Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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huntersma 12/13/2011

It has been a month since we lost our son, Hunter. I can not break out of this funk I am in. I am just sad all the time. My husband wants me to get better, however I don't know how. I still just can not believe that this is my reality and that I lost my baby boy. I have been through a lot of adversity in my life, however this one has definitely brought me down to my knees. I have NO idea how to get up and walk again from here. My heart aches everyday for Hunter and I cry everyday for his loss. I dont know if I will ever recover from this. I just feel so empty inside. I keep thinking about all of the things I will never have with himThe sound of his cries, to know the color of his eyes, to feel the tenderness of his hug, how he would sound when he began to talk, or how it would feel to hold him all night while he sleeps.I just dont know how to get over this loss. I wish I could see that sunlight and peace, however I think it is going to take a very long time for me to get through this. I am NEVER going to be the same! My husband keeps saying we will try again, however truly I dont know if I could ever make it through another loss like this. I told my husband that I will consider trying again, however if we loss another child he will be burying us both. I do not wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy! My boy is gone and I was completely powerless to control this situation. Everyday, I wish it would have been me and not Hunter. Don't feel like I am ever going to be able to feel my heartbeat again without that continuous ache.

deleted_user 12/13/2011

I am sobbing reading this. I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. I think you just wrote out exactly how I'm feeling right now, too. I can't motivate myself to do anything and I think people want me to start showing improvement but I'm just not there yet. This sadness and anger takes hold of me and I want my baby back so bad... so bad. I wish I could hug you right now. Just know that I'm with you, I share your pain and I pray for us all every single day.

Jenderson 12/13/2011

I am so sorry you are in this bad place right now. I think most, if not all of us felt the same things at one month. You may hear this a thousand times and not believe it, but someday, the scale will tip and you WILL have more better days than bad. I am 3 1/2 months out and it does get better. I still have my terrible days, and for the most part still feel sad everyday, but I can see and appreciate the sunshine when it is out and although my heart does still ache everyday, the ache is easier to live with.

As far as trying again for a rainbow, you will know when the time is right. I read once that when the hope and dreams of having a rainbow baby outweigh the fear of losing one, you are in a good place to try.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

eventer00 12/13/2011

Your pain is still very raw. As I was reading your post, it brought me back to those days when I felt the same way. I didn't think I could go on and I didn't know how to not feel so empty. My arms literally ached when I would see other babies. It did get easier though. Unfortunately it takes time and you have to ride the roller coaster of grief. I am only 4 1/2 months out and I do have more good days than bad. That's not to say I don't still have bad days because I definitely do but I am surviving and trying to go on with my life.

I don't think any of us are every going to be the same. I know I'm not the same person I used to be but that's not necessarily a bad thing. There will always be a hole in my heart for Junior but he has also made me appreciate the more important things in life like my husband, my pets, my family, etc. He has also taught me not to harp on petty things that really don't matter.

I really share your pain and just know that we are all here to support you. ((Hugs))

deleted_user 12/13/2011

Your post brought me back too. I have had every single one of those thoughts - every single one. We've all been there. For me the first 6 weeks were awful. Then things started to get better little by little. Now, 3 months later, I have good days because it's getting easier to bear this grief. It will get easier for you too.

I agree with Jendersen - when the hope and dreams of having a rainbow baby outweigh the fear of losing one, then you should try again. It took 1-2 months for that to happen for me.

Hang in there!

deleted_user 12/13/2011

I am so sorry that you are having so many bad days. Grief sends you through so many emotions, like nothing else I've ever felt. The ups and downs are so exhausting, it sometimes seems impossible to get up and move through life again.
A part of you is missing, but that missing piece is an angel who is with you in your heart everyday. He is praying for you too. Look around you, our angels send us signs at times when we least expect. Hunter loves his mama too, and will always be there for you.
You will never be the same, that is a fact. But I have found that I have changed in some ways that I never expected, and I'm trying to embrace it. I know that was my gift from Julianne.
I tried not to say 'it will get better' because I know you have heard that a lot, but it truly does. And someday you will look back and appreciate how far you've come, with the help of your precious angel.

deleted_user 12/13/2011

I remember those days. I am so very sorry for your loss of precious Hunter. I hate it when someone new comes to us. I know you don't believe me when I tell you that you will smile and laugh again someday. I was like you, wondering how I could possibly live the rest of my life without my daughter. There is no easy answer. It is simply one day, one moment, one breath at a time. Time will not heal this wound nor will it help us forget. As time passes we just start to accept the reality of the situation and get to a place where we are better adept at carrying our load of grief. It is a very heavy cross to bear but please take heart. You are not on this road alone. We are with you, we are here for you!

I know it doesn't help you right now to hear, but one of the things that has helped me the most is my faith. I truly believe that we will be reunited with our precious angels. They all love us so much and can't wait to be with us again. We will see their smiles, hear their laughter. I hope, that in time you will start to feel her love radiating down on you.

((Hugs)) dear, I am praying for you and your family.

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