Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
My wife and I had our first child on January 5, 2011. Our son, John Evan Levine, was stillborn to this world with his umbilical cord wrapped tightly around his neck twice, and it had a knot in it. I can go into the details of it all at a later time. In the meantime, today I am returning to work full-time, after being back part-time the last couple weeks. We have received a tremendous amount of support from friends, family, and co-workers.
However, my wife has lost all her zest for life. She spends everyday still fighting the tears, and has cried herself to sleep every night. We have been seeing a counselor every week, and she has also seen a special grief counselor a couple times since I returned to work. I do understand that we grieve differently, and I try to be strong around her while seeking the support I need for others. I was so much looking forward to watching the Super Bowl with my newborn son. But my wife keeps saying she just wants to die. All our dreams and plans moving forward were as parents. I have been able to "return to life as it was" prior to the expected baby and am getting through this. My wife has not been able to really even make 1 baby step towards returning to life. What can I do to help her? Is there anything that I should not do which could be detrimental to her mental recovery? I know this will be a long process, and we will try to have another child (hopefully soon, as we are both in our mid-30s). My parents were also devastated at the loss of their first grandchild. I am very frustrated and at a loss at how to help my wife get through this. She is doing everything she has been told to do when it comes to seeking out support and restoring her mental health, but nothing is even showing the slightest sign of really working at this point. Is it still too soon for even the first step of recovery to be taken? Any advice will be very welcome. Thank you!
Steve
However, my wife has lost all her zest for life. She spends everyday still fighting the tears, and has cried herself to sleep every night. We have been seeing a counselor every week, and she has also seen a special grief counselor a couple times since I returned to work. I do understand that we grieve differently, and I try to be strong around her while seeking the support I need for others. I was so much looking forward to watching the Super Bowl with my newborn son. But my wife keeps saying she just wants to die. All our dreams and plans moving forward were as parents. I have been able to "return to life as it was" prior to the expected baby and am getting through this. My wife has not been able to really even make 1 baby step towards returning to life. What can I do to help her? Is there anything that I should not do which could be detrimental to her mental recovery? I know this will be a long process, and we will try to have another child (hopefully soon, as we are both in our mid-30s). My parents were also devastated at the loss of their first grandchild. I am very frustrated and at a loss at how to help my wife get through this. She is doing everything she has been told to do when it comes to seeking out support and restoring her mental health, but nothing is even showing the slightest sign of really working at this point. Is it still too soon for even the first step of recovery to be taken? Any advice will be very welcome. Thank you!
Steve
I'm glad you're continuing to post and sharing your sadness with us.
It's so hard, not getting to do the things with our babies that we'd so looked forward to. Well, you've made it through the first one- the Superbowl!
My hubbie has things like that too. Our baby was due at the beginning of summer, and he was very excited about getting a small above ground pool, so he could teach our boy to be a 'water baby'. We got the pool anyway, and he's shed a few tears while floating in it without his son.
Men and women do grieve VERY differently. I spent months in bed, while my exhusband spent months drinking and lost in video games.
When it comes to your wife, get her to talk to you. Do whatever you can to get her to open up... Start by talking about how YOU feel.... Let her know her feelings are completely normal, that you feel them too.
My therapist taught me a very valuable lesson. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. No matter if she wants to scream and punch pillows, or curl up in a ball in the bed, her feelings are right for her at the time. Just make sure it doesn't turn into something worse, Deep depression can be hard to get out of, even with all the love in the world around you. Encourage her to talk about the baby. With friends, group therapy, church members, or join our wonderful little family on daily strength. Knowing that there were SO many other women feeling EXACTLY what I was feeling was more helpful than I could ever express.
One other thing that you may want to check into- At the hospital where your sweet angel was born, they should have a Parents' of angels support group. Inquire about a memorial ceremony - I waited till October 15th, MC SB awareness day, and we had a memorial service for all the babies that were born that year. Mommies and daddies shared stories, read poems, sang songs, or just sat and listened to everyone and at the end each couple (or just mommy, or just daddy, this was during my DH's deployment, so I was alone) get up, Say their angels name, and light a candle. It was beautiful, and very helpful to everyone who was there.
Give your wife as much time as she needs... There is a lot for you both to work through. But make sure to let her know whenever she wants to talk, or share, you are there for her, And she has a whole family of fellow angel mommies and daddies - ready to listen to her and offer her support!
If there is anything else you need, or you want to pass along my info, I'll message it to you, to give to her. I have been in this same boat for four years, and gotten through just fine! I know you both are stronger that you give yourselves credit, and I am adding you and your family to my prayers.
Hugs,
Meghan