Hello everyone. I hope you are all trying to make the best of the holidays. I will apologize now that this will seem like rambling but I am still not able to always get my thoughts in the right order. Anyhow, I went to my dr yesterday because I had a lot of questions building up that I felt I should have the answers to but was never given. As some of you know I have been having an issue with this office all month over a few different instances. So just wanted to share my questions and answers to see if anybody know anything that they can add or share.
My questions (not in any particular order)
1) What all tests were actually done? At the hospital they tested my blood for anticardiolipin antibodies, lupus anticoagulant, CMV, TSH, and bleeding time. Then yesterday they also ordered additional blood work for protein c, protein s, homocysteine level, methyltetrahydrafolate, and factor 5 leicen. They also tested the chromosomes and did placental cultures. (we did not have an autopsy done)
2) Did Jameson experience any suffering when he passed? The dr said she really didnt believe that he suffered at all.
3) How did my one test out of 3 (done the Monday before Jameson died) come back positive for amniotic fluid? (I went to the hospital because I thought my water had broke and I just didn't feel right in general) She said it could have been a false positive because of urine or a couple other things that change the Ph level (which is really what the paper test things tests for.
4) What about my apt the Wednesday before Jameson died... the MA had a very hard time finding his heartbeat. Could that have been a sign eventhough that was a common issue? She said that some people just have a difficult time finding the heartbeats and because we were so far in our pregnancy that there was no way that they picked up mine and not his. (I don't remember even hearing his heatbeat for sure that day... part of me feels the MA just made up a number because she was getting frustrated in not finding it)
5) Why did she (the dr we saw yesterday was the dr who delivered Jameson) think Jameson passed away on Friday (it wasnt confirmed until Sunday that there was no heartbeat and he wasn't delivered until the following Tuesday... now I suffer with the fact that I carried him around dead for 2 days without realizing it because I was to busy to notice :'( She said that because of the damage to his skin and the fluid that he retained. She didn't believe that there was any way that he died after Friday. I'm having a very hard time processing the answer to this particular question.
6) What about how I had so many contractions before delievery? I had contractions picked up at every NST apt for 5 1/2 weeks (at one point they gave me an injection to stop my contractions) She said it was just Braxton Hicks and so that was all normal. Which lead to my next question.
7) Why wouldn't the nurses tell me when I had contractions when I would ask because I was trying to figure out what were contractions and what was Jameson moving around. (This was my first pregnancy so I had no idea what contractions felt like... I really still dont know because I was in shock and on so many meds. When my epidural did stop working it was jus the most intense pain I ever felt in my life and I couldn't breath and I was sobbing which made it even more difficult to breath. But I don't remember feeling what would have been contractions... I only just felt pain. Jameson never dropped past a stage 0 and I never got past 3cm. Therefore, I just ended up getting a c-section) Sorry got off track, she said that a lot of people will fake contractions and try to make them seem worse and will "play up" the severity just to be able to try to be induced or have their babies earlier. She said next time (if there is a next time) to explain to the nurses why I want to know and they can tell me and help me figure out the difference.
8) Is it possible that I had gotten BV while I was pregnant (because I got diagnosed with it a few weeks after I delievered) She stated that they would have noticed if my discharge changed (but I'm not convinced since it was not actuall tested for at all after they test for the group b strep)
9) Could my gestational diabetes be a main cause for Jameson's death? If so how? What about me smoking prior to pregnancy? Taking Chantix? Being overweigh? She said my sugar levels were always pretty good at one point they got just a little high and I was put on a low dose of glyburide and that made my levels come down. However, she said that they were never terrible out of control my highest ever was I think 180 and that was before the prescripton. So basically no she didn't think my diabetes caused his death at all because my levels were well controlled. She said since I had quit smoking as soon as I found out I was pregnant that it was early enough that it didn't cause his death either. She explained how smoking causes smaller vessels and can lead to the risk of having smaller babies; but with Jameson's size it was clearly not an issue at any point because he was a large baby (8lbs 13oz) Same with the Chantix, since I had only been taking it for 4 days when I found out when I was pregnant and immeditely quit taking it there would have been no cause linked back to that either. Now to my weight... my weight didn't cause his death either because I was very careful with how much weight I had gained (I only gained 31 lbs in my whole pregnancy... for those of you who don't know, as i should have said before now, sorry, I had Jameson at 40 weeks) But, my weight (and genetics) would have been my cause for getting gestational diabetes which can be a cause for stillbirth eventhough she didn't think that had anything to do with Jameson's death.
10) With what was stated above, I then asked how much weight I should lose to make a difference in my health before ttc again? She said to try to lose around 50 lbs to decrease my chances of having gestational diabetes again (which is currently 10-15% higher than most people and thats on top of me already being at high risk for gestational diabetes)
11) Why was I always so exhausted? I was ALWAYS tired through my entire pregnancy. It didn't matter if I slept 12 hours a night every night, I was still tired. I did have low iron which they knew from my 1st pregnancy blood work which they do in the 1st trimester and I had started taking an iron supplement immediately at that time. She said that for some women pregnancy just makes them that tired the whole time because it is a lot of work on your body.
12) What precautions would be taken in another pregnancy? She said we would have a biophysical profile done every week starting at 32 weeks. Regardless of if I had gestational diabetes again or not we would have 2 NST's a week starting at 28 weeks. They would do my glucose test at 20 weeks instead of 28 weeks and they would also do some extra blood tests. We would also be able to just schedule a c-section t 38 weeks and that we would have to be scheduled before 39 weeks. Now put all of that on top of the extra regular ob appointments that we would have because our next pregnancy is automatically high risk now. She also said if they think that there is even an inkling that something is going wrong then they would admit me to the hospital for 24-7 monitoring. Oh and they would also do doppler studies.
13) Should we see a specialist for our next pregnancy? How long should we wait for another pregnancy? She said wait a year before ttc because it takes your body a year to return to normal after a c-section. She said we can see a specialist if we want but she didn't think that they would do anything any different then how they would handle our next pregnancy because they cant find a cause so there is nothing to try to prevent or a real reason for a specialist. (I have no idea how to feel about this. I like the ob practice. there are 4 dr's and a crnp. however, i do not like the one dr or the crnp. They have both made me to mad to just get over how they handled certain things. Also I wanted to go to the hospital Thursday night and be induced Friday and the hospital was "too busy" and I didn't go to my NST at the end of that week either because they were "too busy" and I couldnt get seen until late Saturday and me and the nurse agreed that it was not kinda pointless since I was going in on Sunday. I, of course, greatly regret this decission now. Anyhow, this is the hospital that my dr's work out of and I just don't know if 1) I can go back to the same place I had Jameson at and 2) if I can go through all of this if there is a next with a hospital and staff that are always "too busy" However, my husband did point out to me that since we would be high risk then they would always have to make the time for me. If I switch dr's then that means having to travel to Pittsburgh for every appointment which is atleast 45 minutes one way and an take 3 times longer than that if traffic is bad and I dont know how I feel about possibly going into labor and having to get to a hospital so far away. I guess I really don't have to worry about all of that right now though.
14) What all should I do before ttc again? She said make sure I start taking vitamins as soon as we start ttc, lose weight (which affects your ability to conceive in the 1st place and is what probably caused my epidural to quit working because it slid out of place, which i just found out for sure of that yesterday because she said how they had to redo a spinal for my c-section. She also said to make sure to avoid risks to pregnant women just as a precaution incase I would be pregnant... things like not getting x-rays and avoiding certain medications.
15) I also asked her what the odds were of it happening again. She said very small and unlikely to happen at all because the odds are so small to begin with that the chance of it happening twice is even more small. My response was how it was already so small to happen once that nobody will ever be able to convince me that a second time is not just as possible.

