Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

591 Members

6,628 Posts

0 Online

michaelamommy 09/06/2010

I was curious from other angel moms about how your husbands/boyfriends are a few months after your loss. I guess I'm trying to figure out my own husband because I'm starting to think that he's getting tired of the way I am now that we lost our daughter. I still cry alot (not everyday tough) and there are things that still trigger a breakdown, like pregnant women, newborn babies, and all that has to do with babies. At first he thought that I would be over this in a month, but now that its been over 3 months I'm still grieving and sometimes he acts like he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. I wonder if he's over it. He says he's not over it but actions speak louder than words and his actions tell me that he's far past it and ready for me to move on.
I'm ok with him wanting to move on, that's all we can really do, but I'm afraid that he'll become distant if he gets tired of me and my grieving. His family makes matters worse, they actually told him that I needed professional help because I cried at the funeral and burial. OMG! I just buried my daughter! They trivialize what happened, like it was no big deal, oh well "It happens" is what his mom said. My husband is very, very close to his family so whatever they say has major impact on his decisions and feelings.
He also told his sister that I'm STILL a mess about the baby. STILL? Its only been 3 months! Anyways I just wanted to know if this is normal for men. I know men grieve differently I just don't want to loose my husband but I'm still not ready to stop my grieving. What should I do?

deleted_user 09/06/2010

First of all u will grieve for a while I am sure and that is normal. No one should ever tell u that u need help or that u are taking too much time to grieve. My husband does not show his emotions like I do but I know he thinks about her and misses her through little things he does. He just got me an iTouch for my bday and he named it (when u register it) Olivia's iPod. I thought was really cute. Although he doesn't cry like I do I know he misses her bug there have been times that I wondered about how he felt but we just talked about it. You are doing what u need to to grieve and that's what u should do. :)

deleted_user 09/07/2010

I think you should talk to him about it. I had similar feelings - I thought based on my hubby's actions that he had moved on and was maybe getting tired of me bringing up Alexis all the time. I had asked him about going to a support group with me or doing counseling and he wasn't interested. I was really upset and thought well maybe he's gotten over it. We actually just talked about it this weekend and he admitted to me that he still has really bad days and how much he msises her and thinks of her and that this has been really hard on him too. But as a man he handles his grief in a different way - he chooses to pur himself into his work, and he tries to be strong for me. But he is hurting just as bad as I am. Hearing him say that really helped a lot. I NEEDED to know that it wasn't just me and that he still missed our baby just as much as I did. As for the counseling thing - it may not be a bad idea to look into it...while we will all grieve for our babies probably for a lifetime, it doesn't hurt to see a professional to help move you through the process in the healthiest way possible.

deleted_user 09/07/2010

Men grieve differently that we do, so I have seemed to notice. My boyfriend doesn't talk about Logan, unless I bring it up, and if I do bring it up, he'll eventually change the subject. I finally broke down one night and told him he made me feel like he doesn't hurt (even though deep inside I know he does), like he doesn't care. He opened up to me and told me how he hurt all the time, but that he can't stand to see me hurt and upset so he tries to stay strong for me. He says he thinks of Logan alot and he has his moments where he cries alone. It is just their way of coping with it. Also, even though they love them, they also never felt these babies live and grow as us mothers did. I know he loves Logan, he just has a different way of dealing with this.

deleted_user 09/07/2010

As a dad, I can tell you that I hurt all the time since my son died five weeks ago. But I try not to show my emotions much, because I don't want my wife to get any more upset than she already is. I try to keep things light and upbeat when I'm around her.
As some of you have stated, your husband/boyfriend is trying to be strong for you. They haven't forgotten the baby, believe me.

deleted_user 09/07/2010

I think men do grieve differently. At times I think my husband has moved on but then the other day when I woke up, I found him in Rylee's nursery crying alone. I think he is trying to be strong for me and not upset me more. You husband probably thinks what most men think, it is not manly to cry, they have to be tough, ect. I would just talk to him about it but also don't try to push him to talk and grieve. I have found that when I try to push my husband to talk, it just ends in an argument. It has gotten alot better for us because he is now ready to talk more. Try to be patient with each other. Hugs to you and your husband. I am here if you ever need to talk.

deleted_user 09/07/2010

Hi -at first my husband was as upset as I was - but he did make all the arrangements for me. He does not talk about Bryna much i know it makes him sad - This last week was Bryna's 1st birthday in heaven and I went and got balloons and let the kids release them. We took pictures and such and as we were leaving he was crying and he said I didn't think this would make me so sad. So I know that he does still grieve - not the same as I do but he does.

