I am waiting for some sort of consolation, like how can one go through such magnitude of sorrow, work so hard to stay sane and normal looking,. without expecting a reward at the end of it?

So my Sinza cannot come back, as much as I hate this fact, I know its true. But surely, there must be some consolation prize? I carried her for nine months, resigned my second job to cut down on my stress levels, carefully monitored my food calories against the pregnancy diet chart everyday, swallowed my prenatal vitamins, got all the jabs, did the pregnancy exercises, read five pregnancy books AND a blog, went to bed at the recommended hours- slept on my left side, was first patient at the antenatal clinic on the first Monday of a every month, carefully cut all the clothes labels off her dresses (in case she would have a sensitive skin- you just never know?), bought a car with tinted windows at the back, so the sun wouldn't hit on her as she nodded off in her padded car seat - and then she didn't get to breathe even once??? I mean come on, give this dog a bone, even a second grade one!
So there you have it, I am angry, and furous, this is just soo damn unfair! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhh!