I finally had the courage to write my thank you cards out today. Its been 4 weeks and I felt bad and thought people would begin to think I was ungrateful for all the things they have done for us. I went and had a cookie tray made up for the OB nurses that took care of me too and wrote out nice little cards and gave them a little picture of our baby Quinn. Well I know why I have been avoiding it because just writing out the cards made me cry my eyes out. Once I got myself together I went to hospital and took the elevator up to the 5th floor. I was fine and dandy and then the elevator opened and I walked up to the OB desk and I lost it again. I was just standing there in front of the unit secretary with a tray of cookies and cards and I couldnt even tell her what I was there for. It was awful. I finally squeeked out a few words and she buzzed me back. The nurses that were there were not even the ones that took care of me but I just had to thank them and tell them how grateful I was for all they had done for me while I was a patient there. It was so hard being there in the area where it all happened and where we lost our little girl. AAAAHHHHHH, its just all coming back. I thought I had buried it deep enough and that I was "over" it but it still just hurts sooo bad sometimes. Ive been ok for a couple weeks now and today is the first time Ive REALLY cried in a while. I guess its just so up and down and day by day. I guess certain triggers just bring it all back and no matter how much we think were ok were really not. Its only been 4 weeks 2 days 10 hours and 5 minutes but who's counting so I guess Im allowed to be up and down with my feelings. I just wish it never happened, it seems to have messed so much up and my happy, easy going, semi-worry free life is over forever. Ill always have this in my past and all the what ifs and could have beens. It just SUCKS, sorry! Oh and at the Memorial Day parade I saw an older lady that I knew and her sister was sitting beside her. My friend asked me how I was doing and then her sister leaned over to her and I heard her whisper something like "is she the one"? So now I feel like people are pointing at me, talking about me, pitying me and whatever. I dont know how to deal with that. I dont like to stand out, Im not comfortable with lots of attention and now that this happened am I always going to be the "the one". I dont want to go back to work because the first couple of days people are going to give me that "look". You all know the one, the pity look. I know everybody will just be trying to be nice and they dont know what else to do and say and honestly I would do the same thing if it were me. And I really dont know how I want them to act or what I want them to say. I just want this to all go away and for me to still be pregnant and to be looking forward to my due date in September and for everything to just be back to normal like it was a month ago before this all happend. Is that too much to ask!!!! :) Sorry for the all the venting. I thought I was keeping things pretty together up until today. Now I just feel mad and sad and I feel like screaming and yelling and crying and punching etc. Again Ill say, IT JUST SUCKS!!!!!!!!!
Anyways, thanks for listening

Wendy