I agree that you should talk to him about the grief and the process of grief - it is not an easy thing to deal with - also his mother should keep her trap shut- it makes me so mad that people that have no idea think that they should have a say in how a parent grieves their own child.

Sorry that you are dealing with this at this time too-be gentle with yourself and take the time you need. Hugs

deleted_user 09/07/2010

Each father is different. My wife allows me to be sad and cry if I need too. We lost out daughter 7 weeks ago and I still think about her everyday. Today on the bus I shed a few tears. I believe that part of it depends on how your husband was raised. I was raised to suck it up and deal with it but my wife and 6yr. old son have shown me that it's acceptable to show my emotions.

michaelamommy 09/07/2010

Thanks to NickCarroll and Elizabeth's daddy for your replies, I'm excited to have a man's point of view on this. My husband was raised in a family where bad things are kept hushed and never talk about them. They portray themselves as the perfect family and focus only on the positive, which is a very good trait until something tragic happens. The loss of our baby has been the worst catastrophe of any of his family members and they just don't know what to do except sweep it under the rug and forget about it.

I really need my husband to be there for me and remember our daughter, I fefuse to let them trivialize my baby. I'm going to ask my husband to join DS, I think he need to other dads who have experienced the same loss.

deleted_user 09/08/2010

i don't know if you read my journal entry "From a father's heart" it is actually a entry from my hubby. He JUST now started to really greive. he has been trying to stay so strong for me over th past 4 months, that he did no treally figure out his own emotions. he is now writing for my blogs/journals, and is showing me that he has NOT forgotten our daughter, and he talks about her ALOT more!!! i thought he had moved on after the first 3 weeks, WOW was i wrong!!! your hubby may still be trying to be "strong" give him time, and let him know it is ok if he greives too....he sees you are still sad, and may not want to make u more upset.
((hugs))

3boysmommy 09/08/2010

Hi, men do grieve differently. I'm really sorry you are not getting the support needed from your hubby. In my case I've noticed my husband tries to put a strong front. The first few days after our son passed away I was amazingly strong and he was a wreck. I would hold him and comfort him and I would ask our families to be there for him since he needed it more. Now that 5 months have passed he is much stronger and I've weakened. He does ask me not to cry in front of our boys because he says I scare them. I wish he would be more understanding like I was of him. I wish you the best, Suzy

michaelamommy 09/08/2010

Suzy: My husband was also a complete mess right after our loss so I tried to be strong for him, then when he composed himself, I fell apart and have been ever since. He thinks I purposely hang on to grief. Why would anybody want to do that?

deleted_user 09/08/2010

You will never stop grieving. My husband loves me and I know that. I also know my husband well enough to excuse some of the things he says. He said to me the other day, "Tammy, I wish you could try and not think about it and move on like me."

I let those words go because I know for a fact that he thinks about Evelyn all the time. Sometimes I think people say things to ease our pain and think little about the consequences of their words.

Love,
Tammy
evelynrosefoundation.org

3boysmommy 09/08/2010

I'm so sorry he is making you feel that way. Have you considered grief counseling? Remember that you don't have to be strong for anyone. It is perfectly normal to feel the way you feel. Take time for yourself. I'm sending you my number if you need to talk.

tkizer 09/08/2010

My loss was four years ago. My husband grieved for the first month. After that, it's as if he has forgotten. I know that he hasn't, he's just buried it very deep.

He pretty much thinks I'm crazy for all of the things that I'm doing this year to remember her. He hasn't come out and said it, but I get the sense that he can't believe that I am still grieving. I could be completely wrong though.

Most men are just different in regards to grief and emotions. They say that men die at a younger age than women on average because they hold everything in.

Join the Conversation