I believe your situation may be atypical of what most people here are reporting. Most of our trans partners dress out, many spend time with their peers while dressed, but most do not have sex with other people without the knowledge and consent of their spouse.

I believe your partner may be seeking answers to questions about sexual orientation, but cheating on you is not the proper way to go about such self-exploration. I still have no explanation for why he felt the need to record video of them together.

Are the two of you seeing a counselor? Most cheaters have some personality flaws that lead to cheating. Your husband needs individual counseling to help him understand why he cheated, help him decide about his sexual orientation and perhaps deal more effectively with the issue of gender identity. Marriage counseling may or may not be beneficial at this particular stage in the game. Maybe he needs some time with a counselor to understand what he needs out his primary relationship before marriage counseling can be productive.

Reading back over this, I realize that what I've written probably is not all that helpful, but that's the best I have for this situation. Sorry you are going through this situation. Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for a temporary separation if you need to.

He says he done it because the o my few people he has talked to on various sites say "you must be gay" so he done it to see if he was.
He didn't go full intercourse but oral intercourse was giving to and by him.

The funny thing is my gut was telling me he was off to meet someone.... So I asked him on return to which he denied.... until I found the video.

I went ape shit crazy as anyone would she yet again I have been lied to.... the cheating just topped it off!.

I've tried to leave him 3 times before over his dressing as I don't feel he should be sending personal pictures to people!!! That's for me and in our bedroom..

I can't even look at him without picturing the video

The cheating and then not being truthful seem to be your primary objections. Seeing the video must have been awful.

I think a lot of women think that dressing is just for the bedroom. Most cross dressers are straight and most are married. Your husband sounds like he may have a little more going on than simple cross dressing. For some cross dressing is all they ever want to do, others need more and end up gender fluid or come to the conclusion that wanting to dress out is a symptom of a bigger issue...they want to become women physically.

The whole issue of gender identity is different from sexual orientation. Your husband seems to be trying to decide where he falls on these complex issues. It's unfortunate that he's going about it in such a damaging way.

What you are feeling will probably diminish somewhat as time wears on. Your are clearly in the shock stage. The real problem is he needs a therapist to help guide him through these issues. He's floundering on his own and making stupid decisions right now.

Would it be possible to get him in to see someone?

I think it would be helpful for you to see a therapist on your own, too. Because anyone would find this difficult to deal with, and I am not passing judgement on his lifestyle. What you thought you had seems to be different than what you do have, it sounds like, and this can scare and anger anyone. We have been focusing on the other partner here, but gaining skills to value yourself and understand yourself would be life changing for you. You say you worship this man, what does that mean in real life everyday terms to you? Maybe its a slang term but it sounds like perhaps you are not meeting your own needs but everyone else first? My first husband lived a secret life (drugs) and I felt shamed and embarrassed for me and for my children. Its tough and I wish you all the best.

He said he would see someone to try and help him, me and both.

It's weird becuase I was getting past the whole dressing and pictures and I actually encouraged him to dress a d i have asked him serial times to dress for me!

He hasn't and said he wouldn't be comfortable in doing so. Yet he can do it for other people....

My kids are my life and I feel he has damaged this, we have had issues in the past. He has said he doesn't find me as attractive anymore since having our son as I've struggled to lose weight. But why should I try and please him when he can't even be truthful with me!!!

He has cheated on me and I'm struggling with that alone

That's completely nuts. Your partner should not be treating you like this. Having pictures and videos on their video is completely inappropriate.

His comments about your weight are also inappropriate, if you can accept his dressing, he can accept an extra 10 lbs.

I'm glad he has agree to go to a therapist. He needs to work on his relationship with you instead of seeking out others.

Thank you Cora.

It's now been a week and i just can't get those images out of my head!

He had been warned if he does it again I will show all his family what split us up. I maybe a bitch in doing that, but tbh I couldn't care atm. He has ruined my trust so I will ruin his of needed

Well, he's responsible for his own actions. The truth is a bitch sometimes!

Fruitnut, I would caution you about exploding a human being's entire life because they wronged you personally. You are complaining that your husband violated your trust but what you are suggesting is the huge trust violation in and of itself. If you chose to show images of him having sex to his family, then you've just allowed yourself to stoop to his level, maybe lower. You will no longer have the higher ground on this one.

