Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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huntersma 01/27/2012

Well the calendar says January 30th...What does that mean to me? Absolutely nothing! I have no clue where I am at this point. Hunter has been gone for a little over 2.5 months and I have now moved into the state of nothingness! What does that mean??? I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, I don't feel joy, I don't feel enthusiam for anything...I feel nothing. I just feel completely empty! People call to check on me and I have nothing to say, because I have nothing to tell them that is exciting or new. I work simply because I know that I need to maintain my job to pay bills, I cook because I know that my body needs nutrition, shower because it is what I should do...If it were my choice I would rather do none of this. All I feel like I want to do is sleep. Have I now moved into a state of depression with this feeling of nothingness? Is this my mind protecting me, because it is simply just too overwhelmed to deal with all of the daily reminders, thoughts, and tears? I don't know what to do anymore with myself. Am I just going plain crazy now? I know I should find joy in having my dad everyday because of his current diagnosis with cancer, however all I want to do is distance myself from the situation. Distance myself from the possiblity of loss. My best friend called to tell me that they found a spot on her liver yesterday that she now has to undergo additional testing. I don't want to be a bad friend, however just have nothing to give in the way of support. My cousin emailed me to tell me about what is troubling her in her life and I have nothing to say. I just feel like I have nothing to contribute and nothing to say. Nothingness..Is this even an emotion? or am I now just completely lost my mind?

fulloflight 01/27/2012

I don't think you are ging crazy, but you do sound a bit depressed. I am having a really "feeling nothing" day today, too. It is strange and kind of scary. I think it is our bodies' way of giving us a break from the 'active grief'.

I totally get why you are distancing yourself for 'protection' and feeling like you have nothing to give anyone. My neighbor was talking to me yesterday about her son whi has pneumonia (he has very special needs so ilness is always serious for him), and I really wanted to be empathetic but I just felt like walking away from her. I don't want to hear anyone's bad news nor because I don't care, but just because it makes the world seem like too scary and bad of a place.

Do you think it would help you to tallk to a professional? I am toying with thst idea myself but not sure yet.

((((HUGS))))

huntersma 01/27/2012

Thank you for responding and making me feel like I am not going crazy. I know that I am depressed and having a very hard time with this loss. I have been seeing a counselor and she thought it would be a good idea for me to go on medication, however I don't want to do that because at some point soon we would like to try again. Most medications take a while to take an effect on your body so by the time it takes effect we would like to be trying again. As scary as that thought is right now. I have been doing everything I can to feel better, but just doesn't seem to be working.

AmberQ32 01/27/2012

I totally agree and feel the same way. Its like everything else in the world doesn't mater... Nothing matters. Its like everything else is insignificant. You do what u have to just because u simply have to do it.
I know we r not alone but I feel so alone most of the time. We lost Jameson 12 1/2 weeks ago and the grief seems so fresh some days. Idk. I just feel like my whole life sucks and nothing is important. I also feel like people are forgetting him and are not realizing how much I'm still grieving.
I hope things get better for you! Thinking of you!
Hugs!

deleted_user 01/27/2012

I know exactly how you feel right now. I find myself just constantly watching the clock and wondering why the time is just moving along so slowly. I don't know what to do with myself and from sun up to sun down, I'm just waiting until I can go to sleep and stop thinking. I have racing thoughts but no emotion most of the time. You're not alone there... I agree with you that it's a defense mechanism your brain has set up for some relief from the pain. It's frustrating though because I feel like I'm heartless and cold, but sometimes I just can't let myself break down because I can't handle it anymore. It won't last forever... :) Pain will return but so will so many other good emotions eventually...
Take care of yourself and I'm around all day so if you ever want to talk... :)
*hugs*

deleted_user 01/27/2012

I understand how you feel. I have recently returned to work because I felt like it was what I should do. Sometimes it's like I go through the motions because I need to or it's expected of me. I listen to people's life events and say what I think they want to hear but I find it so hard to really give back. Sometimes all I can do on DS is read posts and think about how I understand but can't find the right words to say. I'll go to the gym or to a yoga class because even though it's the last thing I want to do some days, I know I should - it will help me get back in shape and help with my depression...these simple things can be so hard.

Not all days are like this but the past few have been rough. I remember people telling me that grief is circular and not linear, which makes perfect sense. I keep going around and around, back and forth with my emotions.

Some people benefit from medication but some people just need to ride the grief out. You will know what's best for you. I have chosen to ride it out because my husband and I recently starting TTC and I want to be as healthy as possible for when it happens.

I hope the numbness slowly gets replaced with some true feelings of peace, happiness and positivity. Thinking of you and sending you a big hug :)

deleted_user 01/28/2012

i dont think you are going crazy either. seven months out on this thing we all know now as life and every day is still hard. i feel the same way you do i go to work and school and interact with people becuase it is expected but not because its what i want to do. I have distanced myself from some people and it seems like even more people have distanced themselves from me......these days i wonder if anyone would even miss (besides the hospital bill collectors) if i were gone, no one calls anymore and i cant really say that i mind it becuase like you i have nothing new or exciting i just miss kenli...... i'm sorry that you are feeling this way and im sorry that i cant promise that it gets better because for me it really hasnt. the world is a scary sad place for us and for those people who havent experienced anything like this they just cant get it

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