Other things I told her about was the office's incompetent staff and their inabiility to do anything in a timely manner and how I didn't appreciate things that were said to me and how things were handled. For example I called them last Thursday for a sleeping pill and they didn't take care of it until late Monday afternoon. She looked in my chart and said how the staff wrote in my chart that I called Monday morning and never documented that I had called last Thursday. I also told her about the crnp taking a week to call me back. I also gave her he information on how to obtain a birth certificate resulting in stillbirth. Someone had posted on here the states where they are available and PA was one of them so I figured the office would know how I could get one the crnp answer to me in regards to getting a birth certificate was "I was just talking to the girls and there is no way for you to get a birth certificate THAT BABY never took a breath and so you can not get a birth certificate." I was soooooooo pissed "THAT BABY" is MY son and HE has a name! I was so angry that she said that and even more angry that she made me so mad because I did like her before that point and she is the one that told us there was no heartbeat an she spent a lot of time with us and cried with us several different times. She is the only one I saw every day throughout my entire hospital stay. But between that comment and her taking so long to call me back I just can't get over it. Then on Monday when I called the office this week and had to leave a message to make an appointment I said that I wanted an apt I wanted it with the dr who delievered Jameson (however any of the drs wold have been fine) and I didnt want my apt with the crnp because I didn't feel that she would be able to answer all of my questions, I wanted atleast a 45 min apt, i wanted my records from the hospital available for my apt and I wanted it this week before Christmas in hopes that I would be able to find some peace before the holidys. The girls that work in the office really had the crnp call me back. I was really mad then. Seriously who does that!

Anyhow, I have had a lot of issues with this office; however, I really like a lot about this office too. I now have to question my ability to 1) even want to get pregnant again 2) if I can deal with the hospital again 3) can I deal with this office again

Oh, and the dr said she truly believes in her gut that Jameson had leaned on his cord at some point and crushed it long enough to cause his death and then got moved and so they cant prove thats what happened but thats what they really think happened. Eventhough I now have a medical opinion to what happened I know have to deal with the fact that I had a perfectly healthy baby boy and that nothing was wrong with him and how if I would have just had him earlier then he would be here right now. If the hospital wasn't "too busy" for me then I would have Jameson with me this Christmas and not have an angel watching over me. I have no idea how I am truly ever going to have any understanding about this. So as great as yesterday's appointment was and how many questions we had answered I cant grasp how the dr, my mother, my husband, and myself all believe that IF we could have went to the hospital when I wanted to on Thursday then I would still have my son. So I got answers but now I have the bigest "what if" that I will NEVER be able to get over.

Sorry so long and Thanks if you really read this I just wanted to get all of this down while it was all still fresh in my mind. I feel like I'm stil just living in hell and am barely making it through my days. My husband is all excited about Christmas and I just want to lay in bed for the next 4 days and skip all of it. I just cant help but feel that if I wasn't overweight then he would have had more room and maybe he wouldn't have been so big and maybe I wouldnt have had gestational diabetes. I know in my mind that I am just finding a reason to blame myself; but as the mommy of an angel how am I ever not going to blame myself.

Sorry if my words are missing letters but my keys on my keyboard are sticking. Thanks so much again!

Hugs to all of you other angel mommys! Hope you all try to make the best of the Holidays. Merry Christmas.

P.S. when will life start to get better? sigh.