Hello Jessie, I'm going through the same thing. I was 37w last week and had to deliver my stillborn son on 3/2. I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe we can lean on each other during this difficult time.

Thanks for your reply and I'm so sorry for your loss too. I found thi blog when I had no one who's been through this kind of pain to talk to. I'll be here for you if you ever need someone to talk to about it. I have birth to her last night which was agonizing knowing it was a child I'd never get to meet. I didn't have it in me to see her but the hospital took pictures for me that I may look at someday. It's horrible that she was fine one day and taken from me the next. I have no answers why and have just been told sometimes things happen. Any explanation for you? How are you feeling?

JessieDunn and Btwells I am very sorry for your losses. I can truly understand the pain you both are going through as I myself have experienced the pain of losing my first and only baby to stillbirth. It has been almost a year and a half since my loss but there has never been a single day when I have not thought of my baby.
In most cases there are no explanation for why it happened and what could have been done to prevent it but it is a loss that could never be forgotten.
Be kind to yourself and love your baby as much as you would have loved if she/he would have been in your arms.
There are no words that could take away the pain and suffering you are going through now but remember you are not alone. You can talk to me or all the great ladies here on the blog and all of them do understand your pain and are there to support you.
Many people who themselves have never experienced such a loss think it to be a tabboo subject to speak about baby loss but your baby is and will always be your child and you can take his/ her name and talk about your baby always.
Sending you hugs, support and prayers to get through this difficult time and love for your precious baby. Take care.

Todays another day of total grief. I feel like I can't move, breathe or think. I'm being hit with waves of total sadness. I'm so thankful I have this to post on. No one deserves this kind of pain but I do appreciate other women who have been through this to talk to. I'm sick to my stomach every time I think of her. I just want her so bad to be in my arms. I miss this tiny being that ill never get to know. We had a huge future together that was just suddenly taken with no explanation. I miss her

I completely know what you mean Jessie, everyday since delivery has been a struggle for me. My heart is so broken. I came home to a house full of his things: his crib, his clothes, his room. It kills me to see all those things but not have my baby here with me. My milk came in Saturday, it's so painful and it hurts so badly knowing I don't have my baby to feed. I had plans for us this summer. I looked forward to spending the summer watching n helping my son grow. Now I'm left lifeless, broken and childless. It's so nice having others who understand the pain and grief I feel. My husband is here and helps but he doesn't know what it was like carrying our child inside me for 9 months. Feeling his movements, sharing my body. All for what? To come home empty handed. I don't know how I'll ever recover.

I'm not sure how to recover either. I got a hotel room because I couldn't bare to go home to her things everywhere. I was so excited to bring her home after feeling her grow for 9 months. I was so excited to bring this beautiful new being into the world. I find myself wishing I could have passed away and she could live. This is horribly unfair. I feel my breasts getting larger and know I won't have a baby to feed either. I don't even want to live without her. Why would she just pass like that. This group is nice to know I have people who understand to talk to but I wish none of us were experiencing this. I wish no one in the world had to experience this. sending my love to you ladies, thanks for talking and listening

Horribly unfair is exactly right. I don't understand how this happened. I'm sure I'll never understand. It's easy to not wanna live or want to give our lives so our babies could live but that's not fair either. I'd like to think our babies were just too special for this earth. I'll try again but I have PCOS so it was hard getting this baby but I'm not giving up hope. I hope you've had a decent day, I know no days are easy and i spent most my days crying but I hope we shed a few less tears today.

I am again very sorry for your precious loss but remember you are not alone. The first few days and months are the hardest but time does help us heal. I too remember the pain I went through when the milk came in and I had no baby to feed, the feeling of phantom kicks when the baby was no more there and the empty baby room. I felt myself in a dark hole from where I can see no light.
Be kind to your self and take one day at a time. Our babies are really very special. Sending love for your baby and hugs of support to you. Take care

I am so very sorry for your loss of your daughter Jessie, and for the loss of you son Btwells. The pain of fresh loss is beyond words. I lost my daughter Sinza at 38 weeks 14 Jan 14. Its a very isolating grief because you feel like you were the only one that really knew this person that died, and so I am glad you found us, and can talk to others who know what is like so you dont feel so alone. Did you name your babies? Do you have plans for any memorial/funeral? Grief is an active beast that needs to be expressed least your implode, so I will encourage you to do stuff to let your grief out, write a journal, pick a memorial stone, read blogs of other stillbirth moms..different things help based on the individual's personality. You will never forget your child that died, but with time, and the right compassionate support, you will slowly grow copping muscles, so your days wont always be this bleak and dark. sending you love and special thoughts your way.

