Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hi all,
New to this forum, but here's a synopsis of my story. Spouse came out as nonbinary in the spring, I had trouble with the surprise! elements of it (e.g. surprise wax purchase because 'we talked about it' when I stated I wasn't comfortable with it yet.) Got shelved because husband thought he (then) could do it. Few months later spouse came out as transwoman, who told his sister first. Behaved differently enough that I was worried for his mental health, wanted all transition elements done and YESTERDAY, wouldn't listen to me about things like jobs (both of ours), kid, etc.
SiL vehemently defends keeping secrets from me, and insulted me in the middle of a squabble between me and spouse that spouse let her interfere in and family supports her interfering in. Per their father, 'blood is thicker than water.' Funny, how right my mother was that you're never family no matter what you do, even after having a child. Spouse and SiL have conversations that I am not privy to, spouse has started not telling me things.
Spouse got domineering with me and got me mad (aside: just try that as a woman why don't you? I wanna see how well addressing a human as though they were a lower life form works with boobs and a higher pitched voice added to the mix.) Also continued to defend sister's insulting me, something that just won't resolve because she (spouse) just will NOT see that she's got an unhealthy relationship with her sister. A friend calls it emotionally incestuous, and the stars in her eyes when she talks about her sister are upsetting.
Now, spouse does not know if she wants to be married to me, but I am not allowed to date, the money that was mine and yours is now 'ours,' she finds sex revolting, and I am not told things the way I used to be. She doesn't even seem as interested in our son as she used to be, although therapist says she loves our son.
She's willing to miss work time for the sake of therapy, but argued with me about dropping off our son's shoes that she forgot to bring for him (he's almost 2 and came to me with NO shoes this monday.)
It took screaming to get her to recognize the need for jobs, for the sake of food/water/shelter for our son and us. Still don't think she sees it as the reality I do. She won't listen to me when I say that she will likely get rejected for most, if not all varieties of HRT because she has an idiopathic stroke history (and I have an M.D. so I do know how to read professional lit.)
The world is coming down around us and all she can see is ooh! transition! I want it now! I'm going to be really mad if they dont let me do it!
The fact that I have said I don't think I can be here for HRT and not GCS in past weeks apparently means nothing. Not berating me for greiving took moving out.
Part of me says wtf am I still doing here?! This woman is NOT my husband. My husband was warm, cared about my son and I, and texted me throughout the day with random conversational tidbits and hearts and such. This woman is cold, self serving, cowardly (it's happier and easier not to live with me because she's less ashamed of hurting me this way), and is more attached to her sister than her wife.
Another part of me remembers the warm, caring husband who wasn't perfect (destroyed my body image), but genuinely tried. Part of me still hopes some of him will return. Trans people frequently insist that the person inside is the same. Maybe the monster will fall away and underneath will be a good person lurking, even if female? Maybe she won't tell me she feels like a prostitute when I want sex? Maybe she won't find the prospect of sex revolting? Maybe she will respect that I have feelings and won't always turn it into her problem and her petty hurts?
Probably not. But now what?
But to answer the question you pose as your post title.... You move on, but do so in a way that protects yourself. Speak to an attorney and take said attorney's advice. When I was in the early stages, an attorney I spoke to suggested that I withdraw 50% of our savings account and put it in an account that only I had access to. I was told not to spend it, but just hold it in a separate account for safe keeping. Man, I wish I had. When we did eventually split that account, I ended up with less than a quarter of what was in it when I spoke to that attorney. However, I took her at her word when she said she would continue to provide for us, and, I hate to admit it, but it was more important to not hurt her feelings (by transferring money out) than it was to protect my (and my children's) safety net. Again, I didn't think it was necessary because my husband would always take care of us and provide for us.
And now.... well, I can't say much because we are actually in the divorce process now. But gather your team. People who have YOUR best interests at heart and give their counsel serious consideration. They have seen this sort of thing far more than we have. Differing circumstances, but basically the same kind of situation.
Best of luck to you.