry that another mother had to join this group. Today made two months since my daughter got her wings. This pain and grief never really goes away completely but it does get easier to manage. Three weeks after Caydence died I didn't think that I would ever feel any kind of joy or happiness again. Ever. But two months out I am starting to have more good days than bad ones. You will start to have good days. And even a few good days in a row. You will laugh and then you will cry all in the day. I promise that it does get easier to make it through the day.

We are all here for you any time that you need anything.

deleted_user 01/11/2012

Oh hon! There is no easy Answers and i know i wouldn't have believed anyone at 3 weeks. On Monday it will be 11 Months since my Colleen-Mae was born at 38+ weeks. Somehow i am managing toget through each day - some days are gonig to be worse than other and somedays you will find that you still remember how to smile and laugh. NO you will never be the same and learning to be the new you will take lots of time and adjustments, but you are strong! i know you dont feel that way yet - but you are strong becasue you are an angel mom.. we hve faced the worse life can throw at us and we will survive.
Hold onto that small hope that Rainbows do come after storms and that oneday you will be ready to be blessed with another life inside of you. One day you will be ready - scared, worried, but ready.
Time is a great friend - it dulls the edges and makes everyday a bit easier.
And just remember you have all of us - we are here for you! we understand! we know!
HUGS

deleted_user 01/11/2012

I am so sorry. I lost my daughter on October 28 and life will NEVER be the same again. She impacted our world and she has taught me what true faith is because this was the hardest thing I have ever faced in life. We also lost my husband's father in August and that was hard and still is but this totally turned our world upside-down.

I remember how it felt just 3 weeks out and I was contemplating taking valium just to get by and really just sleep and hope time heals. I can say it actually does but you won't feel it for another few weeks so just grieve. Just breathe. That was all I could do. Really anything else was too much for me then.

I was angry at God first and someone told me "he understands your pain" and I thought really? He never was pregnant and gave birth to a still born child etc.

One day I woke up and opened this little book that a friend gave m and this is what it said...God spoke right to me -->
"My child, I knew every difficulty you would face in life. I suffered each one with you. I loved you and had a plan for your life before you were born.

This plan has not changed, no matter what happened to you or what you have done!

See, I knew all things concerning you before I formed you, and I would never allow any hurt to come into your life that I could not use for eternity. Will you let me?

Your truth will be imcomplete unless you view it against the backdrop of my truth. Your story will remain half-finished until you let Me do my half with your hurt. Let Me perfect that which concerns you.

I remain, your Faithful Father."

God bless you today! Rachel

deleted_user 01/11/2012

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Hunter and all that you have had to go through. In August, I lost my daughter at 39 1/2 weeks after a perfect pregnancy, and the doctors have no idea what went wrong. They say that what happened to us happens in less than 1% of pregnancies. It is heartbreaking, horribly unfair and devastating, and makes me feel like I failed my unborn child. She was inside my body so I must have done something wrong. Though I am now almost 5 months from my loss (which seems unreal), about two months ago I went through a period of real anger at God. Everybody kept telling me that I didn't do anything wrong, and it couldn't have been prevented. So I thought, if that is in fact true, then it must be God's fault. One of us screwed up, and if it wasn't me then it was God.

I also heard some of the same things you did, that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and that God knows the plan for our lives and is with us through all pain and suffering. That may be true, but it was too much for me to accept that somehow God planned this horrible loss in my life, or was aware of what lay ahead and did nothing to stop it. I live in a part of the country that is often impacted by hurricanes, and people say "God spared us" when the damage isn't too bad. I think, what about the other people who weren't spared? Does that mean God decided to deal them the bad hand? I don't think so.

I truly don't believe that God gives certain people difficult journeys and "spares" others. The only way I have been able to come out on the other side with any faith at all is to believe that God had nothing to do with it. For me personally, I think God created a beautiful, innocent life but beyond that it was a matter of biology. The loss of my child is unfortunately the new reality of my life. It happens so often in the natural world and now it has happened to us. I will never know the reason but I have tried to accept that and stop asking God for answers. If God is love, God could not possibly be the cause of our pain.

I don't know if my take on things helps at all...just wanted to say that I have grappled with many of the same feelings and that is how I have resolved them. I pray that you will find peace and brighter days ahead. It is a terrible, winding road, but you will find strength you never knew you had. May you be surrounded by love and light. ((((Hugs))))

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