This is where being a step parent sucks. You really cant do anything with how he is at his moms house. It is up to her to change. All you and your husband can do is set the rules at yours and make sure he follows them when he is there. He isnt stupid. He will realize that he can get away with things at his moms and cant at your house. You guys can make suggestions but, overall it is up to her. It seems like many parents in this situation spoil their kids rotten just so they get the praise of being the good or fun parent. The positive side to what you have is your husband is on the same page! Keep up the united front and hopefully things will work out for you all. Hopefully all the poor parenting choices she is making now will bite her in the ass when her son becomes a teenager (while he is at her house:)).

About the child support, unless she is hurting your ss or not caring for him properly the courts dont really seem to care where the money goes.

My husband, his mom, and I do more financially for his kids than the birth mom does. This was brought up when my husband went to court last month and the court seemed to care less. Get thislast year we had to pay for child care along with support. That would be fine if he WENT. He would go to grandmas after school. She would complain because he is A LOT to handle. We told the grandma not to watch him because we were paying for care anyway. Well she didnt listen and she would call all the time and complain how horrible my husbands son was to her. On top of that, we tried to get reimbursed for the child care he did not receive. The judge said by law he could not. It seems like there are so many laws protecting the mother and barely any protecting the father. What kills me the most is the mom will come in tears to the grandma complaining that she has no money to give her for the help she gives. MY HUSBANDS MOM WOULD BELIEVE HEReven after we tried to tell her she was lying. All I can say is she must be a good crier. We finally thought we should show my husbands mom what the ex makes on paper. I have never heard a little old lady cuss so bad. Sorry I went off a little!!

Good Luck and welcome to stepfamily support!

I have the same problem my 11 yr old stepson is spoiled. I have told my husband that the situation had to be controlled or his son would grow up to be a brat. In our house he does not get rewarded with money or a gift every time he does something good. I will definately comment on his behavior and praise but I should not have to pay for it. At his mothers house on the other hand he get what he wants. he gets to eat and drink what he wants and thats something that i cant tollerate. A child should not be aloud to drink soda and snack all day. he came home one day and I ask him when was the last time he drank any water and he replied last week when I was here. I definately know what you are going through its just very difficult to resolve when all parties involve want come to the same decisions. Just stick to the rules in your home and dont give in eventually the child will realize that you were looking out for their best interest instead of buying their affection.
GOOD LUCK

"We have this issue to some extent as well. My step kids have everything at their mom's house, tvs and computers in their bedrooms, ipods, get whatever they want. It is hard for my kids who do not have everything to understand why their sister and brother get what they don't. But we point out that no one in our house has these things. If their mom can't be at one of their events, she will buy them a gift. We try very hard to tell the kids, and show this by the way we live that what you have isn't everything. We make sure we show the kids that there are things we would like to have as well, but it doesn't always work that way. You can't control what she does, but you have to try even harder to instill the values you think are important when he is at your house. One thing we have done is that we don't give our kids a regular allowance; some jobs are expected as part of the household. But they can do extra jobs, like vacuum, pull weeds, etc. to earn money. They also get money for gifts. When they want something, we have them bring their money and buy it for themselves. It has made a big difference when they see that they don't have enough for both toys they want, or whatever. Sometimes we know they dont have enough, but take them to the store anyway, and let them look at the price tag, then count their money and figure out how much they need to save to be able to buy it. Even our 5 year old is beginning to understand. As far as how to handle the bm, I had to learn this as well. Keep it on a need to know basis. If there is info she needs regarding the kids, tell her, but don't give her details she doesn't need. I find it easier to do this thru email. I will tell her about the kids activities, time, location, etc. and leave it at that. Unless something dangerous is going on we try very hard to just let all the stuff that bugs us go, becaus she isnt going to change, and it isn't worth arguing and stressing ourselves out about.

And I forgot to say that in the long run, the kids will remember the time you spend with them, not the things you buy them.