Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
My wife and I had our first child on January 5, 2011. Our son, John Evan Levine, was stillborn to this world with his umbilical cord wrapped tightly around his neck twice, and it had a knot in it. I can go into the details of it all at a later time. In the meantime, today I am returning to work full-time, after being back part-time the last couple weeks. We have received a tremendous amount of support from friends, family, and co-workers.
However, my wife has lost all her zest for life. She spends everyday still fighting the tears, and has cried herself to sleep every night. We have been seeing a counselor every week, and she has also seen a special grief counselor a couple times since I returned to work. I do understand that we grieve differently, and I try to be strong around her while seeking the support I need for others. I was so much looking forward to watching the Super Bowl with my newborn son. But my wife keeps saying she just wants to die. All our dreams and plans moving forward were as parents. I have been able to "return to life as it was" prior to the expected baby and am getting through this. My wife has not been able to really even make 1 baby step towards returning to life. What can I do to help her? Is there anything that I should not do which could be detrimental to her mental recovery? I know this will be a long process, and we will try to have another child (hopefully soon, as we are both in our mid-30s). My parents were also devastated at the loss of their first grandchild. I am very frustrated and at a loss at how to help my wife get through this. She is doing everything she has been told to do when it comes to seeking out support and restoring her mental health, but nothing is even showing the slightest sign of really working at this point. Is it still too soon for even the first step of recovery to be taken? Any advice will be very welcome. Thank you!
Steve
However, my wife has lost all her zest for life. She spends everyday still fighting the tears, and has cried herself to sleep every night. We have been seeing a counselor every week, and she has also seen a special grief counselor a couple times since I returned to work. I do understand that we grieve differently, and I try to be strong around her while seeking the support I need for others. I was so much looking forward to watching the Super Bowl with my newborn son. But my wife keeps saying she just wants to die. All our dreams and plans moving forward were as parents. I have been able to "return to life as it was" prior to the expected baby and am getting through this. My wife has not been able to really even make 1 baby step towards returning to life. What can I do to help her? Is there anything that I should not do which could be detrimental to her mental recovery? I know this will be a long process, and we will try to have another child (hopefully soon, as we are both in our mid-30s). My parents were also devastated at the loss of their first grandchild. I am very frustrated and at a loss at how to help my wife get through this. She is doing everything she has been told to do when it comes to seeking out support and restoring her mental health, but nothing is even showing the slightest sign of really working at this point. Is it still too soon for even the first step of recovery to be taken? Any advice will be very welcome. Thank you!
Steve
On the flip side would you be willing to share your story with me for a play I am writing. I am only using the stories I recieve as reference points. No names will be given I will keep everyones privacy a priority. But it sure would be great to get a guys perspective on all this. Initial reactions, emotions, that sort of thing. If you are interested private message me and I will fill you in on the details. Also if you would like your child's name on the dedication page I would honored to add him. Just leave me his name and birthday.
Hope this helps.
My advise would be to listen to her no matter how many times she repeats herself. Try to do stuff together, I didn't leave my husbands side for weeks. Try to go to quite peaceful places where the two of you can be together and she can have her breakdowns if she needs to. Take walks.
Hang in there this is a long journey and please be gentle to yourself and your wife.
Don't worry about her crying, I cried every day for 2-3 months, then when I went back to work I cried all the way there and back again! I cry when I'm not expecting to, and then when I think I might, I don't. Grief has no pattern in my experience, and everyone has a different timescale for getting 'back to normal', although with John, things will never seem normal again... a baby changes a person, if it comes home or not. The mom is worse affected I think coz we spend 9months attending baby showers, going shopping, dreaming of future activities and being a mom. It's a constant thought process, we decorate the nursery, make everything perfect, and when this happens our whole life falls apart. Men tend to be more passive in expecting the baby, so don't reel quite so hard from the shock.
