Hi everyone. So I decided to go back to work part time next week. Next week will be 6 weeks since we had our Jameson by C-section. I'm lucky that my work is so willing to let me create my own schedule and they are letting me do administrative work so I will still be getting rest. I'll just be answering phones and call backs and stuff like that. I'm a CMA and would rather be working more hands on and on the floor but I will get back to that. However, I would rather just have to see all the patients and get all the questions done and over with about having Jameson. I wasn't planning on going back to work at all until January 3rd; but we are broke and we really need the extra money before Christmas. After a lot of thought I decided going back part time between now and January 3rd will be good then on the 3rd I will go back full time. How did everyone else handle going back to work? I have seen my co-workers a few different times now and some of them just look at me with these sad eyes and I know they just want to say something but dont know what to say. It makes things a little awkward and I hope that it doesn't last for to long after I go back. I just want to have something be a little normal and I need to get back to some type of routine. I don't think that sitting at home all day is doing me all that much good any more. I just want my co-workers to treat me like they did and let me talk about Jameson when I want. I want them to listen and just be there for me when I want them to be. I want to be able to have a normal conversation with them though that isn't always about what I'm going through. Sometimes I just get tired of telling everyone the same thing over and over. Part of me just wants to go back to work tell everyone at the same time what all happened and where everything stands with not having any cause and everything. I was talking to a couple of the ladies today and it was nice but weird. I havent talked much about all of this outloud to many people. Everyone at my work is just a little down right now though between me and 2 of the ladies husbands died within the last 6 weeks too. The one lady's husband was the PA at the office so we are all grieving the loss of him right now too. I think going back to work will be great for me though in the long run.... I'm terrified to know how next Monday will go though. Im anxious and scared and nervous. I know I will still get questions from patients on the phone about what we had and everything and I'm getting prepared for the answer about us having a boy who was born an angel but I don't know how to handle the dreaded silence that follows with a very sympathetic "I'm sorry". I have a feeling that I'm going to eventually become numb to my response and to the response I get in return. Sorry I ramble on a lot but this has been my outlet for a lot of things. I have only seen a grief counselor once and I want to see someone different.... someone a little more professional who will listen better and who will be able to explain why I feel about some lifetime issues. I was a twin and my mom had us 6 weeks early and my sister died 2 days after we were born. I was in the NICU for 4 weeks before I even got to come home. I have a lot of esteem issues and how my life was different from my living siblings and how my parents handled her death so much more differently than how I am and want to handle my emotions and things about losing Jameson. Anyhow, I don't think anyone here will know anything about issues I have being the child that lived when I wasnt suppose to. Sorry, thanks for letting me get this all out.