Celian
Sinza's mom

Thank you ladies for the support and how are you doing btwells. This happens at almost the same time for us. every day the grieving is getting worse. I miss her so much and I'm just becoming at a total loss for words for the situation. Her name was Terra. It's hard to say it or write it or see it. My milk is coming in now and it hurts. I want her In my arms so bad. now I have to pack up and move today. This blog is the only thing helping me cope so thank you all. Well what little coping u cam do. So I had 3 miscarriages before her and it took me a ling time to get pregnant with her. Now that she's gone I scared ro ever try again.ive caught myself holding my stomach wishing she was still there and safe

Reading this article helped me alot..verbalized all the reactions I had was even afraid to voice to anyone for fear that my grieving was too weird..and abnormal. seeing that it others had some of these reactions was comforting, at least reassured me that I wasn't running mad.
http://drjoanne.blogspot.ug/2011/05/telling-real-story.html

P.s. Terra is a beautiful name, it means soil in french..reminds me of nature.

Sinza's mom,
Celian

Hi Jessie,

I lost my baby girl Hailey when I was 33 weeks to a fetomaternal hemorrhage. It is not fair that you have had to go through all of this. Over the next few months you are going to think you are going crazy, and you are going to have days where you aren't even sure how you are alive (a person would think that pain this bad should result in your body giving up, but unfairly, it doesn't). If your hospital offers a support group, go if and when you can. You will meet people in your area that are going through the same thing. I would also encourage you to meet with a grief counselor or minister, or someone trained in the process of grief, if you can, to provide a framework for working through your grief. It is a process with no end. It is not about "getting better" or forgetting your baby. You are free to love your Terra as much as if she were here, but for awhile you won't be able to separate your love from the pain. The world is a very cruel place to have to exist after something like this. I wish you peace, and for you to have many opportunities to do whatever you need to do to survive.
Hailey's Mom,
Kristina

I AM SORRY, I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND HAVE NO WORDS. I WAS PREGNANT WITH MY SON, AFTER 10 YEARS OF NOTHING AND DIFFICULTY CONCEIVING AND WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FINALLY HAVING MY HEARTS WISH COME TRUE AT 37 WEEKS HE SLIPPED AWAY, I TOO HAD TO DELIVER HIM KNOWING THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO SAVE HIM. PLEASE VENT I AM HERE AND HOPE WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER THROUGH THIS NIGHTMARE.

I picked up Terra from the funeral home today. I can't stop clinging to her urn and crying. maybe I wrote this already but I forget but yeah I couldn't conceive either for a long time and have had 3 miscarriages. I found out she got a blood clot in her heart and passed. I've been racking my brain of things I could have done differently. Doctors didnt know i was anemic until after the birth. Maybe I wasn't healthy enough during pregnancy. My milks come in now and it hurts so bad and reminds me of my loss. I put her stuff in storage but can't bare to get rid of it. People keep telling me she will always be with me but that just hurts too because shes not. I feel like I'm going crazy. This page is the only thing holding me together and making me feel a little bit less alone. It was so hard delivering her knowing that I wasn't going to have my baby to take home.

Today is a bad day. I feel like writing more, it helps me vent I guess. A week ago today right now i stopped feeling terra kick so I went to the hospital. Right about now I saw the grim look on the nurses face when there was no heart beat and she told me she had to call the doctor in. I started screaming. My mom started crying. My boyfriend ran out if the room. I can't stop thinking of things I could have dine differently. I should have induced labor right at 40 weeks instead of saying shell come when she's ready. I've spent every morning curled up in the back door step crying in the rain. I can't eat or sleep. Every part of my body hurts with grief of wanting my baby girl in my arms. The world suddenly became a lonely place.