Hi Loopyem (think I've seen you elsewhere?). What a difficult situation. Why is it ok for your husband to tell people, but for you to not be able to? Can you maybe talk to his sister and partner? Or are you not close enough? I too can't tell anyone, but to be honest I don't really have anyone I'd want to share with. Do you have a therapist? That may be the best way to be able to talk to someone without compromising confidentiality.
When you say your spouse is changing and your kids know - what is happening? Is he dressing, wearing make up, wigs etc? Or on hormones? Do your kids really know? My partner is on hormones, has small breasts now and wears a little make up and very light nail polish, and to be honest I don't think my kids have noticed. They are older than yours - they are teenagers. He absolutely doesn't want the kids to know.
Do you want to leave? Are you only staying because you have nowhere to go, or do you want to try and make things work? Could you and kids go and stay with someone - your family maybe? You don't have to tell them exactly why.
Do keep talking to us, we are all going through the same thing.
Take care.

Hi Sylph,
I dont really speak to sister in law we clash too much, Were waiting for an appointment for marriage therpy. Kids are picking up on nail polish make up had ears pierced he wears ladies jeans and pink and light coloured tshirts which he was always in black before he has a wig but i wont allow him to wear it at home he doesnt wear in public just on his own. hubby isnt on hormones but he wants to be but i dont think im ready for that. Im staying because i love him and want to stand by him but one day at a time i dont think in long run he wants to be with me he doesnt really talk to me about anything and he came out by typing and printing off a letter for me to read

he can't force you into the closet, talk to who ever you want to

Loopyem, what do you mean when you say you aren't "allowed" to tell anybody. I totally understand not wanting to break your spouse's confidence, but you have every right to speak to someone. Do you have a trusted friend? And marriage counseling is fine, but you need to seek out individual counseling. See, you need to be able to speak to someone who has YOUR wellness as a priority. Not your spouse and not even your marriage as a priority, but YOU.

Also, how far does he want to take his transition?

Look, Loopyem, I have been on this board for awhile now, and everyone comes on here focused on the their trans partner and what s/he wants, but I almost never hear the poster focus on what she wants and what she needs. I think everyone here will tell you that the transition process is an incredibly selfish process. During this time, everything is about them - how they feel, what they need, etc. Please don't sacrifice your peace and happiness and your health (yes, health. The emotional stress of the situation can affect your physical health.) in all of this. Take care of you and be extra kind to yourself.

And keep posting. We are here for you.

^^^ what they said!

Exactly what 1newstart said. I am 5 years into a journey that started with cross dressing...then hormones “to take the edge off”....then earnings...hair removal...GRS....ffs....breast implants.....etc etc etc I lost myself way back when and two days ago moved me and my child from a previous marriage into my mom’s home. I love my spouse so much it hurts, but I was drowning and had to come up for air. Just remember self care. If you need to talk to someone then inform your spouse (don’t ask) and do it. Please keep us posted. Everyone here seems to be so nice and helpful.

Agree with atmywitsend1234: TELL spouse that you WILL be talking to someone (and pick somebody that's likely to be trans friendly so they'll be clearheaded is my advice- if you have to wade through "ewww!!!" it gets to be annoying because they won't listen to what you're saying. Also applies to therapists- go to a gender/ transition trained therapist for yourself, so they understand what your spouse is like.)

And as the others are saying: lots of trans spouses do this the incredibly, mindblowingly-selfish way, by taking care of their own needs and completely ignoring yours. Take time at some point to think about what you need/ want from life. I like that Atmywitsend1234 describes the sensation as drowning and coming up for air, because that's exactly what it feels like to me too!

And the excuse I used for telling my family: If I"m going to impose on them and stay there for a week, they deserve to know just wtf I"m imposing on them. (if this helps you. again, i TOLD my soon to be ex that I'd be telling my family. We have needs too. This feels like getting widowed, and mourning in secret, with fake smiles at ALL times isn't healthy. Also- my SiL ended up being a MAJOR element of our divorce. If you clash with in laws as is, they might continue to be a problem. I didn't clash with my in laws before this, but they became a problem during this crisis. Remember, (ideally), they don't have any desire to have a sex life with your spouse, so certain things simply won't be an issue for them.

Also- anybody else have a spouse that seems to have been raised by parents that think they can do no wrong? That they are a brilliant genius angel from up on high? SOOO ANNOYING!!

Funny how we all have our little analogies. I was never coming up for air, but I was treading water in the deep end while trying to keep a bunch of helium balloons (her secret) hidden under water. It was very exhausting.

And I miss my in-laws. My parents died when I was younger, and my in-laws just welcomed me in with open arms - even before we were married. They are the only grandparents my kids have, and they haven't reached out to me once since all this happened. I get it. My spouse is their kid, but I still miss them.

Do you guys think there is a difference between intentionally selfish and unintentionally selfish? I feel like being trans can create selfishness in different ways, none of them inherently malicious. But some trans people are aware of this, of how they are acting, and of how it hurts others, but don't care - or care but realize they must do this and decide to push ahead irregardless of what that means to those around them. But... some transfolk are completely unaware of their behavior and do not want to be selfish and would never intentionally hurt their spouse but they just really can't see properly. Maybe these people can learn to see the truth and then opt to behave differently. no? Or am I delusional?

Hi Everyone,
I just want to start with a massive thank you for supporting me sorry I haven't replied sooner just I haven't been well lupus flare up due to stress. But I took ur advice and told him/her that I was going to my mom n dad he said no again and I said I'm not asking I'm telling you and when he came home from work last night he said would I mind if he went down and saw my mom and dad and told them himself and I said if that's what he wanted to do that's fine so he's doing it either weekend or Monday as it is his birthday 2moro.
But thank you so much it means a lot

gallinarosa - I think transgenderism has a selfish element to it. call it narcissism, they hate themselves, but when they dress up and look at them selves in the mirror, it is pure love

Yes Hun that is how it is

Re: the selfish element. I remember a discussion during a psychiatry rotation in medical school about Narcissistic Personality Disorder- the psychiatrist asked: if somebody is in physical pain, can they focus on something besides themselves? (no, of course not)- Thus, people in pain can't focus on something besides themselves.

That said, in some cases I cry bs on the impossibility of being more supportive/ friendly to your spouse. Some of the stories on here depict inappropriate behavior with little excuse for an adult, and some of these people have essentially spat on their spouses while they tried to support them.

loopyem81: great to know he supports you- here's hoping he follows through on what he says as far as coming out.

I'm so happy you stood your ground loopy! You have every right to seek support from your friends and family during this difficult time. I've stopped telling my spouse about who I've told because he just gets upset and quite frankly, I have to take care of my mental health whether he's ok with it or not.

As far as telling the kids, I recommend that the both of you go see a therapist to recommend the best way to proceed. It's not good hiding it from your kids, and the best way to tackle it is by telling them together. Ask the therapist how you guys should approach it and hopefully your spouse will listen to what they have to say.

Hi everyone I just wanted to say evening since I told him/her that I have to tell someone as of yet he still hasn't been down to c them but I'll c if he goes 2moro but everything seems calmer I even seen him in his wig and I even cut it all and styled it which was weird I'm not going to lie lol how is everyone else doing