Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
Here is the situation. My stepson's biological mother abandoned him at 3 months old. My husband and I met after he was 2 years old. He is almost 4 now and I have been his mother the entire time. Full time mommy. He has not been pressured by anyone, and has come to call me mommy and he even tells me he loves me often. Many times per hour. I am going to speak to a lawyer next month about adopting him, especially because I love him and view him as my own, and my husband does too. I am unfortunately temporarily living with my in laws, and they have a couple people staying here part time while they go to college, and these people are friends of my husband and his brother. BOTH of these people have been stepping on my toes and cutting in on my parenting role. I snapped today and yelled at one of them. This was the conversation:
"I dont need your 2 cents"
"Well I didnt need your 2 cents when yelling at the dog"
"Guess what, my kid, and my dog"
"Guess what, not your kid"
I snapped and yelled at him after that and then there was silence. I was very hurt, and I expected something like that from the other person thats been acting like this but not from him. The other day there was a conversation between me and this person that involved me yelling at him for overstepping his boundaries and he said "Well Im his uncle" (Hes just my husbands close friend) and I got upset. So apparently this guy thinks that he has more authority over my son because he is his "uncle" than I do for being his stepmom, so he doesnt see me as having any authority at all? I just want to know what I should do about this. I cant just casually talk to him about it this guy is an asshole, so is the other person trying to step in. I want to avoid getting violent with him, he is much bigger than me and I dont want my son to see it. I have tried avoiding him altogether but its hard since we are all staying in the same house and we both sleep in the living room at night. I just dont know what to do.
"I dont need your 2 cents"
"Well I didnt need your 2 cents when yelling at the dog"
"Guess what, my kid, and my dog"
"Guess what, not your kid"
I snapped and yelled at him after that and then there was silence. I was very hurt, and I expected something like that from the other person thats been acting like this but not from him. The other day there was a conversation between me and this person that involved me yelling at him for overstepping his boundaries and he said "Well Im his uncle" (Hes just my husbands close friend) and I got upset. So apparently this guy thinks that he has more authority over my son because he is his "uncle" than I do for being his stepmom, so he doesnt see me as having any authority at all? I just want to know what I should do about this. I cant just casually talk to him about it this guy is an asshole, so is the other person trying to step in. I want to avoid getting violent with him, he is much bigger than me and I dont want my son to see it. I have tried avoiding him altogether but its hard since we are all staying in the same house and we both sleep in the living room at night. I just dont know what to do.
Is this friend college age? If he is....that explains his immaturity.
This is what I think I would do if I was in your situation....I would not say anything to this wimpy guy!!!!
I would quietly adopt your stepson and not even bring it up. Soon, you will have more power on "paper"......
Also, as soon as you can, you and hubby needs to get your own place.....
Also, did you discuss this with your hubby? I am curious on his thoughts about this? Hopefully, he is standing by your side.
Is there any way you could afford to stay in a hotel? How long until your house is ready?
I wouldn't tolerate anyone talking to me that way. And your family shouldn't be allowing anyone to disrespect you, no matter whose home it is.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can somewhat relate. My husband has two children- a 16 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. These are my stepchildren. It turns out that when my husband met his ex-wife, she already had a two month old son. This is the now 16 year old. My husband stepped up to the plate and raised this child as his own and claims him as his own. We really do not share with people that he is not his biological son because it is really none of their business. The mother did not even tell her daughter (the 14 year old). When my husband and his ex got divorced he even had to pay child support for him (which he had no problem with) because the courts said that even though he was not his biological father, he WAS his psychological father.
You, your husband, and your son know the type of relationship that you have with one another. No one else does- including the rest of your family and friends. It is truly not their place to comment on this bond that you have formed with your son. I know that it is easier said than done, but I would try my best to be "the bigger person" and don't reply to their snarky comments. They do not deserve a response from you.
My stepdaughter lives with my husband and I. She does not have the best relationship with her mother, which saddens me. She refers to me as her mom and introduces me to her friends as her mom. I love her to death. Although she is not biologically my own, I love her as my own and would do anything for her. She knows that and I know that and that is all that matters. In life, people will always make their comments and will try to put others down. These people will get nowhere in life and will sabbotage many relationships due to their unkind words. You, on the other hand, will have an amazing relationship with your son as long as you try to remain positive. The best advice I can give you would be to "kill them with kindness".
Best of luck to you!
They also have a great relationship with their mother, so they simply say that they have 2 moms...which is wonderful and makes all parties happy. (in fact, bio-mom even refers to me as the kids "other mom")
When I run into situations where people question me calling them my kids, or say they are not my kids, I simply state that it takes a lot more than blood to make someone a parent.
If your son considers you his mommy, and you consider him your son, that is all that matters and other people can just go kick rocks!
Children know who really loves them and cares for them, and he will never doubt whether he should consider you his mommy or not! =)
I know it's hard to deal with...I run into that situation on a regular basis, but I just try to keep my head up and remember that the only people who matter are my husband, my kids and their biomom. As long as none of them have a problem with them being "my kids," I try not to let other people's opinions get to me too much.
((hugs)) and big props to all the step-moms/step-dads out there claiming their step-kids as their own! The man who raised me, that I call "Dad" is in fact my step-dad, but no one in this world would ever get away with saying that he's not my daddy! =)
Best line of the post LdMay :) I don't know how many times I have had my step-daughter's real mom try to go off on me how I'm not her mom and this and that and how she has a real mother already...yet she is not here for her daughter and has never really been there for her. I love my step-daughter like I do my actual children and most of the time I don't refer to her as my step-daughter except here on the forum to reduce confusion. She is my daughter and I am her mommy...not her mother, but her mommy. I just really enjoyed that line, because most of the time people do try to put the step-parent down in some way or another and your line was 100% true. :)