Hey Martha I need advice on this topic aswell as I know if I started to take anxiety tablets I dont think id be able to stop myself if they make me feel even a little bit better with the toughts of Christmas around the corner my heart is just broken and I miss my boy so much tomorrow will be six months on since Ben has passed away and people say it gets easier with time but I think its harder as time goes on xx

I hear you Antoinette......

Again I took the prescription medicine and I was fine..... didn't cry yesterday at all...... today I am feeling down again..... I don't know whether if it good or not to be taking this pills to make me feel better. I don't want to depend on prescription medicine to go on with my life after Eli..... Why why why wny???????? do we have to go through this...and like you said it's not getting any better for me...... I have to be busy 100% in order for me to be ok.... not fine but ok.....
I miss my little boy to.... just as much as you miss Ben :0(

I can understand what you are going through. for me i think after loosing my baby i am a different person now. i could never be happy ever again. although i cant go to a therapist and also i dont have any support from friends or family except my husband who now after about 2 months just dont want to listen to me speaking just about our son. he want me to be normal again. but i cant stop crying when i am alone. at times i wish i can get a prescription that can help me feel better but it will be just a temporary relief. losing a baby can never ever be forgotten and the feelings of depression and anxiety will be now a part of our lives. this is what i have made me understand and that now i have to live with it. also the online support groups have helped me a lot knowing that we are not alone and that the fact that we are special mothers with angel babies - the babies who were so pure that they were born directly in the heaven makes me feel better. also you can start some thing new to remember your baby like i have made a blog with my babies name and i write articles. it makes me feel that my baby is alive.

Dear ladies, I have never joined a support group before but I have been reading your posts for the last few days and I really felt the need to reach out to you mothers who are in the midst of the most unbearable pain. Let me start by saying that I have walked, stumbled, crawled down the road you are on right now, it's a road I'll be on for the rest of my life but 12 years on it's pretty smooth with just a few bumps. My sweet baby girl, Jane was born on Aug 9th 2002. At 24w5d. I had known for 3 days before she was born that she had died, I had a check up and there was no heartbeat anymore, that moment changed my life forever, it was truly a most horrifying shock. No explanation, no baby anymore, no hope, just nothing. I held her, took photos, admired her tiny features, counted her little fingers and toes and went home empty handed in a numb daze. My husband was, of course devastated also, a great support and tower of strength but we were gutted, she was our first child, we'd been married a year. I remember very vividly being where you are now, the terrible feelings of loss, confusion, frustration and of course anger. People told me time would heal or I'd get over it, or I could have another baby, but you know what , I didn't want to heal, I knew I'd never get over it and yes, maybe I could have another baby, but I wanted THIS baby, I could never have THIS baby again, I was absolutely crushed. I couldn't walk down the street for weeks without bursting into tears. It hurt to see other mothers with their babies. I couldn't escape the pain, even in my sleep I had dreams about Jane, none of the dreams were good, I call them my guilt dreams. Let me say, I don't think anyone really gets over a loss like this but I have learned to live with it, the experience has been incorporated into my life, and it is part of who I am. Everything changed for me that day in 2002, I'm a different person than I was before my little baby Jane left , not better, not worse just different. I wanted to tell you that I remember feeling how you all do, I know I have experienced all of the emotions and thoughts that you have expressed in your posts. You're entitled to be sad and angry and crushed. You need to cry and scream and yell, and yes it is unfair, so very unfair. As for how I got through it, well there was no quick fix, I leaned on my husband, yelled at him, told him I wanted to die so I could be with our baby and felt every emotion under the sun. As I have travelled further down the road the pain has dulled, it took time, lots of time. I will never forget my little Jane but I have been able to move forward with my life. On the first Christmas without her I made a remembrance stocking and we hung it on the tree, every year since, I buy a special ornament for the Christmas tree, we will put 12 of Janes ornaments on the tree this year, my children fight over who gets to hang their sisters stocking on the tree. Just hang in there ladies, I don't know if this post will help any of you at all, I understand that right now it seems like there's no light at the end of that dark tunnel you're in, but there is, really there is you just can't see it . You will, it will come, little by little it will get brighter and as unbelievable as it sounds right now, eventually you will have more good days than bad. I suppose I should stop writing now but I forgot to say how sorry I am that you don't have your wonderful little babies in your arms. Sending hugs and caring thoughts and wishes to you all.

I take long walks, everytime I feel like I am going crazy, I put on my sneakers, and get out of the house.....
I was prescribed pills but I never took them (and my story is the pits cause my husband left me in my first trimester, she was my only child, passed at 38 weeks, I live alone, and four moths after her birth my dad also died)...it was a personal choice..i kew myself better thanmy dr. knew me, and I knew that I could cope without pills, my way. I am still here, 10 months on...I cry and fel bad as can be expected, but I havent become clinically dpressed. I also went back to work three weeks after her birth to keep myself busy.
Its your choice, only you can tell whether or not you can survive without the pills, and its not a weakness if you feel you need them.

Thank you for sharing fuzzypeach9. I'm new here and it's comforting to hear that people are able to get through this. I will never forget or stop missing my son, but I am glad to hear that there is a light at the end of this long tunnel. Sometimes it feels impossible. It just hurts so much.

Thanks ladies, and thanks Fuzzypeach........... You described every emotion I feel right now. I wish I was 6 ft underground. Losing my first baby has changed me completely.... and yes my husband does get mad at me from time to time as well.... He tells me he wants me to be the happy cheerful person I used to be before Eli.... but how can I be the same when part of my life.... my most precious dream of being a first time mother was taken away from me sooooo sooooon.
I took the pills once and I was perfectly fine..... again I wouldn't want to be or get addicted to prescription drugs... or get some other bad habits......
I drink wine from time to time..... able to stop myself.... tell myself this is not me......
But there are just so many unpleasant emotions..... I wish they would all disappear..... I know I will never forget Eli.... and this holidays I know will be the worst holidays in my life..... I hope one day I can be able to be ok..... Thanks for sharing :0( And I am sorry for your losses too.
Jane will be so pround of you mommy.... thanks for your support.....

Hugs,
Eli's Mommy, Martha

I've been on Paxil for the last 2.5 months. Not a big dose, just 20mg to take the edge off. It has helped a lot, not because it numbs my feelings but because it has helped with the physical symptoms of grieving and it has helped me to be able to sleep at night. I was displaying physical symptoms where it felt like I was on an adrenaline rush the whole time. Just being able to sleep has made such a difference in being able to cope. I was taking sleeping tablets for a while as well. I've stopped using the sleeping tablets and am now weening myself of the Paxil. I haven't had any alcohol and I don't intend to. With what we're going through I'm also scared of creating a dependency on anything. Luckily I have a friend who is a Pharmacist who helped me to feel comfortable with the medicine and she also explained that the anti-depressant and sleeping tablets are habit forming but only with prolonged use. If we educate ourselves and on the advise of our Doctors and Pharmacists I don't think we have anything to be afraid of when it comes to needing medication to help. For the first while at least I think we need to do whatever we can to keep our sanity.