For me it's good to have occupation however small, and also to have a strong support network, that's why I joined this group. My friends who have children and the ones who've never had children are lovely, but they could never know what we go through, on DS I find ladies who help me feel I'm not alone. It's only been 3 weeks, there are women on here for whom it's been years, and still they have struggles. I know men like to fix problems, but this one you just have to live and to love. It'll get easier, but there's nothing you can do to fix anything.
(Actually I'm 37, so I'm terrified I wont get another chance, and I understand about you wanting to have another baby as soon as you can).
It's truly heartbreaking, but it's good that you're posting here and looking for ways to support your wife.
Your wife, as you no doubt are aware, will be going through big hormonal changes that every woman goes through post birth. Add that with grief, and that's why we cry for months! It's really been such a very short time since you lost your baby.
It's so confusing for our bodies- all geared up to be nursing the baby we've grown and carried, and then just nothing.
For the first weeks I would often cry in my sleep, and my hubby tells me I would cry out over and over "I want my baby".
I also stuck to my hubbies side. I wouldn't need him to say anything in particular, it was just his physical presence that was soothing. Being able to just cry, without him trying to cheer me up or 'fix' it, and without him getting frustrated with me, was so important. Have you tried not being strong around her, and letting her see your grief, sharing that grief together? Sometimes the strongest thing a man can do, is to reveal his vulnerability to his wife.
It will be hard for your wife with you going back to work, that's inevitable.
Going back to work for you, I presume, was probably always the plan when your baby was a few weeks old? So for you, that routine was what you were expecting. Your wife was expecting to be a busy mother when you went back to work.
The house will feel quiet and empty, when there's meant to be a crying baby. She will be feeling lost, without a purpose. And really, it's probably too early to be expecting your wife to be 'taking even 1 baby step towards returning to life'.
Perhaps help her organise different friends to visit when you're at work. As well as filling the house with 'life', they can take her to soothing places (not malls, shops etc- too many mums with young bubs there!).
It may be really hard for your wife to reach out and ask friends to keep her company, but it's really important. We found the support really started to drop off after the first month (the regular calls, flowers etc). But your wife will be needing her friends presence more than ever, so if she can't call them through the tears, would you feel comfortable calling some and asking them to sort out a 'roster' of company for the next few weeks?
It's best if she finds something too keep 'out of her head'. I found doing art really helpful. Go buy her some acrylic paints and some cheap canvases she can just splash paint on. (or encourage her in any crafts etc she may already be interested in).
I hear your frustration, but really, you'll just have to summon up a whole lotta patience sorry ; )
To re-iterate; your wife is going through massive physical changes- daily crying at this stage is normal. If "nothing is really showing any signs of working at this point", it may be that your wife just needs to keep crying (it's like letting a wound drain)- and getting frustrated with her, and wanting her to get 'better' now, is just not going to help, and may hurt her.
The tears ARE the first steps of recovery. Letting her see your tears, may help her feel less alone in her grief, and sharing your tears can bring your closer.
x
I have to say the hormones don't leave the body for at LEAST six weeks, possibly far more. For me, that meant extreme emotional swings, crying at the drop of a hat, feeling exhausted, not being able to sleep or really eat which made all the other stuff worse...these symptoms did fade over time, so I know it was partly my body playing these tricks on me.
However, as a woman carrying a baby, getting to know the baby from within, and losing that baby it is even more of a mental game. We have to do so much for nine months and our body and mind are preparing to do even more for the rest of our lives, and then all in one second it is taken away. I know fathers feel many of these emotions, but they are not so intricately connected to daily reminders from the mom's body. I felt my baby kick for about a month after he was born...milk came in for a couple weeks...don't forget the bleeding, the pain, the recovery, all those physical reminders only serve to trigger mental breakdowns because at least it would be tolerable if there was a screaming baby to keep us occupied!
