oh yes - i understand. The one sip of cocktail, just to taste at a function. That glass of champagne and orange juice at the babyshower. The dog you helped up into the car. That dance the night before she died... so many what if, could haves, might haves. I know there were a few things i could have done better, but i loved my baby and wanted her so badly - i did more than most moms i know to keep her healthy and safe... and yet my body killed my baby at 38 weeks :( Some days i wish it had been me that died, and in a big way i did - a big part of me died with Colleen.

I hear you! The guilt is terrible. I feel I failed at the most important job of my life, to protect my child and keep him safe. I don't think this feeling (for me) will ever go away. I don't care how much people or my doctor tells me there was nothing I could have done to save him or that there wasn't anything I did wrong...I failed my son and that is hard to deal with.

Yeah, I'm pretty certain I killed my baby too. After she died, I was told I had a clotting disorder and I was on blood thinners this year while pregnant with my rainbow. But even without being on blood thinners with my angel, I made it past 40 weeks and I bet if I would have at least been drinking more water, my blood would have been thin enough to not kill her. Just the day before I went into labor, I was out walking in over 90 degree weather (it was July) because our car had broken down at a gas station not too far away from our home. I should have called someone to get me instead of walking in my jeans and t-shirt at 9+ months pregnant. I had just come from my last prenatal appt and NST and things were fine. But I didn't even drink a glass of water once I got home. Even had to change my clothes I was sweating so much. But I didn't even drink a glass of water. Really upsets me that something so simple could have made all the difference. I feel guilty AND stupid. :-(

I'm with you. Plus, I think a huge part of the guilt is that I didn't know that my babys wasn't living anymore. That part kills me. I wish I would have known. I would have gone in sooner. Maybe they could have saved her. I hope some of my guilt goes away, but the part where I didn't know will forever haunt me.

A day or two before my last doctor's appointment (where I found out there was no heartbeat) I noticed my daughter's movements were less noticeable. I am constantly running after a 2 1/2 year old and chalked it up to just not noticing. But after dinner one night I was nervous about the lack of big movements. I got out my trusty pregnancy book and read about the 37 week of pregnancy and on. I had my 2 year old at 36.6 weeks so I was starting to walk in unfamiliar territory. I read that the movement changes at this point and it would be smaller movements as the baby moves down and prepares for the birth. So that morning I tried to count movements while watching my daugther and I thought that I felt 10 small movements or swishes... again that night I did the same and thought the same. I don't think I did the counts the next day, and then the following day I had my doctors appointment. I mentioned the slowing of motion to the midwife and she said not to stress... Then she tried to find the heartbeat, which she could find. So what if I went to the hospital the day I noticed a lack of motion? Did my daughter slowly die or was what I thought was her moving just her body moving slightly. I will never know. My daughter was not healthy when she was born, so I try to tell myself that even if I had gone that day, she may not have made it anyway, but what if she did. I should have acted quicker. I never thought my lack of actions would lead to where I am now, but I would change it if I could and that gives me LOTS of guilt.

This is the saddest club to be a part of. Guilt is what's in my head and heart when I wake up and when I go to sleep. It's only been 27 days since my Jamie left me. I have probably thought of 10 different ways I killed him. I can't believe any of us have to be here in this day and age. Like life isn't hard enough being a woman. Hugs....

I was Sick The Morning I Noticed Marick Was Not Moving... I Layed On The Bed And did The test.. He was Active The Night Before. So i thought He Was Sleeping... I DId Everything perfectly.. Only Gained 30 Pounds. Ate Good Stayed Away from anything Bad and Walked and Took Good Care Of Myself....But In The End He Passed... He Was a Perfect 9.5 pound Baby boy who Had the Cord Around His Neck Once.... I Worked In the yard Like A Week Before We found Out and That Flashes In My Mind all The Time.... But I Know Deep In My Heart No Matter What I would Have Done His fate Was Sealed From The Moment He was created... Just Like Our's Is... We are all Mommy's and Daddy's To Angels... As Hard as It Is... My Spiritual Advisor Told Me Guilt Is The Devil's Way Of Keep You Away From The Faith In Your Heart That To Trust God.... In Some Way I Live My Life By That... I Hated More than Anything Holding My Dead Baby and Crying to Hear His Cry for Me.... I Hated How I came Home To An Empty Nursery I worked So hard On , I Hate Teh Way People Look At Us When We tell Them Our Son Passed Over, But I Do Find Comfort In Knowing That I Made It Thru, I Didnt Die In that Hospital and Leave My Husband without a wife or a son , So I DO take Comfort In knowing There is a plan For Me... And As bad As It sucks To Say that I Am a Mommy to An Angel Baby, I am

Guilt, right here! I feel guilty I didn't do formal kick-counting. I thought it was paranoia. My pregnancy was so normal and healthy throughout that I thought nothing could go wrong. She was my first. I am hard on myself that I didn't know the "warning signs" for distress sooner. It makes me feel stupid when people say, "yeah, they're very concerned about movement up until the end." Nobody had told me this and I didn't read anything about how important it is, but I did hear the old, "baby is too big to move around too much at the end." It doesn't help that I have a touch of perfectionism in me and that I am an ardent information-gatherer. My anger stems from my not having the critical information that I have now before she died.

So yes, anger, stupidity, guilt and self-blame. All of these things I have experienced - but only this month have I started to ease up on them. Because I realize that none of these feelings will bring her back and also, none of them are healthy for me. I want to be a person my daughter is proud of - one whom she looks down on and cheers me on. She changed my life.

I love you ladies! You just made me feel 110 times better!
I was worried what the response would be. I feel guilty too over working like crazy to clean her nursery with a huge pregnant belly. trying to walk around in 105 degree heat so much one day I almost passed out in an arby's. Thank you for making me feel better! *HUGS*

Yep I feel guilty too.

The Monday before I lost Eleanna I went fishing with my Dad. I had noticed some odd cramping but just chalked it up to "growing" a baby.

We had such a great Day we caught like 100 fish. Seriously, some were small, but yes 100 fish. I also pulled the boat in and such... Which may or may not had exacerbated things...

So, not only do I feel guilty about not noticing the strange feeling, but now my Dad feels guilty too. I know that he questions...what if I pulled the boat in & hooked it up etc.

All in all I have made peace with it. It honestly is one my best memories with my Dad. So, I try to focus on that and not the guilt about "doing too much" that day.

We all have it, it's like a cloud hanging over us. I happened to be reading my trusty book of hope tonight and one of the things it talked about was forgiving ourselves for things we have done "or think we have done." If God can forgive the murderers and rapists for their horrible sins, think about how carrying this guilt around is unnecessary. He wants you to hand it over to him. You didn't intentionally do anything wrong, but if you feel guilty anyway, try giving it to God. I only say this bc it has plagued me from day one and reading that tonight and then seeing this post told me I had to share what I had read. You have to forgive yourself, as hard as that may be, otherwise you are saying that you are not worthy of it, and you are.