Not to mention that inadvertently allowing something like that to pass the eyes of your son could be considered abuse depending on his age. It's hard to stuff some information back into the envelope once you drag it out! If his family is the least bit homophobic, do you really want them staring at your son for years to figure out if he's like his dad?

Marriages and friendships need trust. You can't force your spouse to work on trust issues by blackmailing him with his worst moment. Talking about that, reveals that you are letting this whole situation shift your internal moral compass. Please don't change into something you're clearly not out of anger. This might be the worst moment of your life as well, be careful about how you handle it.

Though you might not care about outting him right now, how would you feel if you showed that to his family and worst case scenario, he hung himself? Never take away a person's dignity that way and expect to feel good about yourself. Whatever happens, unless you are truly damaged (and I don't for minute think you are) you will certainly regret hurting another person that way.

He's the father of your child. Always remember that hurting him is hurting your child in the long run. Hugs and we'll be here for you no matter what!

His repky when I told him I would show people what a lier he is!

"Do what you want with them, maybe I should come out about it all".

I'm not that person and have carried this too long and it's just 1 thing after another so it's just built up

That's a brilliant idea. Maybe he should just come out about it all. That would be the honest thing to do. The only real question is how to go about doing it that causes the least amount of damage for everyone, especially your son. There is a difference in his father talking to him 1 on 1 and breaking it to him a respectful way, than him getting forwarded inappropriate images by a cousin who's bent on having a laugh at his expense.

The thing that pisses me off is that you should not be having to deal with all this cheating on top of an already impossibly difficult situation. Stay strong. You will get through this!

I agree with Gutted (surprise... lol). I personally think you should always try to take the high road. If you feel vengeful, sometimes just imagining your revenge and planning it out is enough to purge it from your system. Hopefully you can do that here.

What he did to you is horrible. But it sounds like there is a shred of hope in that there is still something good between you. If you can both commit to doing the hard work of repairing your relationship, then get to a marriage counselor to help you navigate your way back.

If there is no hope, remember that karma is not a conscious action by another human. THAT is revenge. Let the universe take care of karma and look out for yourself.

Good luck... it is a lot to deal with. I don't envy you, but you will come through okay. *hugs*

I again mention that counseling or therapy for you on your own, alone, without him is going to be very helpful. Counseling with him if you want to try to make this work. It is usually a different counselor for couples therapy and your own individual therapy. You need someone there just for you to help you work on your own feelings and issues and decide what is best for you. I understand the anger you feel, its natural to feel angry when our partner is cheating. And this was cheating. Its also common for the person caught in the act to say this was their first time, and it won't happen again. Maybe, maybe not. Hold on to your dignity and take the time to think this through, a counselor will help you sort out your own feelings and and understand yourself.

I haven't held my breath. Nothing has changed. In fact it's got alot worse.....

I'm at breaking point and feel like I'm going mad being a crazy stalker (which is not me at all)

Hi FruitnNut. I'm glad you're getting lots of support and advice on this and I'll like to add a couple of things, if I may.
1) You've almost left him several times in the past because of his dressing and sharing photos, but ultimately, you haven't. Was this not a genuine boundary that he crossed, i.e., just a threat, or was it a real boundary, but you never followed through?
2) I as the first question because I'm interested to know if unfaithfulness outside of the relationship is a deal-breaker for you? (Just ignore the added complexity of the dressing for the time-being). The one thing you need to determine is if this is a deal-breaker - if 'yes,' then walk away, if 'no,' then just expect him to continue with the same behavior, regardless. Is that how you want to be treated?

All relationships are built on trust and honesty; take one of those away and it's extremely hard to recover. So, the question you have to answer is this: "Will I be able to trust him completely again?" If you think you can, then you both need to know what behaviors are 'deal-breakers' (although increasing trust reduces the need for boundaries) and what will be the consequences. You need to know these now otherwise something else may happen down the road and you'll find yourself going round in the same circles of questions about "What should I do?"

Don't settle for less, because you're worth more! TR