I wouldn't say it is too soon for the first steps to be taken, but I might say that it is too soon for those steps to show any progress. I wouldn't be surprised if it worked tomorrow and I wouldn't be surprised if it took two more months to see that first flicker of life come back. I would continue supporting your wife (obviously) and offering her those outlets such as therapy, and I would just try your best to be patient as well because it will take a lot of time. It must be torture not knowing what to do, but it sounds you are doing what you can and just having you there is a huge comfort. My husband always said " I don't know what to do" and I assured him that just sitting with me or hugging me was plenty because there just wasn't anything else that could be done.
It has been over six months for me and I still can't tell my story to people because I just cry so hard that the words cannot be understood. I am able to discuss my son with my family and close friends who got to know the story and want to know about my baby, but telling new people is still not in the cards. I have found solace in a couples support group if you think that would help. Meeting others who have been there is great healing.
Oh wow, good luck. We are here for you.
Everyone grieves differently and reaches each stage of grief at different times. I bought a book "Grieving the Loss of a Child". It helped me to recognize my own stages of grief and also let me know where my husband was in the grief process.
I am so sorry that you have to be a member of this kind of support group, but Welcome. I hope your wife finds us soon!!
Ashley
You are already doing something extraordinary for your wife and that is taking the extra step to make sure you are giving her support. I don't want to overwhelm you with advice right now, but even if you read some of the posts and journals from some of the DS members, you will get a sense of what your wife is going through. I read some of the other ladies posts and would swear that I wrote it. Although our situations are different and the way we deal with our grief is different, many of our experiences and feelings are so similar.
Please encourage your wife to join. It could be a wondeful support.
Please do encourage her to join. Even if she only reads, there is comfort in knowing you arent alone. When we lost our daughter Brenna at 38 weeks on Dec. 8 (born Dec. 11), my husband and I felt so very alone. Our family and friends initially were there to support us, but they couldnt understand what we were going through and we didnt know anyone else who experienced this kind of loss. We felt like freaks of nature that our healthy baby just died. The wonderful people on this site have been a tremendous help and support. We now know we arent alone.
I also felt (and feel) very, very responsible even though everyone told me that there was nothing I could have done to save her. Mommy guilt is awfully potent. Because the baby is inside us and we are told the importance of eating, sleeping, exercising and living right to ensure the babys health, it is hard not to internalize all the blame when they die. Your wife may be feeling that even if she isnt verbalizing it. So do continue to be kind and patient with her.
It is too soon to expect much progress. And from what I understand, it isnt so much about recovering as it is learning to live with the hurt that will always be there. In the meantime, let her know that you dont blame her and that you are in this together. Tell her often that you love her.
As women, were generally more emotional and have a need to communicate our hurteven if that means crying because there arent any words. And sometimes we do feel like dying because even though our babies are gone, the instinct to protect them and nurture them isnt. We want to be with them.
I think it is wonderful that you are trying to help your wife. Hold her when she cries, let her know you are hurting too and allow her to grieve at her pace. You too. This is hard for you both.
Also, reading journal entries from other members of this group has helped me in many ways, including understanding that I am not alone in what I am feeling and experiencing. Because many of us restrict our journals so they can be read by friends only, I encourage you to invite and accept friends. This group has been a Godsend for me. I hope you find peace and comfort too.
Honestly, just talk to her, and listen. You don't even have to say a word but hold her if she cries. And later down the road help her to remember your son in positive ways instead of pretending it didn't happen. And really really help her see that it wasn't her fault that he passed away. If you see enough posts here you'll know that women blame themselves alot and theres a tremendous amount of guilt, so make sure she knows you don't blame her.
Good luck, i'll pray for you both.
You definitely need to ask your wife to log on. It will help tremendously.
HUGS!!!
N.
I am not going to write a lot because these lovely ladies have said a lot of meaningful things. They are wonderful.
I can only add that all of the firsts are terrible and the more you keep trying new things it slowly gets better. I can now go to the store and not cry and have to leave. I am starting to love looking at my little Alexander's pictures. I have a long way to go and I think one of the hardest things is coming up and that is finishing the headstone. I hate thinking about it.
Take things slow. Sorry to say it is something you will never get over but, you can move on.
Take care and God bless you both.