Step Families Support Group
Traditionally, a stepfamily is the family one acquires when a parent enters a new marriage, whether the parent was widowed or divorced. This community is focused on many of the relationships and issues that may arise within stepfamilies where you may find answers from some members and you may help other members with their questions.
I have been married almost a year. I am my husband's third wife, and now a stepmother to his two children. I realized going into the marriage that I would have to assume the role of a "step parent," however; I believe I may have underestimated exactly what kind of baggage I was taking on. Their mother cares only for herself and only "bothers" with her children when it is convenient to her. I cook, I clean, I do homework, I grocery shop, I go to doctor's appointments, I work a full-time job: I do everything for two children that are not my own, and who constantly feel the need to inform me that their mother is better than me in nearly every way. ( Bare in mind this is a mother who is an ex-prostitute, doesn't work, is on her 4th marriage, sets an example by parading around in fishnets and stripper heels, lies to her children, and in the very near past had the audacity to tell ME that I was nothing to her children or her ex-husband and to keep my mouth shut.).....I feel like I'm failing because I am working my ass off to be a good mother, good wife, good officer ( my profession), good everything to everyone and still I am coming out unhappy. I wanted to start and share a life with someone, not just serve as the newest replacement. To top it off the ONE thing I have always been sure that I wanted, which is to have a child and actually be a mother: this experience with my husband's children and past marriages has made the idea of having a child of our own, together seem impossible and ludicrous!
I'm nervous to leave my husband, because I do love him but I absolutely hate every other part of his life; all the things that make him...him. I feel like a quitter for even suggesting leaving him. I just don't know what to do, and that person that I was and all the dreams I had for what I wanted of MY life seem to be fading away. I don't even feel like myself any longer.
I'm nervous to leave my husband, because I do love him but I absolutely hate every other part of his life; all the things that make him...him. I feel like a quitter for even suggesting leaving him. I just don't know what to do, and that person that I was and all the dreams I had for what I wanted of MY life seem to be fading away. I don't even feel like myself any longer.
My husbands ex said something very similar to me. Mainly because she felt threatened because I DO mean something to my husband and my step kids.
Are you feeling this way because she tried to get to you, and did? Or is there more to it?
It is exhausting to do so much, especially for children that are not your own. As much as we love them, it is different than caring for your own children. My fiance goes to school full time during the day, and works part time in the evenings. This leaves me to care for my stepdaughter pretty much full time. It's like being a single parent...except for a child that isn't mine. For example, when I call to schedule a doctor's appointment they give me a hard time because I'm not the BM. It makes everything a lot more difficult.
Have you talked to your husband about the possibility of having children of your own? Have you expressed to him how important it is to you? To me, also, the one thing I have always wanted more than anything is to have a child of my own. My OWN. I have discussed this with my fiance several times, because it's extremely important to me and I needed to find out if he was on board with my wishes. He is, and now he speaks of the children we will have together in the future.
But sometimes I feel just like you. What happend to my dreams of going to school myself? That's impossible now that I need to care for my stepdaughter. Not to mention the fact that paying for all of her needs (her bm doesn't pay child support), and our needs as a family leaves little funds left over for things that are important to me!
In the end, you need to do what's right for you. I have often felt the same way...I hate everything about his life that isn't US. I hate his ex, I love his daughter, but taking care of her by myself is very wearing, I hate his job, I hate that he's never here. But I do love him. So thus far, I am choosing to stick it out, in hopes of a more promising future together. His daughter will get older, and, hopefully, more responsibile. He will finish school and be able to find a full-time job with decent pay, hopefully with hours that don't prevent us from ever seeing each other.
I wish you the best of luck with whichever decision you make! I think you are a very strong woman for doing all the things you do. I also think the children are very lucky to have you in their lives. I hope that they appreciate you, because you deserve it.
As far a child goes, he has had a vasectomy about 10 years ago and has expressed that he wants to have it reversed so that we can have a child together, but as time goes on and things continue as they have, I'm beginning to see it as a blessing. I feel like bringing a child into this situation ( and his chaotic family), would almost be irresponsible of me, and possibly make things worse. I can't imagine trying to balance raising his 2 children and one of my own, all the while trying to keep us a "family."
Even though I love my husband very much, I can't help but think " is going through all of this worth it, and if I do put in the time, will it ever change or get better?"
Maybe you need a sort of time-out. Go away for a week, visit family, friends, or be on your own. See how you feel about it then, see if they miss you, "they" including your husband, and see if they miss you for the right reasons.
You shouldn't have to give up your desire to be a biomom because of something you had no say in btw. Just my opinion.
I get treated poorly by his exwife and even his kids.
I lost confidence in myself, felt little worth, etc.
I was always confident, until I married....once I realized that I was letting them "win" in pulling me down....I decided to step up to the plate for myself.
I completely "stepped away" from hubby's kids. I make him deal with his kids and exwife. There were times I wanted to respond to what they say, but making hubby deal with it himself.....worked better in my situation.
As for yourself.....I too, can't tell you to stay or go....but, one thing I would suggest is to make sure you take care of yourself....don't allow the exwife to pull you down. People who truly know her and know you, will see through her act.
Can I ask how old your stepchildren are?
As for you wanting a baby of your own.....that will be something you will need to decide on your own.
good luck and let us know how it goes